Mephisto1313
Positivity Goblin
Staff member
Moderator
Inner Sanctum Nobility
♔ Champion ♔
WARNING: This is a light hearted tale of absolutely cringy smut! Well a group of fun and fabulous DnD party members reading and joking about some very naughty and extremely poorly written insanely explicit erotic novels. Please skip this if any of that is not your piece of ... Pie.
Everyone was sitting around the table after eating their dinner. Miss Brunhildy had just begun filling their after dinner drinks of choice and they were chatting away about the events of the day. Miss Mikaela was bored and contemplating all of the exposed throats around the table, her vampiric fangs glistening in the lantern light insight the Sign of the Silver Sword Inn. Miss Aelita was tugging on her long braid as she talked to the violet skinned tiefling Mister Temerity in hushed tones and the big half orc warrior Noc was trying to tell the tiny gnome Pippi that she had eaten too much.
With Mister Skye enforcing nearly martial law on the town the things that might normally have kept them occupied were unavailable. The night ahead was likely to be slow and boring. BUt Pie, the little goblin wizard, he had an idea.
"Guys! I have a great idea! You know how sitting around doing nothing is gonna be boring as Helm at an orgy and eventually Mikki is just going to drag someone in to drink and git it on and then there might actually be an orgy? So why don't we … Go to the library! I know where the naughty books are. I think we should go check them out."
"What about the curfew Mander Skye is enforcing?" Pippi asked, while bapping Nocs big thigh for his insinuations about her diet.
"Fuck Mister Skye and the four foot stick up his ass!" Pie yelled, standing on his chair and planting both hands on the table for emphasis. Miss Brunhildy's head peeked from the kitchen door at the noise and Pie sheepishly sat down while blushing and waving an apology toward the buxom dwarf woman.
"We can sneak there and get in. I know the guard."
The half orc shook his head. "No gods be damned fucking way Pie. I am not getting involved in your weird and kinky bullshit! I don't need to look at any naughty books!"
Noc was the only one in opposition though and soon the group was sneaking out of the inn and dashing from shadow to shadow down the dark streets of Berdusk, dodging Mander Skye's patrolling guards. They arrived undiscovered and when Pie knocked on the large wooden doors of the library they creaked open slowly and a guard ushered him inside. Pie handed the guard a small wrapped package.
"Just use this like the other one and I promise your wife will be bragging about riding the sycamore for hours and hours to all her friends." The guard nodded his thanks and then exited and closed the door behind them. The door opened back up a crack and the guard's head re-appeared. "Do you think she really brags about the size of my prick?" Pie gave a knowing look and nodded his head.
"Really!? That twat! I've been avoiding bragging to all the guards about her humongous rack of tiddies since I thought that stuff was supposed to stay in the bedroom. Helm on a horse!" The door closed but immediately reopened. He mimed two large spheres the size of small shields with his hands. "She has amazingly huge dinner buckets! Makes my schlong dance every time those fat fucking udders come out! Thanks lil man!" He shut the door and they waited for a moment, but it did not re-open.
They were alone in the dark library.
Well, not quite alone. The ghostly ethereal librarian drifted slowly among the bookshelves in the near dark. Pie lit a lantern and they walked over to the librarian. The librarian stopped but as usual it said nothing. It had long hair the color of shining moonlight and was androgynously beautiful It carried a ghostly staff in it's boney hands.
Noc shook his head in disbelief that they were really doing this. "Pie, if this gets me killed, I will haunt you and crush your tiny green balls daily!"
Pie waved to the apparition, and added a fresh chrysanthemum to the small vase he had left for the librarian. "Hi there! We're sneaking in some reading tonight." He lowered his voice to a whisper even though no one else but them were there. "We're going to look at the naughty books. I hope that's ok. We didn't want to bother anyone during the day while we look at those kinds of things."
The librarian nodded its head and a wide smile that cut from ear to ear spread across it's ghostly face revealing rows of razor sharp teeth. It did not point this time, and turned and resumed it's wandering of the library. Pie led the way to the section the Librarian had pointed out on their first visit.
"Over here! They showed me where but I didn't even get a chance to look at anything." He set the lantern down on a table and they all gathered round in a circle and Pie Went to the stack and began distributing some of the books. When everyone had some they all sat and began browsing through the books.
Miss Mikaela was eagerly delving into the book she had gotten. "What. the. Actual. Fuck?! 'Quilues Quivering Palm.' Holy shit, this is fucking diving right in! Listen to this!" Mikki held the book aloft and the cover showed a scantly clad dark elf woman whose hand was a bit busy down below.
"Oh Helm. Fuck me with thy divine rod! Dump thy sweet holy babies into my quivering cunt she said as she plunged her fingers into her damp and demanding cunny. King Bleyda continued to … " Mikki read from the passage. "Can you believe this! Who the hell says 'quivering cunt and then cunny in the same sentence?' Divine rod my ass. Bet you that's the stick up Manders asshole."
Aelita leaned forward with an amorous look on her face. "Just so you know, Gals don't do that as much. We prefer the …" She glanced over at Pie and Temerity. "... real deal. No quivering palm for this girl. Bring something hard and substantial to my room if you want to have some fun."
Everyone laughed, though Noc groaned. "I did not need to know that! I did not need to fucking know that! Why do you have to share something like that!"
Pippi stood up, and put her arm out and waved to get everyone's attention. "Oh wait, guys, you have to hear this one." She showed the book in her arms around. 'Plowing Virgin Fields, a Druids guide to love' was the title on the cover of the book, with no illustration. She turned to a page and began reading.
"He boinked her like crazy with his iron-hard trouser snake until he throttled her with his sizzling hot juice. His thick fuck pillar throbbed in her moist womb tomb!" Pippi paused. "There is even an exclamation point! Oh my heavenly trees. Who writes an exclamation point into an erotic scene description! That is so tacky!"
Pie shook his head. "I don't write much of that stuff, I mean depending on how much is much anyway, not too much but definitely not just a little, but that is crazy! Who does that? That is hard to even listen to? Who's gonna get hot n bothered by that?"
Aelita giggled. "I don't know, I wouldn't mind seeing a green trouser snake."
Pie blushed and then grabbed his book to try and hide the blush that was spreading to his ears. "Oh - Oh kay! My book is… 'the Hobgoblin Nob Slobbin Double Decker Pecker Wrecker.' Tymora's golden tits! This isn't helping at all! Oh well. Here goes!" He flipped it open picking a page at random.
Noc was waving his hands in a cross motion, slicing the air in front of him. "Don't you dare read that Pie! Don't read that or I'll…"
"... and his cock punched into her womb, threatening to spill his thick baby batter into her hungry cum dumpster." Pie choked out the words trying to push past the blushing and the laughter that were fighting to see which would win. "Her hot sheath … haha, … strangled his dick… fuck who writes dick in this kind of thing! Ahem. .. and her stomach bulged as his giant meat stick rearranged her guts. Oh dang, I thought dick was bad .. but … meat stick hahahaha!?"
Noc was still trying to talk over Pie, attempting to drown out the deluge of cringy carnal words.
"Just Stop! Please for the love of all that is green, please STOP fucking reading that pile of Beholder shit Pie!" The half orc growled to emphasize how serious he was.
Pie fell down giggling, and Aelita tousled his hair. "That was super cringy, but a little sexy too! You should remember some of those." She rolled the goblin over to lean against mikki's lounging form and sat up straight with her book.
"Ok I got … How to Train Your Dragonblood. Oooh I think I've read this before! It's part of a trilogy and also has 'How to Love' and 'How to Bind your Dragonblood.' One time I met another woman who'd read it and we gushed about how the two main characters get married! I told her I waited for that moment for so long, and she said her too! It was so sweet! And all the bondage scenes, I didn't see those coming, but my tits perked up for that! Anyway, let's see, what do we have in here.. Oh … I forgot it was this explicit, no wonder I liked it!" She giggled but turned back to the page in front of her.
"She was completely broken by him, her slick folds like wet petals as he jackhammered his thick Cormyrean hot dog into her built in muscle pocket. His cum pump ejected it's hot load into her Lady bits, flooding her love canal." Aelita paused. "Oh my, I forgot how it sounds like a builder wrote this!"
Temerity hung his head, shaking it, his long hair bobbing around his two curling horns. "While that is rather loquacious, it bends the plausibility of reason and is quite ludicrous in its immoderate use of unenlightened characterizations. Even a Kobold could facilitate prose on a more meaningful level."
Noc just glowered, and glared at ie for starting all this foolishness. He shrugged. "Fine Fine! You all want to play this game! I'll do it. Let us see what book the little goblin gave me. I feel like a fuckin goon bag right now. I bet it's gonna be nasty." He looked over the book he'd been given.
"Only Orcs for Me" he groaned and pounded the book against his large thigh. "Really! Really! I just had to get a racist book? Okay okay, lets see just how bad it fucking is. What kind of owlbear shit is gonna be in this troll fucking book?" He held the book up and took a deep breath. "I'm gonna regret this. I know I'm going to regret this. Ok here we fuckin go. She … she swallowed his big green elf wrecker down her hot meat trumpet. What.. let me stop right here. Right damn here! What the fuck is this? Meat Trumpet!? Elf wrecker!? Fuck this racist garbage!" He tossed the book down angrily.
Pippi piped up. "Hey! Leave owlbears out of this! They are cute and sweet and they aren't as aggressive as the stories portray them.That limp dick Volo is the reason everyone hates on Owlbears. His stupid guide's everywhere." She realized she had gotten heated and sat back. "Sorry…"
Mikaela grinned. "Naw Noc you're right. All that green is bound for a noble's daughter after all, not an elf. You already wrecked one virgin lass.You gonna keep railing her when we aren't looking or you gonna name that thing Virgin Violator and keep finding new luscious and fresh targets?" Mikki ducked as Noc retrieved the book and 'Only Orcs for Me' went flying toward the vampires head.
Temerity, who was On her other side, blocked the book before it could land. "No Mister Noc, it really isn't kind to throw things at your esteemed teammates. Even if perhaps there are comprehensible reasons for the onslaught Keep your knickers out of your quim as it were." He relaxed against Mikki again, and held up his book. "Ah, the 'Tomb of Whorers'. A genuine classic. An agglomeration of the venerable tropes that shaped early erotic inscriptions. A collection of aberrant puzzles, deceitfully titillating traps, and Libidinous Monsters. A true antecedent masterwork form Littérateur's long departed. Loviatar would arduously approve of the torments inflicted herein. Some of them in particular, I would be delighted to demonstrate if anyone would be so inclined."
Temerity began to lean back but happened to glance up and there behind them the librarian had silently come to be. It pointed to the books and then to the door.
"It does seem that our time in the Library is at an end." The teifling commented as he stood, helping Mikaela to her feet. The others rose and gathered themselves, they had shared a great laugh together.
Pie looked up at the librarian. "You want us to keep these?" The librarians ghostly face split in a horrific smile and it's head bobbed up and down in a ghastly nod. "Well, OK. I guess maybe they weren't supposed to be here anyway. We'll take them out of here for you."
Pippi picked up 'Only Orcs for Me' and offered it to Noc.
"Keep it! I don't want anything to do with that mother fuckin lewd garbage. I aint no bitch to this cringy shit!" Pippi shrugged and tucked the extra book into her cloak.
Laughing the moved to the door where they edited onto the cold quiet of the autumn night. They quietly and somberly dashed back through the streets to the inn where Brunhildy had drinks waiting and the hilarity of the cringy smut books continued to provide laughter for a while before the party members each began heading off to their rooms, some with the company of others and some without. No matter who shared who's sleeping chamber, they all had bonded over the hilarious events of the evening.
Everyone was sitting around the table after eating their dinner. Miss Brunhildy had just begun filling their after dinner drinks of choice and they were chatting away about the events of the day. Miss Mikaela was bored and contemplating all of the exposed throats around the table, her vampiric fangs glistening in the lantern light insight the Sign of the Silver Sword Inn. Miss Aelita was tugging on her long braid as she talked to the violet skinned tiefling Mister Temerity in hushed tones and the big half orc warrior Noc was trying to tell the tiny gnome Pippi that she had eaten too much.
With Mister Skye enforcing nearly martial law on the town the things that might normally have kept them occupied were unavailable. The night ahead was likely to be slow and boring. BUt Pie, the little goblin wizard, he had an idea.
"Guys! I have a great idea! You know how sitting around doing nothing is gonna be boring as Helm at an orgy and eventually Mikki is just going to drag someone in to drink and git it on and then there might actually be an orgy? So why don't we … Go to the library! I know where the naughty books are. I think we should go check them out."
"What about the curfew Mander Skye is enforcing?" Pippi asked, while bapping Nocs big thigh for his insinuations about her diet.
"Fuck Mister Skye and the four foot stick up his ass!" Pie yelled, standing on his chair and planting both hands on the table for emphasis. Miss Brunhildy's head peeked from the kitchen door at the noise and Pie sheepishly sat down while blushing and waving an apology toward the buxom dwarf woman.
"We can sneak there and get in. I know the guard."
The half orc shook his head. "No gods be damned fucking way Pie. I am not getting involved in your weird and kinky bullshit! I don't need to look at any naughty books!"
Noc was the only one in opposition though and soon the group was sneaking out of the inn and dashing from shadow to shadow down the dark streets of Berdusk, dodging Mander Skye's patrolling guards. They arrived undiscovered and when Pie knocked on the large wooden doors of the library they creaked open slowly and a guard ushered him inside. Pie handed the guard a small wrapped package.
"Just use this like the other one and I promise your wife will be bragging about riding the sycamore for hours and hours to all her friends." The guard nodded his thanks and then exited and closed the door behind them. The door opened back up a crack and the guard's head re-appeared. "Do you think she really brags about the size of my prick?" Pie gave a knowing look and nodded his head.
"Really!? That twat! I've been avoiding bragging to all the guards about her humongous rack of tiddies since I thought that stuff was supposed to stay in the bedroom. Helm on a horse!" The door closed but immediately reopened. He mimed two large spheres the size of small shields with his hands. "She has amazingly huge dinner buckets! Makes my schlong dance every time those fat fucking udders come out! Thanks lil man!" He shut the door and they waited for a moment, but it did not re-open.
They were alone in the dark library.
Well, not quite alone. The ghostly ethereal librarian drifted slowly among the bookshelves in the near dark. Pie lit a lantern and they walked over to the librarian. The librarian stopped but as usual it said nothing. It had long hair the color of shining moonlight and was androgynously beautiful It carried a ghostly staff in it's boney hands.
Noc shook his head in disbelief that they were really doing this. "Pie, if this gets me killed, I will haunt you and crush your tiny green balls daily!"
Pie waved to the apparition, and added a fresh chrysanthemum to the small vase he had left for the librarian. "Hi there! We're sneaking in some reading tonight." He lowered his voice to a whisper even though no one else but them were there. "We're going to look at the naughty books. I hope that's ok. We didn't want to bother anyone during the day while we look at those kinds of things."
The librarian nodded its head and a wide smile that cut from ear to ear spread across it's ghostly face revealing rows of razor sharp teeth. It did not point this time, and turned and resumed it's wandering of the library. Pie led the way to the section the Librarian had pointed out on their first visit.
"Over here! They showed me where but I didn't even get a chance to look at anything." He set the lantern down on a table and they all gathered round in a circle and Pie Went to the stack and began distributing some of the books. When everyone had some they all sat and began browsing through the books.
Miss Mikaela was eagerly delving into the book she had gotten. "What. the. Actual. Fuck?! 'Quilues Quivering Palm.' Holy shit, this is fucking diving right in! Listen to this!" Mikki held the book aloft and the cover showed a scantly clad dark elf woman whose hand was a bit busy down below.
"Oh Helm. Fuck me with thy divine rod! Dump thy sweet holy babies into my quivering cunt she said as she plunged her fingers into her damp and demanding cunny. King Bleyda continued to … " Mikki read from the passage. "Can you believe this! Who the hell says 'quivering cunt and then cunny in the same sentence?' Divine rod my ass. Bet you that's the stick up Manders asshole."
Aelita leaned forward with an amorous look on her face. "Just so you know, Gals don't do that as much. We prefer the …" She glanced over at Pie and Temerity. "... real deal. No quivering palm for this girl. Bring something hard and substantial to my room if you want to have some fun."
Everyone laughed, though Noc groaned. "I did not need to know that! I did not need to fucking know that! Why do you have to share something like that!"
Pippi stood up, and put her arm out and waved to get everyone's attention. "Oh wait, guys, you have to hear this one." She showed the book in her arms around. 'Plowing Virgin Fields, a Druids guide to love' was the title on the cover of the book, with no illustration. She turned to a page and began reading.
"He boinked her like crazy with his iron-hard trouser snake until he throttled her with his sizzling hot juice. His thick fuck pillar throbbed in her moist womb tomb!" Pippi paused. "There is even an exclamation point! Oh my heavenly trees. Who writes an exclamation point into an erotic scene description! That is so tacky!"
Pie shook his head. "I don't write much of that stuff, I mean depending on how much is much anyway, not too much but definitely not just a little, but that is crazy! Who does that? That is hard to even listen to? Who's gonna get hot n bothered by that?"
Aelita giggled. "I don't know, I wouldn't mind seeing a green trouser snake."
Pie blushed and then grabbed his book to try and hide the blush that was spreading to his ears. "Oh - Oh kay! My book is… 'the Hobgoblin Nob Slobbin Double Decker Pecker Wrecker.' Tymora's golden tits! This isn't helping at all! Oh well. Here goes!" He flipped it open picking a page at random.
Noc was waving his hands in a cross motion, slicing the air in front of him. "Don't you dare read that Pie! Don't read that or I'll…"
"... and his cock punched into her womb, threatening to spill his thick baby batter into her hungry cum dumpster." Pie choked out the words trying to push past the blushing and the laughter that were fighting to see which would win. "Her hot sheath … haha, … strangled his dick… fuck who writes dick in this kind of thing! Ahem. .. and her stomach bulged as his giant meat stick rearranged her guts. Oh dang, I thought dick was bad .. but … meat stick hahahaha!?"
Noc was still trying to talk over Pie, attempting to drown out the deluge of cringy carnal words.
"Just Stop! Please for the love of all that is green, please STOP fucking reading that pile of Beholder shit Pie!" The half orc growled to emphasize how serious he was.
Pie fell down giggling, and Aelita tousled his hair. "That was super cringy, but a little sexy too! You should remember some of those." She rolled the goblin over to lean against mikki's lounging form and sat up straight with her book.
"Ok I got … How to Train Your Dragonblood. Oooh I think I've read this before! It's part of a trilogy and also has 'How to Love' and 'How to Bind your Dragonblood.' One time I met another woman who'd read it and we gushed about how the two main characters get married! I told her I waited for that moment for so long, and she said her too! It was so sweet! And all the bondage scenes, I didn't see those coming, but my tits perked up for that! Anyway, let's see, what do we have in here.. Oh … I forgot it was this explicit, no wonder I liked it!" She giggled but turned back to the page in front of her.
"She was completely broken by him, her slick folds like wet petals as he jackhammered his thick Cormyrean hot dog into her built in muscle pocket. His cum pump ejected it's hot load into her Lady bits, flooding her love canal." Aelita paused. "Oh my, I forgot how it sounds like a builder wrote this!"
Temerity hung his head, shaking it, his long hair bobbing around his two curling horns. "While that is rather loquacious, it bends the plausibility of reason and is quite ludicrous in its immoderate use of unenlightened characterizations. Even a Kobold could facilitate prose on a more meaningful level."
Noc just glowered, and glared at ie for starting all this foolishness. He shrugged. "Fine Fine! You all want to play this game! I'll do it. Let us see what book the little goblin gave me. I feel like a fuckin goon bag right now. I bet it's gonna be nasty." He looked over the book he'd been given.
"Only Orcs for Me" he groaned and pounded the book against his large thigh. "Really! Really! I just had to get a racist book? Okay okay, lets see just how bad it fucking is. What kind of owlbear shit is gonna be in this troll fucking book?" He held the book up and took a deep breath. "I'm gonna regret this. I know I'm going to regret this. Ok here we fuckin go. She … she swallowed his big green elf wrecker down her hot meat trumpet. What.. let me stop right here. Right damn here! What the fuck is this? Meat Trumpet!? Elf wrecker!? Fuck this racist garbage!" He tossed the book down angrily.
Pippi piped up. "Hey! Leave owlbears out of this! They are cute and sweet and they aren't as aggressive as the stories portray them.That limp dick Volo is the reason everyone hates on Owlbears. His stupid guide's everywhere." She realized she had gotten heated and sat back. "Sorry…"
Mikaela grinned. "Naw Noc you're right. All that green is bound for a noble's daughter after all, not an elf. You already wrecked one virgin lass.You gonna keep railing her when we aren't looking or you gonna name that thing Virgin Violator and keep finding new luscious and fresh targets?" Mikki ducked as Noc retrieved the book and 'Only Orcs for Me' went flying toward the vampires head.
Temerity, who was On her other side, blocked the book before it could land. "No Mister Noc, it really isn't kind to throw things at your esteemed teammates. Even if perhaps there are comprehensible reasons for the onslaught Keep your knickers out of your quim as it were." He relaxed against Mikki again, and held up his book. "Ah, the 'Tomb of Whorers'. A genuine classic. An agglomeration of the venerable tropes that shaped early erotic inscriptions. A collection of aberrant puzzles, deceitfully titillating traps, and Libidinous Monsters. A true antecedent masterwork form Littérateur's long departed. Loviatar would arduously approve of the torments inflicted herein. Some of them in particular, I would be delighted to demonstrate if anyone would be so inclined."
Temerity began to lean back but happened to glance up and there behind them the librarian had silently come to be. It pointed to the books and then to the door.
"It does seem that our time in the Library is at an end." The teifling commented as he stood, helping Mikaela to her feet. The others rose and gathered themselves, they had shared a great laugh together.
Pie looked up at the librarian. "You want us to keep these?" The librarians ghostly face split in a horrific smile and it's head bobbed up and down in a ghastly nod. "Well, OK. I guess maybe they weren't supposed to be here anyway. We'll take them out of here for you."
Pippi picked up 'Only Orcs for Me' and offered it to Noc.
"Keep it! I don't want anything to do with that mother fuckin lewd garbage. I aint no bitch to this cringy shit!" Pippi shrugged and tucked the extra book into her cloak.
Laughing the moved to the door where they edited onto the cold quiet of the autumn night. They quietly and somberly dashed back through the streets to the inn where Brunhildy had drinks waiting and the hilarity of the cringy smut books continued to provide laughter for a while before the party members each began heading off to their rooms, some with the company of others and some without. No matter who shared who's sleeping chamber, they all had bonded over the hilarious events of the evening.
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