notlydialovelace
The None, The Nonely
Asami Kuruha hit the snooze button of her pink angel-themes alarm clock as she mumbled to herself something about 'five more minutes Mom'. Even after graduating high-school, she had continued protecting Tokimeki City with the help of her magical sidekick, Kyuntarou, the magical cat-terpillar. The six-legged white feline with two antennae protruding from its forehead, on either side of its third eye, jumped onto her bed, crushing the air out of Asami's stomach as she gasped, and shot upright.
Today was no day to be sleeping in! she reminded herself. It was the day she was going to take her college admission exam for the third time, after failing the last two years.
She ran downstairs, still in her signature pink pajamas, as Kynatarou shifted back into his unassuming regular-cat form, and clambered down after her. She sighed. Her mother had already left for work, without even bothering to wake her! Granted, Asami was 20 now, and probably shouldn't still be relying on her mother for that sort of thing.
After hastily preparing a toast breakfast, and changing her outfit with one swish of her heart-shaped wand, Asami was ready to tackle the morning.
She ran out the door, toast in her mouth...
And found herself standing on the cold metal deck of a Dreadnaught-class Alliance Star-Cruiser.
The toast dropped, hitting the ground with a thunk, butter side up.
Not enough luck for her, all things considered.
Kyuntaro changed back to his regular form and reared up, arching his back and hissing at the strange service-droids zooming back and forth.
Asami turned back, but only found a wall. No trace of her small house's front door.
Frowning, she began exploring the strange new environment. Maybe this was another dream, or a trap set by the vicious Heart-Attacker.
Either way, she gripped her wand, ready to unleash a Moe-Moe beam at whoever looked like they deserved it.
In this way, she ended up backing into the automatic door leading to the hull of the Escalion, the first ship sent by the Alliance as part of the thirty-year flight to confront the Apiary, the homeworld of the Buzzers.
She turned around as the whoosh of the automatic door startled her, and found a whole deck-full of grizzled space-marines and scientific officers looking at the strange new, wide-eyed stowaway.
The commander, sitting in the large metal chair in the center of the main deck, turned around to face her.
"Name and rank, soldier," the remarkably young-looking commander said.
Asami's heart did a doki. He looked just like Kazuya-sama.
"Oh, um, I'm Asami Kuruha, also known as Cosmic Defender Purin. I seem to have gotten off the train at the wrong station, if you will excuse me," she says, bowing politely before backing up, only to find the door behind her firmly closed.
"What is that...thing?" one of the marines next to the Commander asks, pointing to Kyuntarou.
"Hey, back the fuck off, ya mook, or I'll give you a nice scar to brag about, capisce?" Kyuntarou says, in a remarkably deep, if dated, Prohibition era gangster voice.
"No need to be mean, he probably never saw a cat-terpillar liike you," Asami says, petting Kyuntarou, who relaxes a bit, but still gives the marine a wicked side-eye.
Stunned into silence by the talking six-legged alien-cat, only added to by the utterly incongruous voice it spoke with, the deck is decidedly at an impasse.
"Where are we?" Asami asks, taking charge once the focus is thankfully off of her.
"In orbit of the Moon of Aspis, in the shadow behind the Apiary. We are here to either negotiate a truce, or wipe them out," explains the Commander.
"Can't you just win them over with the power of friendship?" Asami suggests, legitimately offering the tried-and-true method of conflict negotiation in *her* world, but clearly coming across as hopelessly naive in the language of the marines.
A laugh shakes the deck, but the Commander raises a hand, silencing the mocking laughter, and Asami's heart does another doki.
"It's a fair question. We did try that. But our Friendship Brigade was hopelessly overrun by Buzzers. There aren't enough Epi-Pens in the galaxy to have saved them from the anaphylactic shock from their dreaded stingers."
"Oh, you're talking about bees?" Asami asks. "Nozomi-sensei always says that bees are our friends. They pollinate the whole world and make the flowers happy!"
"What the fuck are bees?" one of the marines asks, and it seems there is a fundamental cultural gap.
"Regardless," says the Commander. "If you have an actual idea of what we can do, I am all ears."
Asami smiles. Finally a time to shine.
She begins her hour-long magical girl transformation sequence, particle effects raining down over the deck as recycled animation and generic poppy music plays.
Once she is done with that, she lands her double-peace pose, and waits for everyone to applaud.
No one does.
Except Kyntarou, bless his heart.
"Are you quite finished?" one of the science officers asks.
"No, I was just getting started," says Asami, smiling, as she prepared to unleash her ultimate technique...
...
...
...
The destruction of the Apiary was sudden and absolute.
It started with a rain of what looked like pink glitter from the green sky of the homeworld, which some of the Buzzers tried to fly closer to to investigate, but quickly were overwhelmed as giant heart-shaped projectiles began raining holy hellfire upon their structures. Each one lay, beating like a cartoon heart, before exploding in a pink mushroom cloud of glitter. The radioactive half-life of glitter is notoriously infinite. If there were any Buzzers left in a thousand years, they would find the crops too bedazzled to grow, and eating them would cause internal beautification. Not a good way to die.
The entire surface of the planet was carpet bombed with heart-shaped thermonuclear warheads continuously for almost six episodes.
The Buzzers were no more.
...
Asami walked back over to where her toast had fallen, picking it up after being given the title of Supreme Defender of the Alliance.
Now all she had to do was pass her college entrance exam.
Today was no day to be sleeping in! she reminded herself. It was the day she was going to take her college admission exam for the third time, after failing the last two years.
She ran downstairs, still in her signature pink pajamas, as Kynatarou shifted back into his unassuming regular-cat form, and clambered down after her. She sighed. Her mother had already left for work, without even bothering to wake her! Granted, Asami was 20 now, and probably shouldn't still be relying on her mother for that sort of thing.
After hastily preparing a toast breakfast, and changing her outfit with one swish of her heart-shaped wand, Asami was ready to tackle the morning.
She ran out the door, toast in her mouth...
And found herself standing on the cold metal deck of a Dreadnaught-class Alliance Star-Cruiser.
The toast dropped, hitting the ground with a thunk, butter side up.
Not enough luck for her, all things considered.
Kyuntaro changed back to his regular form and reared up, arching his back and hissing at the strange service-droids zooming back and forth.
Asami turned back, but only found a wall. No trace of her small house's front door.
Frowning, she began exploring the strange new environment. Maybe this was another dream, or a trap set by the vicious Heart-Attacker.
Either way, she gripped her wand, ready to unleash a Moe-Moe beam at whoever looked like they deserved it.
In this way, she ended up backing into the automatic door leading to the hull of the Escalion, the first ship sent by the Alliance as part of the thirty-year flight to confront the Apiary, the homeworld of the Buzzers.
She turned around as the whoosh of the automatic door startled her, and found a whole deck-full of grizzled space-marines and scientific officers looking at the strange new, wide-eyed stowaway.
The commander, sitting in the large metal chair in the center of the main deck, turned around to face her.
"Name and rank, soldier," the remarkably young-looking commander said.
Asami's heart did a doki. He looked just like Kazuya-sama.
"Oh, um, I'm Asami Kuruha, also known as Cosmic Defender Purin. I seem to have gotten off the train at the wrong station, if you will excuse me," she says, bowing politely before backing up, only to find the door behind her firmly closed.
"What is that...thing?" one of the marines next to the Commander asks, pointing to Kyuntarou.
"Hey, back the fuck off, ya mook, or I'll give you a nice scar to brag about, capisce?" Kyuntarou says, in a remarkably deep, if dated, Prohibition era gangster voice.
"No need to be mean, he probably never saw a cat-terpillar liike you," Asami says, petting Kyuntarou, who relaxes a bit, but still gives the marine a wicked side-eye.
Stunned into silence by the talking six-legged alien-cat, only added to by the utterly incongruous voice it spoke with, the deck is decidedly at an impasse.
"Where are we?" Asami asks, taking charge once the focus is thankfully off of her.
"In orbit of the Moon of Aspis, in the shadow behind the Apiary. We are here to either negotiate a truce, or wipe them out," explains the Commander.
"Can't you just win them over with the power of friendship?" Asami suggests, legitimately offering the tried-and-true method of conflict negotiation in *her* world, but clearly coming across as hopelessly naive in the language of the marines.
A laugh shakes the deck, but the Commander raises a hand, silencing the mocking laughter, and Asami's heart does another doki.
"It's a fair question. We did try that. But our Friendship Brigade was hopelessly overrun by Buzzers. There aren't enough Epi-Pens in the galaxy to have saved them from the anaphylactic shock from their dreaded stingers."
"Oh, you're talking about bees?" Asami asks. "Nozomi-sensei always says that bees are our friends. They pollinate the whole world and make the flowers happy!"
"What the fuck are bees?" one of the marines asks, and it seems there is a fundamental cultural gap.
"Regardless," says the Commander. "If you have an actual idea of what we can do, I am all ears."
Asami smiles. Finally a time to shine.
She begins her hour-long magical girl transformation sequence, particle effects raining down over the deck as recycled animation and generic poppy music plays.
Once she is done with that, she lands her double-peace pose, and waits for everyone to applaud.
No one does.
Except Kyntarou, bless his heart.
"Are you quite finished?" one of the science officers asks.
"No, I was just getting started," says Asami, smiling, as she prepared to unleash her ultimate technique...
...
...
...
The destruction of the Apiary was sudden and absolute.
It started with a rain of what looked like pink glitter from the green sky of the homeworld, which some of the Buzzers tried to fly closer to to investigate, but quickly were overwhelmed as giant heart-shaped projectiles began raining holy hellfire upon their structures. Each one lay, beating like a cartoon heart, before exploding in a pink mushroom cloud of glitter. The radioactive half-life of glitter is notoriously infinite. If there were any Buzzers left in a thousand years, they would find the crops too bedazzled to grow, and eating them would cause internal beautification. Not a good way to die.
The entire surface of the planet was carpet bombed with heart-shaped thermonuclear warheads continuously for almost six episodes.
The Buzzers were no more.
...
Asami walked back over to where her toast had fallen, picking it up after being given the title of Supreme Defender of the Alliance.
Now all she had to do was pass her college entrance exam.