Challenge Submission The Curse of Interesting Times

[WhatISeemIAm]

A young man and woman were sitting on an otherwise empty train. He went by Liam and looked like he had just been to court. As a defendant. She went by Terry and looked like she had just escaped from prison. This wasn't that far from the truth on either count.

'Fucking psyche-ward pricks,' she muttered while rolling up the over-long sleeves of an over-large shirt.

The young woman had dark, boyish hair and seemed lost in the aforementioned shirt whose sleeves fell part-way over her hands when not rolled up. A battered pair of cargoes and worn out sneakers seemed equally out of sorts on the otherwise pretty girl.

'You know, in fairness, there is an easy solution,' Liam responded while pulling uncomfortably at the collar of his button up shirt.

'Fucking- now I'm too cold-' she started pulling the sleeves back down, '-and yeah, I know: don't act crazy. You say that like it's easy,'

The much taller male figure shrugged and raised a hand to his blonde hair which was rather long and clearly got in the way with some frequency, though it contrasted pleasantly with his striking green eyes.

'No crazy, no tazy, no long stazy-' he smirked, '-just give it twenty-hour hours and then give them all the finger on the way out.' He seemed to be speaking from experience, 'You know if you need some shit to sleep the time away you can always call me,'

'Yeah, but you'd think they should be trained to tell the difference between actual crazy, and your-dumb-shit-makes-me-crazy crazy, y'know? Sneaky pricks took all my drugs, and they wouldn't let me have tweezers,'

He leaned back to look at her as if something had just occurred to him.

'You know, I think the sort-of-scruffy brows suit you, but being sober on Saturday night doesn't suit anyone. Also how come your nails look so nice?'

'I don't honestly know,' she held up one of her hands to examine the black-painted nails, 'I think one of the nurses must have done them while I was out of it,'

'Damn they had you on that much,' he remarked, 'but how did you end up inside anyway?'

'It's a long, complicated story that I'm not even going to try to tell until I'm completely wrecked,' she frowned, 'so subject change: who are we meeting, and why the hell are we on a train?'

'My car is being sensitive. As for who we're meeting his name is Oak, well, not really, but he's been playing with us for a while now, and that's what we call him. Also he has the digits so if you want drugs we need him,'

Minutes later they rolled up at a largely empty suburban platform. One present figure whose real name was Sean, and not Oak had clearly just lit a hand-rolled cigarette and was now attempting to flick the cherry off the end. He did not seem at all concerned by the inconvenience and grinned when Liam leaned out one of the doors up ahead and gestured for him to approach.

'Lighting a cigarette always brings the train,' the newcomer smirked as he approached, 'only reason to carry the damn things,'

He was shorter than Liam, but more solidly built, with dark eyes and close-cropped fair hair, and if the earlier remark about being band-mates was anything to go by then the newcomer had to be a drummer because the beating of inanimate objects to produce loud noise is simply a natural fit for some, and that much could be told at a glance. The two embraced when Sean reached the carriage door.

'Huh,' Terry observed, 'this is explains so much, you're gay.'

The two men stopped immediately, and shifted awkwardly. The reaction seemed to lift her mood although it did not last as she soon huffed and started rolling her sleeves up again.

'Yes, well-' Liam pointed in her direction, '-don't mind her, she has the benzo-shakes from a stint in the local psych-ward where they fed her too much dizzy juice for being unable to turn the crazy off. Her name is Tandy. Handy Tandy-'

'-the fuck it is-' she looked up from her sleeves, 'my name is Terry,'

'-Because if you tell her she's cute she'll give you a hand-job,' He went on seamlessly.

Sean looked appraisingly at the young woman for a moment.

'So, I just realized this, but you're pretty cute,'

She sighed.

'Fine, alright, I've got nothing better to do for the next few seconds-' she threw up a hand with that, '-Oh, shit, we'll have to rain-check, I don't have any tweezers.'

'Well, I walked right into that.' he conceded.

They all seemed to agree on this point.

'Uh, at any rate,' Sean went on, 'Some bad news. The only guy I know answering his phone right now is Skeevy-Steve. The Deacon never does, but his shop should be open, but it's a hell of a trek from here,'

'So is Joey still stabbing homeless people with combs and driving without a license?' Liam inquired.

'Yes, on both counts.'

'Now Terry, bearing in mind what we just said about Joey, although it'll take us a couple of hours to get to his shop I think I can speak for both Oak and myself here when I say he is the better option. I mean, Skeevy-Steve is not just a clever name,'

'If he has drugs, and we can get them sooner, I don't care how skeevy he is.' The young woman responded flatly.

'He drinks wine out of a bag,' Sean put in, 'like, straight from the bag,'

'Don't care,' she crossed her partially bare arms.

'I heard he pimps his own sister,' Liam added, 'and he rarely wears shoes in public,'

'Don't. Care,' she repeated stubbornly.

'His stuff is deeply suss,' Sean went on.

'Don't. Fucking. Care.'

'Well, that's settled.' He shrugged, 'We'll go see Skeevy-Steve, and then get completely fucking wrecked on sussy shit, and uh, see what happens?'

They all agreed.

***​

'So why do they call you Oak?' Terry asked as the three debarked from the train among a group of passengers it had acquired in the intervening stops.

'Because I kill hungry-thirsty dead,' he responded as the three wound their way through the crowds toward an escalator.

'Bullshit.' Liam spoke up, 'We call him Oak because he's a dumb-shit and one time at school when he was reading out-loud he pronounced OK like it's a word. So nobody needs to know his real name anymore,'

'Oak it is then,' Terry smiled, 'heh, what a dumb-shit thing to do,'

They were soon riding a very long escalator amid a crowd of more savory commuters, keeping to one side as busier and less lazy people hurried upstairs. Liam was staring past them at the line of descending commuters.

'I know that guy,' he spoke up.

Terry straightened up after tying the laces of her battered sneakers, and started pulling her sleeves back down.

'Ohh, me too-' she bit the inside of her lip thoughtfully, '-it's- yes, we used to call him Cucko The Clown, didn't he have a breakdown over that at some point?'

The three of them seemed to think this was very funny.

'Hey, Cucko!' Liam called out, 'What's the news of the clown-world?'

One of the descending commuters stared at the trio for a moment before recognition dawned.

'Looks like you turned into a fat fuck,' he called back.

'Maybe, but you can't blame me,' Liam responded carelessly, 'I mean, every time I fuck your mother she gives me a pat on the head and a peanut,'

Terry waved at him before he could formulate a fit response to this.

'Remember me?' She asked, her voice lower as the escalators brought them closer.

'Handy? Yes, I remember fucking you, like everyone else has,'

'Did you?' She raised a brow, 'Well you must have been rubbish because I don't remember shit.'

'Hey, guy I've never met,' Sean weighed in, 'I'd say something clever and cutting too, but that would be beating a dead-horse at this point,'

'Yeah, back to the pavilion, cucko,' Liam continued, 'You're dismissed. '

'Pavilion?' Terry's brow furrowed, 'You mean circus tent,'

'Oh, yes, on your tiny clown-bike, son, see if your mother has any peanuts left,' he called after him as the escalator carried them apart.

'Seriously, fuck you guys.' The figure glowered back up at them as he was lost in the distance amid the crowd.

'Well that was fun,' Terry said, 'Now- oh fucking, shit-' she started rolling her sleeves back up again, '-where is this skeevy fuck?'

Sean held up his phone.

'Should be meeting us very soon,' he said.

The crowds thinned as the group made for a back-street exit from the underground station, and Sean paused, chuckling as they passed a Say No To Violence bill-board.

'That reminds me of a joke,' he said, pointing at the billboard, 'Liam, what does your head have in common with that mark on the plastic?'

His friend leaned closer, unable to see the mark in question clearly, and promptly had his forehead slammed into the solid surface.

'They both go bonk when you smash them together,'

All three laughed although Terry's amusement was cut short by her swearing as she started rolling her sleeves back down.

The group met Skeevy-Steve outside an empty tobacconist not far from the station exit. One look at the lanky, jittery figure with his nicotine-stained knuckles and questionable tattoos made it clear his was not just a clever name. All three got the full humid-afternoon-at-the-fish-market experience when he insisted on shaking hands with them, and somehow things went down-hill from there as they began to talk.

'You're fucking kidding.' Terry was rolling her sleeves back up, 'nothing?'

Steve shrugged.

'Yeah just sold the last of it and forgot to text you, all I got is a bag of stems,'

'Fuck it then show us this bag of stems,' Sean put in.

The jittery dealer fished a brown paper bag from a small back-pack, ruffling it open and let the others inspect the contents.

'What the fuck?!' Terry's hand darted into the opening and whipped out a tiny baggie of white powder, 'You call this icing sugar? You sneaky fuck!'

'No I call it evil mystery powder that will literally give you brain-AIDS, and or kill you.' Steve said. 'Trust me, you don't want it.'

There was a moment of silence, but it was very clear this grim description had not put them off so the lanky figure sighed.

'You remember that lab fire up north a few months back?' He went on.

'With the police raid?' Sean asked, 'Wasn't on the news or anything but I have friends who live out that way. They said they wanted to go huff the smoke in the air, as you do, but the whole street was closed off,'

'Yeah there were police all over the shop, apparently they were baking up some real evil stuff. People say there were seven tweakers in the house at the time, and only one managed to escape. Some treachery was involved. Complete stitch-up. He brought nine bags out of the wreck, and all his friends went to the closet for his spoils. Apparently the big dumb bastard was rolled and thrown off a bridge for his troubles and the bags were taken and split up, and then the story gets darker, because-'

'-I don't really give a shit.' Terry interrupted him, 'be a doll and give us the short version,'

'Alright fine.' He sighed, 'TLDR: this shit is cursed. Believe it. I want to get rid of it myself but I fear to give it to anyone, I mean, anyone who isn't an ass-clown, or who I want repeat business from,'

'So give it to us.' Liam said. 'Uh, not because we're ass-clowns, but y'know, like, I don't believe in curses and I probably already have brain-AIDS, so it's all good. How much do you want?'

'I sure as hell won't sell it, don't need that shit on my conscience, but I do need to get rid of it so if you're determined to be dumb-fucks then I won't stop you. Take it for free, and if that doesn't make it clear to your dumb fucking selves that this is some evil Monkey Paw shit, I don't know what will.'

The fact that Skeevy-Steve was prepared to let the bag go for nothing gave the two young men who were familiar with him more pause for concern than all the dire warnings he had spouted put together.

'Works for me,' Terry said, taking the bag, 'Thanks, we'll be leaving now.'

'Uh, you sure this is a good idea?' Liam asked as he followed her.

'I know it's not, I just don't care. Hell, I won't even call you wimps if you want to watch me do the first line and see how it works out, although it would totally make you wimps,'

They headed back into the station, turned into a narrow corridor which lead to a collection of public bathrooms, and after glancing about to ensure no one was watching the three opened the single, lockable door at the end of the corridor. The one marked disabled. Once inside Terry pulled out her phone.

'Lighter?' She asked.

Sean handed her a black plastic BIC as she set the bag down atop the screen, her phone resting on the corner of the sink, before using the rounded edge of the lighter to crush any larger lumps in the powder. Meanwhile Liam removed his own phone and a small plastic spray-bottle, pumping some liquid onto the screen before cleaning it with a paper towel and slapping the button on a hand-dryer to remove any residual moisture. After tossing the now clean and dry phone to Terry he did the same thing with a polymer bank-note.

'So,' Sean intoned portentously.

'So-' Terry gestured for Liam to give her the bank-note, '-Now I get fucking wrecked, and forget these benzo-shakes.'

She used the rolled up note to shovel out a small quantity of powder and tapped it out onto the screen before unrolling the note and using it to straighten out a line.

'See you on the other side,' she grinned, curling the note back up.

It was a tentative snort. Only a third of the already small line.

'Fuck-' the young woman laughed, '-this burns like fucking fire, and tastes like the shit you cold-filter out of some already sussy shit,'

The others laughed along as she covered her other nostril and inhaled deeply despite the comment before reacting as if she'd been punched.

'Gutsy,' Sean remarked.

'That reminds me,' She spoke up, 'What did I say I wouldn't call you if you did this?'

'Wimps,' Liam intoned guiltlessly.

'There it is, and I didn't say it. Promise kept.'

The two young men watched, and waited. They knew it wasn't wise to stay for too long, but things already seemed to be happening.

'Heh,' she smiled, 'Well, I feel like my brain just slipped into a warm bath. Ohh, and now there's that hot, itchy-prickling-down-the-neck feeling, shades of anaphylaxis, God this stuff really is sus, but I can feel it putting the light back inside me so fuck it if I don't want more. If you want a taste, you'd better go now.'

This description won them over.

***​

There was an effervescent sort of giggling as the three exited the bathroom, sniffling like giddy children with the flu.

'Walking has become a, uh, a small challenge,' Liam remarked as he reeled into one of the walls of the narrow corridor. 'I feel sort of, untethered, heh, what does my head have in common with this wall-' he head-butted the tiled wall, '-bonk! Can't forget that one,'

'Uh,' Sean looked at Terry, '-I think you owe Skeevy-Steve a hand-job,'

'He deserves one,' she agreed, 'but why me when you have so much experience handling small dicks?'

'Good thing I'm already wrecked or that would have stung,' he stopped suddenly, blinking, 'Fuck, seriously, I need sugar.'

'Yes,' Terry said, 'Candyfloss and red bull,'

Liam scratched his head as he picked himself up off the wall.

'I agree. I don't know what sort of hole this stuff can put you in, but it's not a place I ever want to go, sugar is the answer.'

There were plenty of hole-in-the-wall stores lining the arcade that lead back down into the underground station, but none seemed suitable. The three soon came to a larger arrangement that was part newsagent and part convenience store.

'What the hell.' Sean stopped and was staring through the window. 'is that Lolcat?'

'Lolwut?' Terry responded.

'That name does ring a bell,' Liam said, 'I wonder if they sell candyfloss in there...'

'Terry, give me the accursed powder, then get out of my way you loafers,' Sean put out his hand. 'This is serious business,'

She fished the baggie out of her pocket warily, but seemed reluctant to hand it over until her friend bumped the young woman's shoulder with his own.

'Good, now with a little luck there will be four of us,' Sean moved unsteadily into the convenience store.

He made his way over to a very tall young woman who was browsing through a rack of magazines. Her neat black shirt, sensible shoes and jeans had a food-service-y air. No one could have called her particularly striking save for her height and the fact that, like the rack she was browsing, the large blonde was quite well stacked.

'So, what's a nice Lolcat like you doing in a dank-meme like this?' Sean asked.

Blue eyes focused on the young man for a moment and then she laughed.

'Fucking Lolcat, I haven't heard that in years. Do people still call you Oak?'

'They never stopped,' he responded, 'because I'm that solid,'

'Uh, no, in fact if I remember correctly it's because you're a dumb-shit who didn't realize OK is not meant to be pronounced phonetically,'

'... Fuck, why will nobody ever forget that?'

'Friends of yours?' She nodded at Liam and Terry as they entered the store looking for candyfloss.

Each seemed to be trying to lean on the other and it wasn't working out very well for either of them.

'Yes, wonderful people, I'll introduce you later. This meeting was clearly fate, so naturally you'll agree to come with us. We're going to get wrecked, and then see what happens,'

'What makes you think that?' She raised one pale, well-groomed brow.

'Because you being here now, sober and serious, tells a sad story. One of those, "I still work, but the light inside is broken," stories, and if you wanted to go home you wouldn't be in this tragic-ass store browsing through shitty magazines,'

'I wish I could disagree but having a terrible job has that effect,' the young woman confessed.

'Well, fate has ensured we have just the stuff to get the light back on,' Sean held out his hand.

'What is it?' She peered at the bag in his palm.

'I don't know!' He laughed.

'Oh no, I remember doing bags of I-don't-even-know,'

'The trick is not to think about it,' he put in helpfully.

'I know, but it's not much of a trick for you is it? But I do remember-' she looked at the two figures now standing behind him, carrying bags of candyfloss and red bull, '-and I remember that stuff too,'

'You guys mingle, I need to get something,' Sean put in quickly as he palmed the small plastic bag back off to Terry.

'Hi,' Liam said. 'I'm Liam, this is Tandy-'

'-Fuck off with that, my name is Terry-' she turned to the stranger, '-hi,'

'Nice to meet you, both, I'm Kate,' she said as the other young lady opened a can of red bull, drained half of it and then handed the rest to the young man beside her.

'Heh, Lolcat, right? I think I know of you,' Liam spoke after finishing the can and craning his neck to be sure that the uncommonly tall woman was indeed wearing flat shoes.

'Oh?'

'Yes. Oak has always had a lot to say about a very large blonde woman who he admired for her integrity and depth of character,'

'Really?' She inquired skeptically.

'Often. Honestly, I'm surprised he never mentioned that you're stacked like a fat man's biscuit tin,'

'Wow, imagine that.' She deadpanned, 'A man noticing I have tits,'

'Heh, dismissed. I'll just eat some candyfloss in silence now,'

'You made him stop talking,' Terry observed, 'I think that settles it; I like you. You should come with us and get wrecked,'

'Everyone likes Lolcat,' Sean put in as he returned, 'she's widely admired for her integrity and depth of character,'

***​

The four were on a train now, heading to the coast. Sean was fussing over a sign on the wall with a bottle of correcting fluid and only sniffed at it occasionally. Terry was fairly well concealed in the otherwise empty carriage between Kate and Liam, carefully preparing another line on her recently cleaned mobile. The three original members of the quartet were all wearing less than they had started with; jackets gone, buttons taken down, sleeves rolled up. In Terry's case her long-sleeved shirt was gone so that she wore only a sleeveless tank-top which read:

If you're close enough to read this buy me a drink or fuck off

'I think we're on smooth track now,' she intoned hurriedly, 'come on, let's get this done,'

Kate went first, and was left reeling.

'Ugh, what is this stuff? It's like inhaling hot glitter,' she said.

'Come on,' Terry waved Sean over, 'hurry it up, one jolt and we could lose it.'

He rushed over while sealing the bottle of correction fluid and went next. Terry held up the phone for Liam once Sean finished but the carriage jerked under them even as he leaned over.
'Shit!' She growled as the powder was flung off the screen.

'Don't move!' He said, 'I see where it landed.'

She couldn't, but was nice enough not to move as he shifted closer, inspecting the powder in the hollow of her collarbone, the rest scattered over the young woman's bare shoulder.

'OK I've got this,' Liam said, leaning in with the rolled up note to hoover up as much as he could, 'Now, sweetie-pie, don't take this the wrong way, but,' he got the rest with his tongue.

She couldn't help laughing.

'So,' Sean spoke up suddenly as he re-opened his bottle of correction fluid, 'Lolcat, any chance of you taking your shirt off and preparing the next line?'

'Give me however long you have left to live to think it over,' she responded, 'And what are you doing with that stuff, apart from smelling it?'

'I like the way it smells,' he cut back defensively.

'Isn't that literally part of the too-dumb-to-live Turing Test along with liking the smell of petrol, and uh snorting bags of I-don't-even-know?'

'What's wrong with the smell of petrol?' both young men spoke up simultaneously.

It took some time for Kate and Terry to stop laughing. Throughout Sean was trying to direct their attention to a sign on the carriage wall. They all knew what it said without looking.

Please vacate your seat for the elderly or disabled Though now, pending a small adjustment, it read Please... eat the elderly or disabled.

It got a laugh, but not enough to justify the effort.

'Not done!' he pointed at another sign. They all knew what it used to say: At night travel near the guard compartment marked with a blue light although it now read: At night rave near the guard compartment naked with a blue light.

'If I could open the task manager of your brain, I swear, there'd be an app at the top, using most of your memory and CPU,' Kate observed, 'an app called, 'dumb shit,''

'I'm confused by your tone because you say that like it's a problem,'

'Well, isn't- uh, oh fuck, I need sugar, like, right now,'

Terry was wiping her shoulder with her long-sleeved shirt as Liam reached into the bag at her feet and threw a packet of candyfloss and a can of Red Bull to Kate.

'To be fair, I think we're all running that app right now, or we wouldn't be here.' He observed.

The train slowed as they pulled up at the next station. The last stop before their destination. The doors hissed, and the largest tweaker any of them had ever seen entered their carriage. He wore no shoes, but that wasn't readily obvious as his feet were convincingly shoe-like in both color and texture. The dour, strung-out looking figure appeared as if he had been rolled in butter before being wrapped in sweat-stained, second-hand clothes, and he was carrying a woman's handbag.

Glazed, blood-shot blue eyes scanned the four.

'Bruh,' he said, sniffing, 'Don't be using my gear. Give it back,'

'I've got a better idea,' Terry said, standing up and pulling Liam to his feet in the same motion, 'Let's you and him fight.'

It took a few seconds for them to work out what this meant.

'Did you really just fucking say that?' Liam balked.

'Come on, I know I'm down for a stitch up to keep this shit,' Sean weighed in as he stepped up unsteadily, 'you want our gear you fat fidgety fuck, you'll have to-' he sniggered, '-beat us both off,'

'I honestly have no idea what is going on,' Kate put in.

There was no time for an explanation however as the enormous tweaker hefted his woman's hand-bag threateningly. No one wanted to know what he had inside it, and he was stunned by a can of Red Bull to the skull before his pudgy, glistening hand could reach into its mysterious depths. A desperate, clumsy fracas followed. There was plenty of yelling, swearing and other less comprehensible sounds of pain, anger, and particularly disgust. It panned out with Sean hanging off the huge man's back prying at his head, while Liam repeatedly hit him the face as the tweaker bit his forearm. Kate ate candyfloss, albeit at a respectful pace, as she watched, and Terry moved to keep the doors open as the three reeled about the carriage in case they had to flee.

In the end Liam was able to wrench his arm free, and he and his friend both shoved the larger figure down the steep staircase that led to the lower section of the carriage.

'Get fucking wrecked!' Sean yelled over the resounding crash.

The taller young man leaned over the edge of the stairs.

'He's getting up,' he intoned worriedly.

The four exchanged concerned looks and immediately beat a hasty retreat. Liam grabbed the mysterious handbag on the way out, but dropped it on the concrete platform as the doors hissed closed once more behind him.

'Ow,' he groaned, holding up his bleeding arm so as not to have to see it, 'Terry, be a dear and pull this rotten tooth out of my arm before I faint from looking at it,'

She was just about to do so when they all froze. The vengeful tweaker had loomed into view on the other side of the doors. His glassy eyes fixed on the four, while blood trickled from his mouth and ran down the side of his head. The train pulled away.

'That was actually terrifying,' Sean said. 'Also, disgusting. Have you ever been bonked by a fruit-bat on a rainy night?'

'Yes,' the other three answered.

'Well, that's what he felt like. Wet fruit-bat. I've never wanted a shower more in my life,'

'Much as I appreciate the metaphor can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?' Kate demanded. 'Why is there some feral meth-head after us?

'Well,' Terry started, while looking at Liam's arm and cringing, 'One moment,'

It looked as if his attacker only had a few teeth left, and all had bitten deep while a bloody, half-rotten canine had been left behind in the struggle.

'Quickly now, dear, before I pass out,' he said.

She yanked it free with a shudder, dropping it quickly, and gave him her shirt so he could wrap up his bleeding arm.

'OK,' the brunette went on as she turned to face the confused blonde, 'Well, I didn't believe it at the time but apparently this stuff, I mean our stuff, is cursed. That's what Skeevy-Steve said, anyway,'

'Who the fuck is Skeevy-Steve?' Kate asked.

'I only met him today, but trust me, it's a very good name,'

'He seldom wears shoes and drinks bag wine, right from the bag,' Sean put in helpfully.

'I heard he also pimps his own sister,' Liam added, 'and sells sussy shit, but seriously can we make this quick? I'd like to douse my arm in bleach or something before it shrivels up and drops off,'

'OK, so we've established it's not just a clever name,' Kate said, 'but how exactly is this stuff cursed?'

'Don't ask me, I wouldn't let him finish the story because it was boring and I wanted to get wrecked,' Terry shrugged. 'Also I think our new friend is going to hop a train right back here next stop. Which will take some time, but still I'd like to go far away from here as quickly as possible,'

'Let's do that,' Sean said, 'The running away thing, and I'll send Skeevy-Steve a text, get the rest of the story,'

This seemed like an agreeable plan.

***​

Three of the group had found an all-night drug store while Liam searched a deserted park not far from the train station for a tap. He was kneeling by it rinsing off his arm when the others found him.

'I got cotton wool, iso and band-aids,' Terry said as she hefted a plastic bag.

'Band-aids?' He frowned, standing up as the group made for a nearby bench, 'I think I need a bit more than that,'

'It's all they had; Spongebob, Pokemon and Hello Kitty,'

'And you got Hello Kitty, didn't you?' He asked.

'It suits you, also I checked how long it should take to get back here and set a timer. We have nineteen minutes left,'

Terry took a seat and Liam immediately jumped onto the bench ahead of the others.

'Yep, get fucked, I deserve this,' he said as he laid out with his head in the girl's lap.

Kate simply picked up his legs and hung them over the back-rest, giving her enough room to sit as Terry started pulling out the iso and cotton balls. Sean shrugged and took a seat in the blonde's lap.

'So, this Christmas I'd like, uh, well, let's start with three ho's, and go from there. Also, I hope that's not stuffing down your shirt,'

Bemused laughter was cut off by a yelp as Terry poured iso over the bite wounds on Liam's arm.

'Ugh, I've never felt so relieved to be in so much pain before.' He sighed, 'Do it again, please, sweetie-pie, burn out the corruption,'

Kate slid further along the bench, dumping Sean out of her lap as Liam kicked the back rest repeatedly while more iso was used to flush out the puncture wounds. Terry took his wrist with that and dabbed at his arm with several cotton balls.
'I just got a text back from Skeevy-Steve,' Sean said, staring at his phone, 'He says: lol. Oh well, time for another line?'

'No,' Terry said as she applied the largest sticking plasters she could find in the packet in haphazard fashion, 'we need to go,'

'I vote we head for Nastya's place,' Liam said as he grabbed a cotton ball and awkwardly shifted to wipe his skinned knuckles.

'Why?' Terry asked.

'Who the heck is Nastya?' Kate put in.

'Well-' he looked at Terry, '-one, I left my jacket on the train and her place is always warm, and we can call an Uber or something. Also it's nearby and she has a kid so I bet she has sugar,' Liam then turned to Kate, 'She's a Slavianka spoon-pirate, nice lady, she might even feed us, I just need to text her and make sure she's in,'

'Last four red bulls,' Terry said as they all stood up before tossing one to the other three.

All four hissed in unison, and were drained without pause.

'Uh, that reminds me of something,' Kate said while reaching for her phone with a shame-faced expression as they set off, 'I'd sort of forgotten I have a kid. I better phone nan' and make sure he's OK,'

'You have a kid?' Sean's brow furrowed , 'How did that happen?'

'Yes, he's four, and uh, if you're confused about how it happened you should ask your parents,'

Kate was still on the phone by the time they reached the edge of the park, and all four were already dragging their feet. Being out of both red bull and candyfloss they did the sensible thing and liberated a wayward shopping trolley so they could take turns napping using Terry's rolled up shirt as a pillow while the others took turns pushing it. About half-way to their destination Liam was pushing the trolley while Terry dozed although he was only using one arm, and the other - with its patch-work collection of Hello Kitty sticking plasters - hung limply at his side. Sean was hanging back as he had gotten in touch with Steve.

'You want me to do that?' Kate asked, putting a hand on the trolley-bar as Liam struggled to push it over a crack in the pavement.

'Go for it,'

The bump had roused Terry who immediately reached for the baggie and her phone.

'So-' she peered at Kate, '-you have a proper job, and a kid?'

'I don't know if I'd call working in a tourist bar a proper job, but somehow I make more money there than I did nursing in aged care,'

'Somehow,' Terry dead-panned while lowering her dark eyes slightly.

'Oh, fuck off. So what do you do? Aside from being an irritant,'

'I used to be a musician, now I do freelance editing and production stuff,' she said, 'but seriously, you seem fairly sensible and you have a kid. Why don't you just go home?'

'Well, part of it is your lame duck charm,' Kate smirked, 'but seriously, the kid's alright, and I'm not sure you three will survive tonight without someone sensible around,'

'Huh, so that integrity thing wasn't a joke,' Terry observed as she prepared to do another line.

'Don't do that!' Sean called out as he hurried back.

'Too late,' she responded, although it wasn't, but the line was gone a moment after she'd said it.

'Great, you know, Skevie-Steve says that is literally what summons The Tweakinator,' he explained, 'Apparently he can hear sniffing from miles away or some shit,'

'The Tweakinator?' Terry raised a slightly scruffy brow.

'That's what they call him. They say after being mugged for his gear and tossed off a bridge he somehow came back, and has gotten almost all his baggie's back, only one guy managed to avoid him,'

'How?'

'He IV'd it. Only then he died of anaphylactic shock, but Steve thinks that was a filtration issue.'

'Uh, if snorting it is the issue, couldn't we just eat it?' Kate put in.

'It's been tried.' Sean responded, 'they say your liver will shrivel up and you will die horribly,'

'So, uh, I feel dirty for even pitching this idea,' Terry frowned slightly, 'but maybe just throw it in a bin and forget about it?'

'Seconded,' Kate put in.

'Apparently that only makes him more vengeful, and I can't blame the guy-' Sean turned to Liam, '-Steve also said it might be a good idea to cut your arm off, and burn it. Also he said if we don't get rid of it by three AM something terrible will happen,'

'Let's table that suggestion for now,' his friend responded, 'also, if he's already been summoned, we might as well all do another line, right?'

No one could argue with this, and Terry hopped out of the trolley to start prepping more gear, resting her phone on the hood of a parked car.

'Assuming any of this is true,' Kate put in as the two young men each took a bump off Terry's mobile, 'It seems all we need to do is get through one more encounter, and then get some filters and clean fits, send Liam off to hospital, and it's sorted.'

'I hate hospitals,' Liam put in after doing his line, 'but that does seem like a sensible plan and there isn't much left. Can't do too much damage if we split it four ways,'

Kate had her line just as the group were illumined by the flickering glow of a pair of failing car headlights as a rusty blue Commodore rolled down the street. Terry quickly put the gear away as they prepared to set off, and none of them paid any more attention to the vehicle until it pulled up beside them. They all recognized the blood-stained figure who emerged from the driver's side though. He hadn't come to talk this time.

Buoyed up by their previous victory Liam and Sean set-to without thinking and the latter only narrowly avoided being cut open by a plastic utility knife as a result. Another loud, reeling fracas followed immediately as the two young men attempted to keep the huge figure's large, twitchy arms under control in order to keep the blade out of play. This wasn't going to stop him biting, but before this could happen Terry joined the affray.

'No more biting, you twitchy fuck!' She yelled, while her shirt was pulled tight around his face as she jumped on his back, 'oh God-' she grimaced while trying to hang on, '-It is exactly like wet fruit-bat!'

Kate watched and thought for a moment before tipping the trolley over and prying the steel bar free from the handle. Liam was dropped as she did so when his head was slammed into the nearby car, and left sitting in a blinking daze. Terry let go and reeled back with a yelp a moment later as the knife changed hands and flashed back, and Sean was a split second away from being bitten when the trolley bar came down on the tweaker's greasy head with a nasty clicking sound.

He landed on top of Sean.

'Fuck!' He tried to push the sand-bagging figure off, 'It's like being under a leaky water-bed filled with out-of-date spray on cheese,'

Terry started laughing when she realized the utility-knife blade had snapped off after cutting into her arm, and was still there. Liam tried to get up, fell over, and started laughing as well.

'Ew,' Kate intoned as she helped push the slack figure off Sean, 'it really is like wet fruit-bat,'

'Thanks for getting my back sweetie-pie,' Liam spoke as he managed to rise unsteadily.

'Think nothing of it, doll, and if you're not too concussed, be a dear and get this-' she gestured at the snapped off blade without looking at it, '-out of my arm before I pass out,'

He winced at the sight even as Sean was pulled back to his feet, and Kate turned to the pair before picking up Terry's shirt.

'Let's steal this fuck's car,' Liam suggested after flicking the snapped off blade out of the deep cut it had made in his friend's bicep.

'I'll get this,' Kate said as she put an arm around the shorter woman and pressed the bunched up shirt against the deep cut.

Sean went back for their bags as the other three climbed into the vehicle, retrieving them from the up-ended trolley. He turned just in time to see the tweaker sitting back up between him and the car as the other three piled in.

'Ah, fuck me,' he muttered while gesturing for Liam to drive as he ran along the pavement.

It wasn't the most elegant attempt at flight and he soon heard the threatening sound of sniffling close on his heels. Darting between two parked vehicles the young man drew level with the moving car. An unpleasantly moist hand seized the back of his shirt just as Kate pushed open the rear door. With her help he was able to leap awkwardly onto the back seat of the moving vehicle even as it accelerated away from their pursuer.

'I'm really starting to hate that guy,' Liam said as he watched the staring figure in the rear-view mirror.

'Can you give me that bag?' Kate asked Sean.

He handed her the left-over's from their trip to the chemist before picking up the woman's handbag they had been carrying about since their first encounter with their vengeful stalker. Curiosity got the better of Sean, and he opened it. He immediately had cause to regret it.

'Has anyone thought to look inside this bag?' He asked.

'No, I just took it to fuck with him,' Liam admitted.

'I see,' Sean said, 'Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is the severed human finger, and what looks like a piece of someone's ear are actually the least scary things in here.'

'That's not good news,' Kate put in.

'I'm just doing my best to make this a bit more positive,' he shrugged, 'Now the bad news. Remember how nice it was to think we only had a little bit of sussy powder left?'

Silence.

'There are four more bags in here,'

***​

They arrived at Nastya's home some time later after taking a circuitous detour to put off any pursuit, and leaving the stolen vehicle parked in a nearby side-street before heading over to the drab, bare-brick block of council flats on foot. Terry's arm wasn't bleeding anymore thanks to a series of ad-hoc butterfly sutures made from the ends of Hello Kitty sticking plasters and a bandage made from a torn sleeve of her shirt. Having been bereft of sugar for some time none of them were exactly light on their feet, and as they piled through a door into the sparse ground-floor lobby there were a series of groans and other intonations of protest and misery when they realised they had to go up stairs. It took some effort, and by the time they reached the top not one of them was on their feet save Kate although she was draped over the banister. Liam shuffled over to a door on the narrow landing and knocked.

It opened a crack and a door-chain clinked as a young girl peered suspiciously through the opening. She had messy, short blonde hair and bright green eyes that seemed unfairly intelligent for one so young.

'Hey, Tatya, what's the news of the kiddie-world?' Liam asked.

'I can't sleep,' the young girl said, 'I was playing the goose game, but it's boring now because I already stole the bell a bunch of times,'

'Sounds like you need a new game,' he noted, 'though I'll be honest, I have no idea what any of that means.'

'I know that game,' Kate put in, 'you play a goose, and sneak around messing with people, it's actually pretty cool-' she smiled at the young girl with this, '-hi, I'm Kate,'

'Tanya,' she waved shyly before turning back to Liam, 'I like your band-aids,'

'I'm told they suit me,' he smiled.

'So what are you doing here?'

'I needed to pick something up, and your mother asked me to make sure you're asleep.'

The door was pushed closed with that, and the chain unfastened as Liam turned and gestured for the others to pause.

'Can we all do our best to be grown-up and civilized here?' He implored.

'I'll handle the cooking,' Sean said, 'I'll be discrete,'

'Filters and fits should be on top of the bathroom cabinet,' Liam said.

The others assented in silence as they entered the small flat. It was poorly lit and over-furnished, but it was also warm and there was a couch that was not too far from the door. Terry stumbled over to it and flopped, curling up on one side, while Sean made for the bathroom and Kate headed for the tiny, open kitchenette.

'Wake me up when you find some sugar,' Terry said.

Tanya had other plans though, and poked the young woman's bandaged arm.

'Are you OK?' She asked as her victim flinched and sat upright.

She opened her mouth briefly, but gave up on trying to formulate a child-friendly response. It made no difference.

'I like your nails,' the girl went on. 'Can you paint mine like that?'

'If you agree to sit perfectly still and say nothing for the duration, yes,'

Tanya thought about this for a moment.

'No thanks,' she leaned closer.

Terry realised she was reading her shirt and crossed her arms quickly.

'I thought you were supposed to go to sleep.' she said, 'If you want a demonstration just be quiet and watch, I'll show you how easy it is,'

The girl shrugged, hopped up onto the coffee table, and stared in perfect, expectant silence. Naturally this made it totally impossible to go to sleep. Despite this Terry got comfortable, closed her eyes and steadied her breathing, hoping Tanya would lose interest.

'Are you asleep yet?' She broke the silence in a soft voice.

Once again there was no formulating a child-friendly response. Luckily Liam was watching from a safe distance and a pointed look encouraged him to transcend his schadenfraude and intervene.

'Why don't you show me this game?' he asked.

Tanya hopped off the table, grabbed his hand and hurried him off toward the far-end of the small unit's living space which, if the bed and assortment of child-stuff was anything to go by, was clearly serving as her room.

'Does anyone want tea?' Kate called out from the tiny kitchen.

'I want sugar,' Terry called back, 'but you can put some tea in it if you like,'

'Same for me,' Sean said as he stepped out of the bathroom and hurried back to the kitchen.

He was just in time to see Kate looking around for some tea as he opened a box and tossed some pinwheel filters onto the kitchen bench. There were two pots on the gas stove; one was full of water, the other partially filled with a glass seated in it.

'You seem to have this in hand,' he said.

'Yeah, though I'm still wondering what the hell we're going to do with so much gear,'

This was a problem they had yet to table any real solutions for.

'I guess we need to change the ratio, get more people,' Sean spoke as he looked through cupboards for sugar, 'but everyone I know who would be game to get wrecked has probably already done so, oh, jackpot-' he had found two tins of condensed milk, '-now we just need a can-opener,'

Meanwhile Tanya and Liam were seated on the edge of the girl's bed and he watched as she energetically showed off the goose game's dedicated honk button. Her interest in the game clearly revitalized by his interest.

'Wait, your to-do list for this game is just awful things,' He pointed out. 'Why are you picking on this gardener?'

'Because, it's funny,' she looked over the monitor while speaking, clearly curious about what was happening in the kitchen, 'What are your friends doing?'

'OK, I guess it is funny.' He agreed, 'They're making tea. Do you want some?'

Tanya nodded as her attention returned to the game.

'You know, you have to at least pretend to be asleep before we leave,' he weighed in.

'I know,' she agreed, 'I'm not sleepy though.'

'Well, not sleepy, tell Tatya it doesn't matter, I have my orders. Damn you just stole that guy's keys,'

Liam's remark elicited a well-deserved groan.

'Tea's about ready,' Kate's voice called out from the kitchen.

All five were soon sat about a small glass dining table, and an awkward atmosphere prevailed as no one could think of child-friendly subjects to discuss. They drank in silence.

'OK,' Sean spoke up, 'I know what we can talk about. What's the worst joke you know?'

'Alright, I know a bad one,' Kate spoke up, 'What's brown and sticky?'

'A stick,' he answered to the sound of groans.

'My turn,' Tanya piqued up, 'Knock knock,'

'Whose there?' Liam responded.

'Interrupting cow,'

'Interrupting cow-'

'-MOO!' She interrupted.

This one provoked a few chuckles.

'These are more dad-jokes than bad jokes,' Terry noted, 'I know one that is actually awful. So, what's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?'

No one had an answer.

'Only one of them can be emptied with a pitchfork,' she at least was amused by the reactions.

'Awful, but funny,' Sean said, 'OK, I know the worst joke, but it's long so I'll go last.'

'My turn then,' Liam said, 'This one is about a little kid who had no arms, or legs, or torso. He was just a head, and he used to rest on a windowsill all day long and watch enviously as the other children would run and play, and every night he went to sleep wishing he had a body. Then one day the kid woke up, and his wish had come true: he had a body! So he jumped up, rushed outside, and was hit by a car and killed instantly. Because sometimes you should quit while you're a head.'

More groans.

'OK, my turn,' Sean said, 'So there was this homeless guy and one day he buys a lottery ticket with some spare change. Amazingly it wins the jackpot. More money than he could ever spend in his life. So the first thing he gets is a really nice house in a really great part of town. Then after getting settled and going out for an expensive meal he comes home, and the house is gone, and there's a little man standing right where the house used to be. The little man stares at him, and he stares back, and then the little man disappears.

'Not one to be put off he buys another house, but this time he has security installed and a big fence put around it to guard against house-thieves. He then goes to visit a friend after moving in, and when he comes back the house is gone, and there's a little man standing where the house used to be. The little man stares at him, and he stares back, and then the little man disappears.

'Clearly something fishy is going on so this time he buys a nice country estate well away from the city and travels out to inspect his new property. Only by the time he arrives the house is already gone, and there's a little man standing there. Right where it used to be. The little man stares at him, and he stares back, only this time, before the little man can disappear he asks,

'"Have you been stealing my houses?" And the little man responds, "Yeah. What are you going to do about it?" That's it,' Sean finished, 'It's the worst joke I know,'

'So that was like f-' Terry glanced at Tanya, 'uh, a relationship with a spoon pirate. Long, slow, boring, no climax.'

'I don't get it,' the young girl said.

'Ask someone to explain when you're older,' the dark haired young woman responded after finishing her sugar-with-tea, 'I suppose we need to wash up before we go?'

The others finished up as well when she stood up to collect their glasses.

'And you need to go pretend to be asleep,' Liam said to Tanya.

There was a wordless expression of discontent, but the girl agreed in the end. The washing up did not take long. Liam pinned some cash to the fridge with a magnet and Kate left a dutiful note explaining what had been taken before they left.

'We have less than an hour before three AM,' Terry noted, 'and no one I've texted about getting wrecked has responded.'

'Yeah, same,' Liam said as they made their way downstairs, 'We're well fucked. I have an idea though. I'll explain later,'

***​

Once again the four took the stolen car, and left it some way from their destination. Sean's place being nearest. They found themselves in a downstairs garage that was furnished as an ad-hoc living space, and all were seated on a large couch in a rather awry arrangement that saw them in various states of repose, all sporting fresh Hello Kitty sticking plasters on the inside of their forearms.

'We only have twenty minutes left,' Terry remarked as she leaned against Liam, 'I'm not sure I care anymore, I haven't been this wrecked in… ever,'

'It's fine,' Liam said, 'everything is fine. Remember I said I have an idea? I was kind of wary of tabling it earlier, but now that I'm completely wrecked it makes much more sense,'

'I'm sure this will be good,' Kate observed.

He explained the idea.

'That is a brilliant idea,' Sean decided.

'Brilliant is not the word I'd use,' Terry observed.

'I agree,' Kate weighed in, 'I shouldn't have to tell you this but cutting off your arm is dangerous, and it seems excessive even if I can smell it from here, as for IV-ing the last of our junk before doing so, that seems even less advisable,'

'I know it's not normal, but neither is being stalked by a zombie-tweaker, and I can't even feel my arm anymore, and it's gone some weird colors. I've seen enough zombie movies to know how this shit ends,'

'I read about tying off arteries in some survival book,' Sean responded, 'and we can call an ambulance first, you can use my drop-saw,'

'You know they'll put you on suicide watch for cutting off your own arm,' Terry noted.

'I know,' Liam said, 'that's only seventy-two hours,'

'As the least wrecked person here, and the only one with any medical knowledge I feel I should object again,' Kate spoke up once more, 'You know just point out the obvious; cutting off your arm with a drop-saw is not a good idea under any circumstances,'

They all paused to consider this sound objection. It made perfect sense. All the same a few minutes later Liam was resting his arm on the table of a free-standing drop saw, and Sean stood next to him with an ad-hoc wrench style tourniquet made from shoelaces and a screwdriver. He had some pre-tied loops of fishing line in the other hand.

'OK,' Liam said, 'we need to time this properly. When we hear the siren jam on the tourniquet, then shoot the last of our gear, then turn on the saw and, y'know, do the thing, how long do we have by the way?'

Terry checked her phone.

'Not long,' she frowned, 'hopefully the ambulance comes soon,'

She had made quite a fuss during the call about finding her friend sans arm, but was worried they might have dismissed it as a prank as the operator had insisted she remain on the line which wasn't possible for obvious reasons. They weren't quite able to fit the last of their gear into a single fit, but she had volunteered to use the remainder and now wore a second sticking plaster further down the inside of her forearm.

The gravity of the situation, and their plan was somewhat lost on the four and when they overheard an approaching siren it spurred them to action.

'Oak,' Liam said, and his friend jammed on the tourniquet, 'Terry?'

She removed the cap from the syringe with her teeth and aimed for an artery below one of his many sticking-plasters, pulling the plunger back slightly to draw some blood after sliding the fit into place.

'Ready?' She asked.

He nodded. She started injecting as Sean kept hold of the tourniquet and turned on the saw which buzzed loudly enough to occlude the sound of the approaching siren.

'OK,' Liam said as the syringe was withdrawn.

'I still say this is a bad idea,' Kate observed as the drop saw swung down.

The buzzing was replaced with a moist grinding sound briefly as it fell into place. Unfortunately Sean was standing by the sawdust vent and was consequently sprayed with a non-trivial amount of blood which had a nice, chunky texture thanks to the addition to some rather unpleasant bits of former-arm. Both he and Liam passed out immediately. The latter giggling slightly as he left most of his forearm on the saw table, and with no one holding the tourniquet his severed arm began a convincing, if somewhat intermittent, super-soaker impression.

On the plus side the approaching siren was getting much louder.

'That's great,' Kate frowned as she knelt down and jammed on the tourniquet herself. 'Can you give me that fishing line-?' She turned on Terry who was stuck somewhere between amusement and horror, '-and drag Oak behind the couch so the paramedics don't see him covered in blood, it's a bit sus,'

'Will he be OK?' She asked of Liam while casting about for the pre-tied loops of fishing line Sean had been holding.

'No,' Kate responded bluntly, 'he just cut off his arm. That's not something that ever ends in being OK,'

'I think you know that's not what I meant,' she responded while passing the line to the other young woman.

Sean sat up before Terry could make a move to drag him out of the way.

'Ugh,' he intoned, looking at his splattered clothes, 'I so need a shower,'

They could hear the ambulance outside now and Terry directed Sean to make himself scarce before opening the garage door. Naturally the paramedics insisted on asking all manner of inconvenient questions. The foremost being, 'why?' Luckily for his friends Liam regained consciousness around the time he was shifted into a stretcher with several hemostats hanging off the end of his severed arm. Thus he became the focus of their inquiries, but he had other concerns.

'What's the time?' He demanded as they loaded him into the ambulance.

'Five past three,' Terry called out. 'I think we're all good, aside from the obvious,'

So that was it. Skeevy-Steve's dire prediction about the consequences of their three AM deadline did not come to pass. Unless you count losing an arm, or being put on suicide watch.