QueerPants
Chaos Gremlim (he/they)
- Local time
- Today 8:05 AM
- Messages
- 13
- Age
- 20
- Pronouns
- He/They
ABOUT ME:
Howdy!
My name is Edmond/Jeans! I use he/they pronouns
I've been roleplaying around ~6 years and have been using this site a couple years, though I had to make a new account. Nevertheless! I'm back and more ready than ever, looking for some long term writing partners
For context, I am 20 years old, transmasculine, and queer. I like to consider myself pretty literate, but I'm an undergrad in college as well as balancing a part time job and other excursions. My goal is to respond OOC everyday and give regular updates about the story as need, and have legit story replies a couple times a week to daily, depending on a whole slew of factors. I love to plan stories and become friends with my writing partners, so if you want to chat be sure to hit me up! I roleplay original characters pretty exclusively due to the fact that I'm pretty out of the loop on media, but other than that I'm pretty open.
Some personal interests:
-I am an artist and I specialize in character design, portraiture, and painting. If I'm invested enough there's a good chance I will draw our characters.
-I've been running Dungeons and Dragons Campaigns for the last three years and have fallen in love with the fantasy vibes.
-Tetris. I am a maniac for Tetris. If you're on tetr.io we should battle each other.
What I'm Looking For:
-Good writing vibes! Provide me with a writing sample if you can. Quality over quantity ALWAYS, but I still need to have something to work with
-Friendly OOC chat, and will plot with me. I'd love to make friends, sure, but I am also the type of writer who wants to know the plot, the next two scenes, and where the ending is (the ending thing might not happen immediately, that's fine).
-Will fangirl over our characters and stories with me. Let's get excited! I'm here to have fun, so let's have fun!
-Good grammar
-Let me know any triggers you may have so we can discuss
-A respectful portrayal of any mental illnesses, and maybe stray away from any you don't personally experience or know much about.
-Sex optional, but I can have a party! (If it leads that way in the story 100% I'm up for it)
With that out of the way!
Plots:
These are pretty loose! Tell me any ideas you have too! Bold is my preferred role! If a name is mentioned, find them under characters. More stars, harder I crave.
Come Around Here Often? (College Town/Modern Romance, MxM/NB) *******
Set in a college town, M/C is a barista at a local coffee shop in the middle of a booming college town. During the week the shop is slammed from open to close, with few breaks, but on the weekend it's incredibly slow. Y/C is not from the college town, but has been stalking M/C casually for a while. This is the first time Y/C has had the gall to come to M/C place of business during the slowest time and stare, watch, fantasize, and subtly take pictures of M/C at work. After M/C shift is over, Y/C hides out to follow M/C home.
No, This Was a Mistake (College Town/Modern Romance, MxM/NB)*****
Set in a college town, M/C is dragged with his friends to the local queer club to celebrate the end of the year. Feeling reckless and a little self destructive, M/C
goes home with Y/C for a one night stand. Y/C wakes up, and M/C has been long gone. Without getting any contacts, all Y/C remembers is M/C's name, appearance, and who he was with at the club.
Oh Kiss Me, Son of God (Medieval/Modern Fantasy, MxM/NB)*****
Set in the culty town of Watercrest. Y/C moves in with their family. Whether it be for the tightknit community, the religious influences, or perhaps the wealth of the town doesn't matter. What matters is that there's something dark lying under the surface. Strange almost ritualistic behaviors, unspoken rules of conduct, talk of humanoid sacrifice. In the midst of it all, Y/C meets Jiang. He's a ray of sunshine in all the weird, but still deeply buried in all of this culty nonsense. However, while everyone else uses the Goddess, Boldrei, as a means of fear mongering, he has been adopted as her son. And her only true follower.
Burning Heat (Apocalyptic Fantasy)
The world is blistered and bruised, apocalyptic and barely holding on. Low on supplies and rations, there's little hope in survival. Work seems endless for mere scraps. For our characters, there is only true comfort found in each other. Still, they find ways to make life bearable, and learn to enjoy the small things, because the most important thing is that they have each other.
Love Me Normally (Medieval/Modern Fantasy, FxF/NB)
A fancy party is being hosted by an immensely wealthy family, and y/c has been invited as a guest. Beth found herself as a server in the party, hired as an odd job to make a little extra money to get by. The moment she lays eyes on y/c, she's enamored but full of self doubt and internalized hatred for herself. Throughout the party, she tries to get closer to your character, while all the same she's getting dragged to and from every other person who needs waited on. Hell, she's doing a job, but she still can't keep her eyes off of y/c. After the party, she finds y/c and strikes up conversation. The beginning of a friendship, that she wants much more from.
(More to come later!)
Pairings:
First of all, I don't do MxF pairings. Nothing wrong with the straights, just not my cup of tea.
Barista x Regular (MxM) ***
Obsessed x Stalker ***
College Student x College Student
College Student x College Dropout
Cowboy x Cowboy (Rootin' tootin' ready for shootin', but also very gay and not necessarily realistic at all)
Pirate x Pirate (Similarly!! Gay pirates! I have now watched Our Flag Means Death!!)
Member of a Cult x Unindoctrinated*** (MxM/MxNB, my character is a trans man)***
Artist x Muse
Indentured Servant x Master's Kid** (Not immediately romantic, possible slow burn. MxM/MxNB)
(If you have any ideas, leave a comment or pm me. These are by no means all-encompassing, just ideas off the top of my head)
Settings I adore:
Small, rural, fantasy town. This can range from high fantasy medieval Lord of the Rings style town all the way to modern inspired low fantasy/minor magic and maybe some fantasy races with a mix of technology. When writing something in this sort of vibe, the only thing I haven't found a way to incorporate in satisfying fashion has been present day cell phones.
College towns. Currently, I live in a college town, and I love the vibe of somewhere small and pretty reserved centered around a big college.
Mid-size cities. Small enough that people can become familiar with each other, especially right around where they live and frequent, not too big that it's all tourism and gentrification.
Anything during war! Buildup to a war, during war, or post-war. It's all very interesting to me. However, I'm not into military plots or characters. What I like is political play, protest, riots, and everything outside of the actual battle.
Not Sure About Any of Those? Try,
Characters:
John "Chance" Doe (He/Him) *************
Beth Norman (She/Her)
Jiang Agosta (He/They)
Last But Not Least
I will leave you with a writing sample. May it sway your decision.
Howdy!
My name is Edmond/Jeans! I use he/they pronouns
I've been roleplaying around ~6 years and have been using this site a couple years, though I had to make a new account. Nevertheless! I'm back and more ready than ever, looking for some long term writing partners
For context, I am 20 years old, transmasculine, and queer. I like to consider myself pretty literate, but I'm an undergrad in college as well as balancing a part time job and other excursions. My goal is to respond OOC everyday and give regular updates about the story as need, and have legit story replies a couple times a week to daily, depending on a whole slew of factors. I love to plan stories and become friends with my writing partners, so if you want to chat be sure to hit me up! I roleplay original characters pretty exclusively due to the fact that I'm pretty out of the loop on media, but other than that I'm pretty open.
Some personal interests:
-I am an artist and I specialize in character design, portraiture, and painting. If I'm invested enough there's a good chance I will draw our characters.
-I've been running Dungeons and Dragons Campaigns for the last three years and have fallen in love with the fantasy vibes.
-Tetris. I am a maniac for Tetris. If you're on tetr.io we should battle each other.
What I'm Looking For:
-Good writing vibes! Provide me with a writing sample if you can. Quality over quantity ALWAYS, but I still need to have something to work with
-Friendly OOC chat, and will plot with me. I'd love to make friends, sure, but I am also the type of writer who wants to know the plot, the next two scenes, and where the ending is (the ending thing might not happen immediately, that's fine).
-Will fangirl over our characters and stories with me. Let's get excited! I'm here to have fun, so let's have fun!
-Good grammar
-Let me know any triggers you may have so we can discuss
-A respectful portrayal of any mental illnesses, and maybe stray away from any you don't personally experience or know much about.
-Sex optional, but I can have a party! (If it leads that way in the story 100% I'm up for it)
With that out of the way!
Plots:
These are pretty loose! Tell me any ideas you have too! Bold is my preferred role! If a name is mentioned, find them under characters. More stars, harder I crave.
Come Around Here Often? (College Town/Modern Romance, MxM/NB) *******
Set in a college town, M/C is a barista at a local coffee shop in the middle of a booming college town. During the week the shop is slammed from open to close, with few breaks, but on the weekend it's incredibly slow. Y/C is not from the college town, but has been stalking M/C casually for a while. This is the first time Y/C has had the gall to come to M/C place of business during the slowest time and stare, watch, fantasize, and subtly take pictures of M/C at work. After M/C shift is over, Y/C hides out to follow M/C home.
No, This Was a Mistake (College Town/Modern Romance, MxM/NB)*****
Set in a college town, M/C is dragged with his friends to the local queer club to celebrate the end of the year. Feeling reckless and a little self destructive, M/C
goes home with Y/C for a one night stand. Y/C wakes up, and M/C has been long gone. Without getting any contacts, all Y/C remembers is M/C's name, appearance, and who he was with at the club.
Oh Kiss Me, Son of God (Medieval/Modern Fantasy, MxM/NB)*****
Set in the culty town of Watercrest. Y/C moves in with their family. Whether it be for the tightknit community, the religious influences, or perhaps the wealth of the town doesn't matter. What matters is that there's something dark lying under the surface. Strange almost ritualistic behaviors, unspoken rules of conduct, talk of humanoid sacrifice. In the midst of it all, Y/C meets Jiang. He's a ray of sunshine in all the weird, but still deeply buried in all of this culty nonsense. However, while everyone else uses the Goddess, Boldrei, as a means of fear mongering, he has been adopted as her son. And her only true follower.
Burning Heat (Apocalyptic Fantasy)
The world is blistered and bruised, apocalyptic and barely holding on. Low on supplies and rations, there's little hope in survival. Work seems endless for mere scraps. For our characters, there is only true comfort found in each other. Still, they find ways to make life bearable, and learn to enjoy the small things, because the most important thing is that they have each other.
Love Me Normally (Medieval/Modern Fantasy, FxF/NB)
A fancy party is being hosted by an immensely wealthy family, and y/c has been invited as a guest. Beth found herself as a server in the party, hired as an odd job to make a little extra money to get by. The moment she lays eyes on y/c, she's enamored but full of self doubt and internalized hatred for herself. Throughout the party, she tries to get closer to your character, while all the same she's getting dragged to and from every other person who needs waited on. Hell, she's doing a job, but she still can't keep her eyes off of y/c. After the party, she finds y/c and strikes up conversation. The beginning of a friendship, that she wants much more from.
(More to come later!)
Pairings:
First of all, I don't do MxF pairings. Nothing wrong with the straights, just not my cup of tea.
Barista x Regular (MxM) ***
Obsessed x Stalker ***
College Student x College Student
College Student x College Dropout
Cowboy x Cowboy (Rootin' tootin' ready for shootin', but also very gay and not necessarily realistic at all)
Pirate x Pirate (Similarly!! Gay pirates! I have now watched Our Flag Means Death!!)
Member of a Cult x Unindoctrinated*** (MxM/MxNB, my character is a trans man)***
Artist x Muse
Indentured Servant x Master's Kid** (Not immediately romantic, possible slow burn. MxM/MxNB)
(If you have any ideas, leave a comment or pm me. These are by no means all-encompassing, just ideas off the top of my head)
Settings I adore:
Small, rural, fantasy town. This can range from high fantasy medieval Lord of the Rings style town all the way to modern inspired low fantasy/minor magic and maybe some fantasy races with a mix of technology. When writing something in this sort of vibe, the only thing I haven't found a way to incorporate in satisfying fashion has been present day cell phones.
College towns. Currently, I live in a college town, and I love the vibe of somewhere small and pretty reserved centered around a big college.
Mid-size cities. Small enough that people can become familiar with each other, especially right around where they live and frequent, not too big that it's all tourism and gentrification.
Anything during war! Buildup to a war, during war, or post-war. It's all very interesting to me. However, I'm not into military plots or characters. What I like is political play, protest, riots, and everything outside of the actual battle.
Not Sure About Any of Those? Try,
Characters:
John "Chance" Doe (He/Him) *************
Chance is the character I've had the longest. I made him 5 years ago and have been developing him ever since. He's changed a lot, he's grown a lot, and I just love him more and more. He's the hopeless boy in his head who doesn't believe in change and doesn't believe that he deserves help or good things. He's independent to a fault and through that finds himself often in very sticky and uncomfortable situations. He's my character I would play as the Indentured Servant role.
Beth Norman (She/Her)
Beth was originally one of my Dungeons and Dragons characters. She is a tiefling (but doesn't have to be in our story depending on setting) born to two human parents for reasons. (Don't mess with demons if you don't want them to curse your future children. SMH) Raised as a cleric, she never received any holy blessings, but did develop ungodly rage which developed into her becoming a barbarian. She's soft and kind and perfect. Except she killed her parents in a blind rage for what they'd done to her and ran away. She's closed off and secretive a lot of the times. She has an exterior made of concrete and trust issues to reinforce it. However, she does for others almost to a fault and is still learning to say No. She's my character I would play for the Artist role.
Jiang Agosta (He/They)
Like Beth, Jiang was also originally one of my Dungeons and Dragons, however, he was a human cleric. In a lot of ways, he is the antithesis to her. He was raised in a very religious cult and in a large family (the specifics can be changed for setting, but his setting is very developed if you're interested in some fantasy!!!). He's a healer and so full of anxiety and devotion. His love is complete and undeniable and unavoidable and inevitable. He's my character I would play for the Member of a Cult Role.
Last But Not Least
I will leave you with a writing sample. May it sway your decision.
The first semester of the school year had been hellish. Chance watched his friends succeed in academics, work, and socially, while he spent the year drowning. Every day felt exactly the same. He slept through too many of his classes, he ignored his assignments, he barely left his bed, and only to take care of his basic necessities or to waste his life at that god forsaken gas station down the hill. Even his shifts felt the same. Rude, impatient customers. Teenagers coming to shove shots of Fireballs down their pants. High college students standing staring at the candy aisle for hours unmoving, making the whole place reek of marijuana. At least some of them would let him hit off their pen or invite him outside. Maybe some shifts weren't so miserable.
Oscar, a friend of his since middle school, was in his second year, alongside Chance. Danny, a girl he lived with, who took custody of him after she aged out of the system, was graduating with a Bachelor's in Social Work and had applied - and been accepted - to a Master's program for Psychiatry. Autumn, Danny's girlfriend of nearly 3 years, was in her senior year on the Dean's List and involved in several organization on campus. Chance, on the other hand, failed 3 out of 5 classes he had last semester. If he had to guess, his GPA couldn't have been higher than a 1.2. Honestly, he was too scared to ask and find out. He knew he would have to pull some crazy shit to even be eligible to graduate, let alone do anything with a degree.
A few years back, he had dreams. Chance was going to come to college and make friends, come into his own, find himself, and figure out how to make a good life for himself. A simple life. One with food and housing security, family meals, and game nights. He was going to be an accountant. He would work. And he would come home. And he would be happy. Was that so much to ask for?
The second semester was a repeat of the last. Except it was frigid and bleak. Chance hid himself in his room as often as possible, and Danny typically let him. Not out of malice or to enable him, but because she figured he was just in a weird transitional mindset that would go away soon. He would pick himself back up like she had watched him do throughout their childhood. It was impossible to hide all hours of the day; he had to work, or they would be evicted from their apartment. Autumn and Oscar would harass him at his job. What would he do? He couldn't run away, and if he was honest, he appreciated the effort.
In the morning, his body did not feel like his own. It was Friday, he didn't have any classes, and he wasn't scheduled for work. It was February 15th. He rolled out of bed. The sun passed the highest point on the meridian. If he had a desk job he would be eating some sort of packed lunch at his desk or in a room with a few of his coworkers. Instead, he pours cereal and milk into a bowl, and he shovels it into his maw with a lifeless gaze. The television in the living room droned commercials for some sort of hair dryer. Or maybe a kids' playset. Or a local dog training service. He paid no attention. He was paying so little attention, in fact, he didn't even know it was February 15th. His 20th birthday.
He rinsed his bowl and put it in the dishwasher, barely moving his arms as he did so. He was strictly on autopilot. He went to the bathroom and read the back of a shampoo bottle while he did his business. He got up, washed his hands, went to the living room, and sunk so deep into the couch you couldn't be sure where Chance stopped and cushion began. If you asked him what show he was watching, he wouldn't be able to tell you. It was a marvel how he was simultaneously so burnt out and so bored and so disassociated. He was failure in his own right. He accomplished nothing. He was worth nothing. He only moved to get his Gameboy Color from his room, so he could sink right back into the couch and play Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening.
The sun began to sink with him, down towards the horizon. Hours had passed. Danny walked in and threw her keys on the counter. She asked, "How have you been celebrating today?"
"Celebrating what?" He asked back, not looking up from his game.
Then the front door swung open again. Autumn was holding a cookie cake with 20 orange and green spiraled candles on top. From his angle he couldn't read where they had written 'Happy 20th Birthday, Chance!' Oscar began singing "Happy Birthday" and Autumn and Danny followed suit. Chance looked like a deer caught in headlights. His eyes shot wide, he sat perfectly still, and he wasn't sure whether he should stay petrified or burst off to his room. How could it have even been his birthday? Then he remembered yesterday. Danny had successfully shoved him out of his room and out of the apartment into Oscar's dorm so her and Autumn could spend Valentine's together. He got back in the apartment somewhere near the witching hour, so maybe she didn't even know he was home, and she always left for her classes unreasonably early. Was Oscar supposed to be responsible for morning birthday festivities?
"Happy Birthday" concluded, and he forced a smile and blew out the collection of candles that illuminated his face in a couple big breaths. "Thank you guys," He said, "I'm glad someone remembered my birthday, cause I sure didn't." While he meant it to come off as lighthearted, after he said it, it just sounded sad.
"How do you forget your birthday..?" Oscar asked under his breath rhetorically.
Danny started cutting the cookie cake for everyone and Autumn said, "You better get on something nice. After cake we're taking you out to dinner. Anywhere you wanna go. On us." Hundreds of arguments flooded his brain why he shouldn't go, why he didn't want to go out, why they should let him keep wallowing in his own self-pity and disassociation. He looked to their faces. They all looked excited for him. Oscar was beaming, he had a glint in his eyes that was so characteristic of the man.
He didn't want to disappoint anyone. So he went to his room, and he picked out a nice pair of pants and a sweater that suited him, and he layered up. He wore mostly earth tones, browns, greens, and greys, but today he added a couple necklaces and rings. He figured he might as well dress up. It was his birthday after all, and he'd wasted most of the day doing dogshit already.
Chance decided that for his birthday he wanted to go out to a local hibachi restaurant. He liked watching them cook on the flat top, and the gags the chefs pulled made him smile. When he was young, he remembered being so scared of the fire that when they would do the 'onion volcano' he would hide under the table. Maybe it was exhilarating to not hide. Maybe he could be brave.
Everyone was smiling and laughing and having a good time. The chef kept throwing pieces of chicken to Oscar and he missed nearly every piece. Even though the man was big, he was not athletic at all. He lacked coordination and balance, and refused to go to the gym even though he seemed strong. Chance ate like he had never eaten before. He cleared his plate, and Danny made a joke about him licking it clean. He lifted it, teasing as if he would, but put the plate back on the table. A few of the workers came, sang happy birthday to him, and gave him a piece of lemon cake.
After the bill was paid and everyone was full and happy, they loaded up into Danny's green 2000 Range Rover. Autumn was in the front with her girlfriend, while the boys sat in the back. On the drive home, they joked and laughed and reminisced. Chance said, "I can't believe I'm not a teenager anymore. Everything is different now."
Oscar, being a few months younger, said "Yeah, you're like a grandpa now. Basically on your death bed."
"Hey now," Danny said, being over two years older than Chance.
"Well you're not old," He backtracked, "Just Chance is."
"Okay, wow, slow down," Chance said, putting his hands out in front of him dramatically. "How does that work?"
"It just does, don't worry about it."
When they got back to the apartment, they sat around the living room. They put on a movie and made popcorn and grabbed candy from Danny's stash in the pantry. It'd been a long while since Chance had so much fun, but he felt guilty about it. What if it meant that all this time he was just choosing to be miserable and alone. What if it meant that the problem was something intrinsic to him? He'd wasted his last couple years as a teenager and he would never get them back. He wasn't a teenager anymore. He missed out on all his opportunities to be a teenage dirtbag. He never did any graffiti, he didn't sneak out, he didn't go party, he never did any crazy drugs, or have risky sex, or really anything he thought teenagers were supposed to do. For the most part, he just rotted away in himself. Was it too late to do it now?
The other three were riffing off of each other, making a joke about one of the scenes in the movie. The smile on his face was wavering away. "What if I'm just broken?" He interrupted. The air went stale as they stared at him. "What do you mean?" Danny asked.
"I'm just different," He elaborated, "Everybody else is out doing drugs and partying and having sex and getting into drama and fighting each other. I just lay in bed all day and hate myself. I feel like I've missed out on the most fun years of my life, and I'm just going to be behind everyone else forever. How the fuck am I going to catch up when I keep failing all my classes, and I know it's my fault because I can't even make myself go to them or do the work I need to do, because when I sit down and try and do it, I would honestly rather rip my eyes out than look at another math problem. And don't tell me to switch majors. I'm so disinterested in literally everything I do. Nothing brings me joy! Not the games I play, not the shows I watch, even trying to pick up my favorite books feels like the most daunting task imaginable. My insomnia has gotten worse, so I can't sleep at night, then the sun comes up, and I'm so fucking tired I can't get out of bed. Making myself something to eat is fucking impossible most days cause everything just sounds nauseating. I can't do this shit anymore! But I don't know what to change!" The room stood still as they stared at him. He was on his feet at this point, he wasn't sure when he stood up, but he had been pacing while he talked. Throwing his hands around in emphasis. They looked scared for him. "Don't look at me like that, guys, I'm not gonna fucking kill myself or anything. I'm not crazy." He felt crazy.
Nobody said anything for an uncomfortably long time. He sat back on the couch as a lump formed in his throat he couldn't manage to swallow. The lump felt like regret. He should have kept his damn mouth closed. Danny broke the silence, "Let's go to Queen's Court downtown and get fucked up and party. It's not too late to be stupid."
"That wasn't really the point," He said, slumped down in his seat.
"Chance, you have smiled more tonight than I have seen in the past six months combined. We aren't stopping yet. If you want to go party and dance and do drugs and be a teenager, we will make it happen. We can't really revert your age, but we can give you that experience."
"I just, I don't know. That sounds like a lot. I'm not sure."
Autumn piped in, "At this point, not your decision. That sounds fun as hell."
Oscar nodded, "I can party!"
So, they got ready. Autumn put together a high glam look, and Danny sat on the edge of the bath tub watching her. Oscar tried to help Chance pick out a different outfit that would fit the party aesthetic better. "You don't have many clothes," Oscar said. "Nope." "This is kind of tricky." "Yep."
They ended up dressing him in a white tank top with an orange button down over it, a pair of jeans, and his sneakers that he wears everyday. It was the best they could come up with.
When they arrived, it was nearing midnight. They didn't want to get there too early, but it also took Autumn over two hours to get her makeup and outfit just like she wanted, and Oscar had to stop at his dorm to grab a new outfit. The club was alive with music and dance and drunks. Vivid multicolor lights illuminated the dance floor in patches of rainbow. Black-lights made the décor on the wall glow neon. Chance gazed around the room and couldn't believe how much life there was everywhere. Before he could even take it all in, Danny was handing him a shot. He took it in his hand and looked at it and back to her. "What is it?!" He shouted over the music. "Malibu! Take it!" And they did, at the same time they flung their heads back and downed it in one. It bit his tongue and warmed his throat all the way down to his chest. He wasn't used to the sensation of alcohol, but he wanted another.
Soon enough he was lit, dancing along with the music. Swinging his hips around and moving his arms and legs rhythmically along everyone else. They were in a little circle, but Chance kept moving around. He would leave, walk around, and come back. He felt light on his feet and in his head. Most of his worries and anxieties had melted away. He found himself chatting up some of the other people there, and he was insistent on telling EVERYONE that it was his birthday. A few assumed he was turning 21 and bought him shots. He didn't turn anyone down, ignoring the dangers, and just enjoying the act of getting drunk and feeling young.
Oscar, a friend of his since middle school, was in his second year, alongside Chance. Danny, a girl he lived with, who took custody of him after she aged out of the system, was graduating with a Bachelor's in Social Work and had applied - and been accepted - to a Master's program for Psychiatry. Autumn, Danny's girlfriend of nearly 3 years, was in her senior year on the Dean's List and involved in several organization on campus. Chance, on the other hand, failed 3 out of 5 classes he had last semester. If he had to guess, his GPA couldn't have been higher than a 1.2. Honestly, he was too scared to ask and find out. He knew he would have to pull some crazy shit to even be eligible to graduate, let alone do anything with a degree.
A few years back, he had dreams. Chance was going to come to college and make friends, come into his own, find himself, and figure out how to make a good life for himself. A simple life. One with food and housing security, family meals, and game nights. He was going to be an accountant. He would work. And he would come home. And he would be happy. Was that so much to ask for?
The second semester was a repeat of the last. Except it was frigid and bleak. Chance hid himself in his room as often as possible, and Danny typically let him. Not out of malice or to enable him, but because she figured he was just in a weird transitional mindset that would go away soon. He would pick himself back up like she had watched him do throughout their childhood. It was impossible to hide all hours of the day; he had to work, or they would be evicted from their apartment. Autumn and Oscar would harass him at his job. What would he do? He couldn't run away, and if he was honest, he appreciated the effort.
In the morning, his body did not feel like his own. It was Friday, he didn't have any classes, and he wasn't scheduled for work. It was February 15th. He rolled out of bed. The sun passed the highest point on the meridian. If he had a desk job he would be eating some sort of packed lunch at his desk or in a room with a few of his coworkers. Instead, he pours cereal and milk into a bowl, and he shovels it into his maw with a lifeless gaze. The television in the living room droned commercials for some sort of hair dryer. Or maybe a kids' playset. Or a local dog training service. He paid no attention. He was paying so little attention, in fact, he didn't even know it was February 15th. His 20th birthday.
He rinsed his bowl and put it in the dishwasher, barely moving his arms as he did so. He was strictly on autopilot. He went to the bathroom and read the back of a shampoo bottle while he did his business. He got up, washed his hands, went to the living room, and sunk so deep into the couch you couldn't be sure where Chance stopped and cushion began. If you asked him what show he was watching, he wouldn't be able to tell you. It was a marvel how he was simultaneously so burnt out and so bored and so disassociated. He was failure in his own right. He accomplished nothing. He was worth nothing. He only moved to get his Gameboy Color from his room, so he could sink right back into the couch and play Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening.
The sun began to sink with him, down towards the horizon. Hours had passed. Danny walked in and threw her keys on the counter. She asked, "How have you been celebrating today?"
"Celebrating what?" He asked back, not looking up from his game.
Then the front door swung open again. Autumn was holding a cookie cake with 20 orange and green spiraled candles on top. From his angle he couldn't read where they had written 'Happy 20th Birthday, Chance!' Oscar began singing "Happy Birthday" and Autumn and Danny followed suit. Chance looked like a deer caught in headlights. His eyes shot wide, he sat perfectly still, and he wasn't sure whether he should stay petrified or burst off to his room. How could it have even been his birthday? Then he remembered yesterday. Danny had successfully shoved him out of his room and out of the apartment into Oscar's dorm so her and Autumn could spend Valentine's together. He got back in the apartment somewhere near the witching hour, so maybe she didn't even know he was home, and she always left for her classes unreasonably early. Was Oscar supposed to be responsible for morning birthday festivities?
"Happy Birthday" concluded, and he forced a smile and blew out the collection of candles that illuminated his face in a couple big breaths. "Thank you guys," He said, "I'm glad someone remembered my birthday, cause I sure didn't." While he meant it to come off as lighthearted, after he said it, it just sounded sad.
"How do you forget your birthday..?" Oscar asked under his breath rhetorically.
Danny started cutting the cookie cake for everyone and Autumn said, "You better get on something nice. After cake we're taking you out to dinner. Anywhere you wanna go. On us." Hundreds of arguments flooded his brain why he shouldn't go, why he didn't want to go out, why they should let him keep wallowing in his own self-pity and disassociation. He looked to their faces. They all looked excited for him. Oscar was beaming, he had a glint in his eyes that was so characteristic of the man.
He didn't want to disappoint anyone. So he went to his room, and he picked out a nice pair of pants and a sweater that suited him, and he layered up. He wore mostly earth tones, browns, greens, and greys, but today he added a couple necklaces and rings. He figured he might as well dress up. It was his birthday after all, and he'd wasted most of the day doing dogshit already.
Chance decided that for his birthday he wanted to go out to a local hibachi restaurant. He liked watching them cook on the flat top, and the gags the chefs pulled made him smile. When he was young, he remembered being so scared of the fire that when they would do the 'onion volcano' he would hide under the table. Maybe it was exhilarating to not hide. Maybe he could be brave.
Everyone was smiling and laughing and having a good time. The chef kept throwing pieces of chicken to Oscar and he missed nearly every piece. Even though the man was big, he was not athletic at all. He lacked coordination and balance, and refused to go to the gym even though he seemed strong. Chance ate like he had never eaten before. He cleared his plate, and Danny made a joke about him licking it clean. He lifted it, teasing as if he would, but put the plate back on the table. A few of the workers came, sang happy birthday to him, and gave him a piece of lemon cake.
After the bill was paid and everyone was full and happy, they loaded up into Danny's green 2000 Range Rover. Autumn was in the front with her girlfriend, while the boys sat in the back. On the drive home, they joked and laughed and reminisced. Chance said, "I can't believe I'm not a teenager anymore. Everything is different now."
Oscar, being a few months younger, said "Yeah, you're like a grandpa now. Basically on your death bed."
"Hey now," Danny said, being over two years older than Chance.
"Well you're not old," He backtracked, "Just Chance is."
"Okay, wow, slow down," Chance said, putting his hands out in front of him dramatically. "How does that work?"
"It just does, don't worry about it."
When they got back to the apartment, they sat around the living room. They put on a movie and made popcorn and grabbed candy from Danny's stash in the pantry. It'd been a long while since Chance had so much fun, but he felt guilty about it. What if it meant that all this time he was just choosing to be miserable and alone. What if it meant that the problem was something intrinsic to him? He'd wasted his last couple years as a teenager and he would never get them back. He wasn't a teenager anymore. He missed out on all his opportunities to be a teenage dirtbag. He never did any graffiti, he didn't sneak out, he didn't go party, he never did any crazy drugs, or have risky sex, or really anything he thought teenagers were supposed to do. For the most part, he just rotted away in himself. Was it too late to do it now?
The other three were riffing off of each other, making a joke about one of the scenes in the movie. The smile on his face was wavering away. "What if I'm just broken?" He interrupted. The air went stale as they stared at him. "What do you mean?" Danny asked.
"I'm just different," He elaborated, "Everybody else is out doing drugs and partying and having sex and getting into drama and fighting each other. I just lay in bed all day and hate myself. I feel like I've missed out on the most fun years of my life, and I'm just going to be behind everyone else forever. How the fuck am I going to catch up when I keep failing all my classes, and I know it's my fault because I can't even make myself go to them or do the work I need to do, because when I sit down and try and do it, I would honestly rather rip my eyes out than look at another math problem. And don't tell me to switch majors. I'm so disinterested in literally everything I do. Nothing brings me joy! Not the games I play, not the shows I watch, even trying to pick up my favorite books feels like the most daunting task imaginable. My insomnia has gotten worse, so I can't sleep at night, then the sun comes up, and I'm so fucking tired I can't get out of bed. Making myself something to eat is fucking impossible most days cause everything just sounds nauseating. I can't do this shit anymore! But I don't know what to change!" The room stood still as they stared at him. He was on his feet at this point, he wasn't sure when he stood up, but he had been pacing while he talked. Throwing his hands around in emphasis. They looked scared for him. "Don't look at me like that, guys, I'm not gonna fucking kill myself or anything. I'm not crazy." He felt crazy.
Nobody said anything for an uncomfortably long time. He sat back on the couch as a lump formed in his throat he couldn't manage to swallow. The lump felt like regret. He should have kept his damn mouth closed. Danny broke the silence, "Let's go to Queen's Court downtown and get fucked up and party. It's not too late to be stupid."
"That wasn't really the point," He said, slumped down in his seat.
"Chance, you have smiled more tonight than I have seen in the past six months combined. We aren't stopping yet. If you want to go party and dance and do drugs and be a teenager, we will make it happen. We can't really revert your age, but we can give you that experience."
"I just, I don't know. That sounds like a lot. I'm not sure."
Autumn piped in, "At this point, not your decision. That sounds fun as hell."
Oscar nodded, "I can party!"
So, they got ready. Autumn put together a high glam look, and Danny sat on the edge of the bath tub watching her. Oscar tried to help Chance pick out a different outfit that would fit the party aesthetic better. "You don't have many clothes," Oscar said. "Nope." "This is kind of tricky." "Yep."
They ended up dressing him in a white tank top with an orange button down over it, a pair of jeans, and his sneakers that he wears everyday. It was the best they could come up with.
When they arrived, it was nearing midnight. They didn't want to get there too early, but it also took Autumn over two hours to get her makeup and outfit just like she wanted, and Oscar had to stop at his dorm to grab a new outfit. The club was alive with music and dance and drunks. Vivid multicolor lights illuminated the dance floor in patches of rainbow. Black-lights made the décor on the wall glow neon. Chance gazed around the room and couldn't believe how much life there was everywhere. Before he could even take it all in, Danny was handing him a shot. He took it in his hand and looked at it and back to her. "What is it?!" He shouted over the music. "Malibu! Take it!" And they did, at the same time they flung their heads back and downed it in one. It bit his tongue and warmed his throat all the way down to his chest. He wasn't used to the sensation of alcohol, but he wanted another.
Soon enough he was lit, dancing along with the music. Swinging his hips around and moving his arms and legs rhythmically along everyone else. They were in a little circle, but Chance kept moving around. He would leave, walk around, and come back. He felt light on his feet and in his head. Most of his worries and anxieties had melted away. He found himself chatting up some of the other people there, and he was insistent on telling EVERYONE that it was his birthday. A few assumed he was turning 21 and bought him shots. He didn't turn anyone down, ignoring the dangers, and just enjoying the act of getting drunk and feeling young.
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