Well, maybe it’s better this way.
Marlene lay in the sand, brown eyes staring listlessly at the darkening sky above her with no care to the hair in her face, sand in her hair, or the rising tide inching ever closer. She had scoured this entire little island to no avail—there was no fresh water, possibly some plant life and small creatures she could consume, and absolutely nothing that belonged to her to be found on any crevice of the shore. No clothes, no pocketknife, nothing but the clothes on her back that were now stiff and scratchy with salt and sand. She had no idea how she came to be here, not even whether she’d lost memories of disastrous travels or she really had just gone to sleep in her own bed to wake up here with no explanation. She had circled the island several times in search of clues, as well as straining to see any landmass on the horizon.
Nothing.
To be fair, that’s probably what she deserved.
Grains of sand whipped along by the wind pelted her exposed skin, yet she scarcely noticed, so much in her mind was she. Her stomach rose and fell in shallow, mechanical breaths, arms splayed carelessly out to the sides in whatever position gravity had pulled them in with fingers curled uselessly. Her limbs felt as distant as hope, and to reach out to them took too much for her to care, even when the tide began to lick at her feet.
Was it because she had ruined the happiness of others with her very existence? If it had been only her brother born, everything would have been fine. Colton could move through the world normally—and he had deserved to have an ordinary life instead of feeling obligated to be a buffer between her and the world along with her father. If she hadn’t been born, her mother wouldn’t have thought that their father had an affair, Colton wouldn’t have felt torn between their parents as their mother couldn’t remember the existence of Marlene, and the strain of her secret existence wouldn’t have driven their father to an early grave. Moving through life where her existence could make no mark past a single day in human connection had ruined the lives of those around her.
Even as an adult, her very existence continued to strain and burden Colton since it was still difficult to exist in a world that couldn’t remember her. With no record of her existing through a birth certificate, maintaining her own bank account, gainful employment, or renting became nigh impossible without resorting to means she hadn’t ever been comfortable with. That had been her mistake. Maybe that was why she woke up on this island—her own selfish desires to keep dignity and integrity had compromised the only person left in the world who knew her and loved her, to his detriment.
God, she had been so selfish to want to feel a little normal and to feel loved by someone, when she was the reason things fell apart. The water licked up to Marlene’s knees now, her unfocused eyes not even flickering at the cool water against her skin or the growl of hunger in her stomach. This is what you deserve. This is what the universe meant for you when it cursed you like it did. The words echoed in her head again and again. You ruin everything.
The sky was full dark by the time the water reached her hips, and a choked sob wrangled its way out of her throat. Tears she hadn’t thought herself capable of filled her eyes, and against her own hopes, her mind began scrambling back into her body. Curling fingers, hauling arms close, pushing her torso up into some semblance of sitting up. Every movement away from giving in to the water fueled the self-loathing burning in her chest, and yet her selfish, stupid self began moving away from the water in clumsy, half-numb scoots, eventually stumbling to her feet to reach the edge of the foliage where the tide couldn’t wash her away with the refuse.
She deserved to die and free her brother from feeling obligated to her. It would be so easy to let the water take her.
And yet, she clung to life once again like the selfish monster she was. I hate you.
Marlene lay in the sand, brown eyes staring listlessly at the darkening sky above her with no care to the hair in her face, sand in her hair, or the rising tide inching ever closer. She had scoured this entire little island to no avail—there was no fresh water, possibly some plant life and small creatures she could consume, and absolutely nothing that belonged to her to be found on any crevice of the shore. No clothes, no pocketknife, nothing but the clothes on her back that were now stiff and scratchy with salt and sand. She had no idea how she came to be here, not even whether she’d lost memories of disastrous travels or she really had just gone to sleep in her own bed to wake up here with no explanation. She had circled the island several times in search of clues, as well as straining to see any landmass on the horizon.
Nothing.
To be fair, that’s probably what she deserved.
Grains of sand whipped along by the wind pelted her exposed skin, yet she scarcely noticed, so much in her mind was she. Her stomach rose and fell in shallow, mechanical breaths, arms splayed carelessly out to the sides in whatever position gravity had pulled them in with fingers curled uselessly. Her limbs felt as distant as hope, and to reach out to them took too much for her to care, even when the tide began to lick at her feet.
Was it because she had ruined the happiness of others with her very existence? If it had been only her brother born, everything would have been fine. Colton could move through the world normally—and he had deserved to have an ordinary life instead of feeling obligated to be a buffer between her and the world along with her father. If she hadn’t been born, her mother wouldn’t have thought that their father had an affair, Colton wouldn’t have felt torn between their parents as their mother couldn’t remember the existence of Marlene, and the strain of her secret existence wouldn’t have driven their father to an early grave. Moving through life where her existence could make no mark past a single day in human connection had ruined the lives of those around her.
Even as an adult, her very existence continued to strain and burden Colton since it was still difficult to exist in a world that couldn’t remember her. With no record of her existing through a birth certificate, maintaining her own bank account, gainful employment, or renting became nigh impossible without resorting to means she hadn’t ever been comfortable with. That had been her mistake. Maybe that was why she woke up on this island—her own selfish desires to keep dignity and integrity had compromised the only person left in the world who knew her and loved her, to his detriment.
God, she had been so selfish to want to feel a little normal and to feel loved by someone, when she was the reason things fell apart. The water licked up to Marlene’s knees now, her unfocused eyes not even flickering at the cool water against her skin or the growl of hunger in her stomach. This is what you deserve. This is what the universe meant for you when it cursed you like it did. The words echoed in her head again and again. You ruin everything.
The sky was full dark by the time the water reached her hips, and a choked sob wrangled its way out of her throat. Tears she hadn’t thought herself capable of filled her eyes, and against her own hopes, her mind began scrambling back into her body. Curling fingers, hauling arms close, pushing her torso up into some semblance of sitting up. Every movement away from giving in to the water fueled the self-loathing burning in her chest, and yet her selfish, stupid self began moving away from the water in clumsy, half-numb scoots, eventually stumbling to her feet to reach the edge of the foliage where the tide couldn’t wash her away with the refuse.
She deserved to die and free her brother from feeling obligated to her. It would be so easy to let the water take her.
And yet, she clung to life once again like the selfish monster she was. I hate you.