We're Off To See The Wisard

[WhatISeemIAm]

There are other worlds. Other places. Access to them is limited though, and traversal occurs in unpredictable ways so their existence may not be scientific, but whether as a result of weather, slipping through a K-hole, severe concussion, etc, one can visit. Much as a blonde Ohioan farm girl named Julie is about to. The story that comes after is no less real than your own life, and that is not being said in an effort to buoy up the credentials of an absurd tale by comparing it to your life. For one thing the story you tell yourself which you call your real life is doubtless all over the damn place, while this one makes perfect sense.

Julie had evidently been driving when the transition occurred which is fairly typical in these instances, and makes perfect sense. It was as if her car had been directed over a cliff, and had landed elsewhere. That being a picturesque and colourful village with diminutive domiciles not large enough for human habitation. The girl had a dog that was already awake and operating at peak efficiency, as they tend to when not dead or asleep. Well it was a dog by temperament. Here it was less a dog by appearance as it appeared as if a disembodied hand, roughly the size of a person, was operating a crude dog like sock-puppet. This arrangement could have been unsettling but the hand was far too committed to acting like a friendly dog to be a concern.

It was sniffing at a sizable black bat that its owner's car had landed on. Then it started whining at a jet of water that bubbled out of a nearby fountain.

'OK, doggie,' vivid blue eyes blinked confusedly as Julie prised herself from the driver's seat and glanced at her dog, 'I don't think we're in Ohio anymore,' the girl remarked upon reviewing the landscape.

'No, I'm afraid you couldn't be. Ohio was banned here centuries ago.' A lovely, musical voice called from a nearby fountain.

Water bubbled up from the surface, and artfully took the shape of a pretty young woman with the tail of a fish.

'Welcome to the New Community, my dear, in the Land of Auz. Might I ask whether you're a good Authority, or a bad one?'

'Huh? I don't think I'm any kind of authority,'

'Is this the Authority then?' The translucent mermaid gestured at a the young ladies dog who sat up, thrilled to be regarded.

'Doggie? That's my pet.'

'Well, I was told a new Authority had arrived in our community, and had dropped a car on the Wicked Authority of the East,' the unusual Mermaid seemed at a loss.

'I don't remember doing that-' Julie glanced at the wreck, 'but who told you?'

'The Bin Chickens. This is their land,'

Several nearby honks of affirmation sounded with this as Bin Chickens began leaving their small homes. Apparently the mermaid's presence set them at ease enough to come out, and they were soon crowding about the newcomer.

'And I suspect you'll be a hero here now the Wicked Authority is dead,' the newcomer went on.

'S'right,' one of the Bin Chickens spoke up. 'Yer a bit of a legendary cunt now.'

'I see,' Julie responded, 'Might I ask who you are?'

'I'm the Good Authority of the North,' Liv responded beneficently, evidently pleased with her title, 'I'm also the pretty authority,' she added in a much softer, yet more pleased-with-herself voice.

'Oh, well, uhm, do you know how I can get back to Ohio in that case?'

'I'm not certain that's possible. You'd have to ask the Wisard to unban it, but first-' Liv did something evidently magical as a blue badge formerly adorning the Wicked Authority of the East was transfixed to Julie's chest, 'this belongs to you now, since you vanquished the wicked authority. Now I imagine you'll want to see the Wisard,'

'Where can I find this Wisard?'

'I thought everyone knew? The Wisard very famously lives in the Blackboard City. To get there you merely follow the Breakfast Cracker Paved road,' Liv gestured at that very road, which ran through the Bin Chicken village.

They all seemed eager to see the young lady off with that. Wishing her the best, and many seemed content to traipse along side her to the edge of the village. The happy procession's progress was put an end to however and the Bin Chickens were scattered by a great, oily black plume of smoke coming up out of the ground alongside a flash of flame and heat. The swirling smoke rolled aside to reveal a glowering green beast. It couldn't have been a Goomy for copyright reasons, but it certainly looked Goomy-adjacent. Save that it had arms. One one which held a folded chair.

'God damn it. What is going on here?' The creature's exasperated gaze swept the crowd, and the tone was a long-suffering one. 'I heard someone killed the Authority of the East. I will lose it if any of you shits touched her Blue Badge I swear to god. Wait-' the Goomy-adjacent creature fixed its attention on Julie, '-you. Did you kill the Authority of the East, bish?'

'It was an a accident.'

'Oh, right. Well maybe I'll cause some accidents, and-' the Wicked Authorities eyes widened suddenly as she recognised the Blue Badge mid-reply, '-that's mine. Hand it over bish.'

'You musn't do as she says,' The Good Authority weighed in urgently, 'that badge is all that can protect you from their evil spells,'

'You mind your business, Liv. I'm happy to deal with both of you right now,'

'Hah, not in Bin Chicken land. You've no power here. Begone.'

'Fine. I'll bide my time. Just you wait though.' The Wicked Authority turned to Julie, 'As for you, I'll get you my pretty, and your little-' she glanced at Doggie confusedly, '-whatever the hell that thing is, too.'

As the literal smoke cleared, and the Bin Chickens came out of hiding Julie was bid good luck. Given warnings about the Wicked Authority, and told she must never remove the Blue Badge. Thus she set off down the Breakfast Cracker paved Road, and soon the Bin Chicken village could no longer be seen over shoulder. She went on walking though, wanting more than anything to be back at home in Ohio, and after what seemed like miles she found herself approaching a large brick building. The ostentatious entrance was wide open and Julie felt it might be prudent to head inside and make certain she was on the right path. The interior wasn't like anything they had in Ohio. It was something like a tiny Mall, albeit one with very sedate décor, yet it only contained books. All manner of them piled high on lines of shelves. Julie overheard bickering not long after she had begun exploring, and soon came upon a pair of ghosts. Apparently the low-effort Halloween costumes had them dead to rights all along, and so it appeared as if two people had simply been draped in white sheets, although there was no controversial pointiness at the top, yet the sheets contained nothing, and appeared to be floating.

'I'm not loaning you anything. You don't exist.' Someone had silently spoken these words directly into Julie's brain.

Someone impatient.

'Yeah, well if we don't exist how come we're here?' One of the ghosts rejoined.

It was talking to a fish tank on the front desk. There was a carp finning water within.

'That's right you crazy Carptub. Besides, if we don't have books to turn how else are we going to stay warm?' The second ghost weighed in.

'If my name was Dominic I'd live my life a quarter mile at a time. Conversations like this would be tolerable to me. We could have even been friends.' There was no visible clue as to who this voice that went direct-to-brain was coming from, but Julie felt certain it was the carp, or Carptub. 'Fate was indiscriminate however. Now get out.'

'Fine.' The ghosts both had their invisible arms full of books which they weren't re-shelving, 'We're taking these though!'

Julie watched them run, and heard the Carptub issuing frustrated threats at their turned heels.

'If only I could get out of this tank,' it muttered mentally.

'I could help you out,' Julie said. 'Where would I put you though?'

'In my tub,' It motioned toward a copper vessel on the floor and Julie stood on her toes to see it over the desk. 'The Frumious Degusaur took me out to clean it, but had to leave due to a suddenly rodent emergency. I've been stuck in here ever since.'

'Alright, give me a moment and I'll try to pour your tank into the tub,' Julie was already looking for a way to get behind the desk.

What followed was a precarious affair, but the scrawny farm girl ultimately managed to upend the Carptub's tank so that its contents, and their passenger poured into the tub.

'Much better, now I can move about.' The tub rose off the floor as if by magic with this remark. 'I should go after those ghosts-' it turned partly, '-but, ah, what's the use? I could never convince them they don't exist.'

'Why not?' Julie asked.

'I don't have a brain.' The Carptub spoke a little wistfully.

'But you can move, and talk, and-'

'-Well, yes, of course. I was given something much like a brain that lets me talk without speaking, and move things about with my mind, but the maker had to remove my brain to make room for it. So I simply lack the critical faculties to convince anyone of anything.'

'Oh, that's terrible. Do you think The Wisard could help? I'm going to see him myself, I need him to unban Ohio so I can go home.'

'If I could think I might very well. I've heard he is a wonderful Wisard.'

'Let's go see him together then!' Julie couldn't contain her excitement at the thought of gaining a travelling companion.

'I've never been on a trip to see a Wisard,' the Carptub admitted, 'that's my vibe, I guess? The don't-invite-it-on-a-trip-to-see-the-wisard vibe. So yeah, let's go.'


A long way along from the library. Much further down the Breakfast Cracker Paved Road. Julie felt her stomach protesting as she walked lightly alongside the floating tub-bound fish. She hadn't eaten since some time before leaving Ohio.

'Obviously I tried to tell them that duct taping a radio to a car battery doesn't make it a neutrino detector,' the Carptub seemed to be in the midst of some anecdote, 'but there is no reasoning with some people.'

'I suppose so,' Julie agreed. 'Apologies for changing the subject, but Carptub, do you know what people in Auz eat, and where they get it?'

'It depends on the creature. The Crab-eating fox, for example-'

'-Eats crabs?' Julie interjected.

'Has a varied diet. Though most of us are content with beer and breakfast crackers.'

'You can't mean that you eat them off the road?'

'No!' the fish baulked, 'Don't be absurd, these are construction grade. Not for eating. I'm sure we'll happen on some food grade cracker shrubs or beer trees though if we keep walking.'

The Carptub's confidence turned out to have been well founded. They had only gone around one bend of the road, and over a small rise when a copse of Beer Trees came into view up ahead. Julie was on the verge of picking a can from one when a loutish voice called down from amid the leaves above.

'Oi, s'our beer ya dopey shiela.' This came from a grey, bear-like creature. 'Get outta here ya goons.'

'Ah, Tree Bogans.' The Carptub observed dispassionately.

'Sorry?' Julie questioned as they backed away from the tree.

'I'll take care of this. Just be ready to catch, or avoid beer cans.' Her companion said, 'Fine!' The Carptub went on, 'we don't care for beer anyway.'

There was a rumbling of broadly accented discontent from within the tops of all the nearby trees.

'Yes, don't mind me. I merely disparage the things you like, and laugh at all you value.'

This was enough. There were loud calls, exhortations for the newcomers to leave, and the first beer can soared toward them a moment later followed by a smattering of further such missiles. Luckily they avoided them all. Unfortunately the pair were on a slope, and the cans themselves went rolling away even as Julie attempted to gather a few. She was hunting about towards the bottom of the slope when she stumbled upon something hidden in a tuft of grass beneath the trees.

'Hey,' the girl held up what looked like an old-fashioned magic Eight Ball, although this one was a dark purple, 'we have these in Ohio.'

'You have Sageballs in Ohio?'

'Well, I think we have them, but we don't call them that,' Julie held up the ball, 'How far are we from Blackboard City?' She queried before turning it over, but no words appeared.

'Check the batteries,' the Carptub suggested.

They did, and to her surprise Julie found the batteries had been placed incorrectly. She removed one, and turned it around before replacing it. Now there are no sarcastic fonts in your reality, and this makes me so happy for you. This story takes place in The New Community however and sensible things exist there. Thus the Eight Ball's response was rendered in what everyone in The New Community recognised was a sarcastic font.

'Oh, goodie. Self-awareness.' It read. 'Someone must have replaced the batteries. My hero. Also, please don't shake the Sageball.'

'I'm sorry. How did you end up out here?'

The Ball displayed one of these: ¯\(°_o)/¯ then a sigh when it became clear this would not be sufficient.

'I guess one of my predictions annoyed someone?' It read. 'I predict it will not be the last time that happens.'

'Oh, well I'm glad you're OK now.' The girl replied.

'OK now? Oh, sure. I don't even have a heart, but I guess I'm fine.'

'Lucky,' the Carptub chimed in. 'They're more trouble than they're worth.'

'Well, the two of us are going to see the Wisard in the Blackboard City. I'm hoping to get Ohio unbanned, and my friend here is going to ask for a brain. Why don't you join us, and see if the Wisard will give you a heart?'

'Pft, he can't give me a heart.' The Sageball responded swiftly.

'You don't know that for certain.'

(¬_¬) was all she received in response, and then, after a moment, 'well, I guess someone sensible should probably tag-along to keep an eye on you two. I mean I don't actually wanna get a heart from the Wisard or anything,'

'That's wonderful,' Julie hugged the Sageball excitedly.

No one got to see the ( ^o^)/ as their attention was drawn at once by a puff of smoke and a flicker of fire the likes of which the Ohioan girl recognised worriedly from Bin Chicken Land. The Wicked Authority was back.

'I see how it is,' the Goomy-like thing glowered at the trio, 'the two of you aligning with this badge-thieving outsider. How dare. None of you will ever make it to the Blackboard City though, I promise you. Carptub, I will feed you to my cats, and as for you, Sageball I'll donate you to a bowling alley. Now, how about a little Hagfish slime, Tubs?'

The Carptub took fright as the Wicked Authority magically hurled a mass of slime at the open topped tub. The fraught fracas that followed was all focused on getting it out so the panicked Carp could breath again, and all the while the Goomy cackled, gleefull, even as it disappeared amid another plume of smoke and fire.

'Rude.' The Sageball read.

'Well, thank you, Julie,' the Carptub was clearly rattled yet relieved.

'That was my fault,' she spoke guiltily, 'I should have warned you both about the Wicked Authority,'

'Never mind.' The first of her companions re-joined firmly, 'now I'd go to Blackboard City just to spite her even if there was no Wisard.'

'Me too,' the Sageball agreed, 'I'm not afraid of some off-brand Pokemon. Bish will catch these hands if she messes with my friends again.'

'Oh,' Julie was overwhelmed, 'you two are about the nicest folks I've ever met. Let's get on then. The sooner we start the sooner we get to the Blackboard City.'

She was correct, but the trio still had some travelling to do, and on a road that took them through a forest. Dark and full of gloom.

'The real difficulty in faster than light space-travel is acceleration. It's interesting to think that depending on the mechanics of the hypothetical solutions it is reasonable to conclude that we could find shorter trips actually taking longer.' The Carptub might have continued on this topic, the anecdote having been well received up to that point, but it realised its companions were distracted by their ominous surroundings. 'I wonder what lives in this forest,'

'It's probably full of cool people who want to be our friends.' The Sageball's sarcastic font had returned.

'Let's just keep walking,' Julie's attention was clearly, and nervously all about which saw her speak slowly, 'we'll get out of here as soon as we can.'

'I predict we're about to be jump-scared. It will be lame if that actually happens.' The Sageball read.

Something had to lean over Julie's shoulder to read along. Which was fine. As whatever the large, dark animal was it was very large.

'Good thing I don't jump,' it said.

The trio jumped though. The Carptub doing so with a slight splash. All of them whirling about to face the terrible beast behind them. The basic outline was comparable to a partially melted donkey at that moment although it seemed happy to use its forelimbs like arms even if it generally walked on them. It was formed of a fusion of things; socks, certainly, and hoodies as well, but blankets could also be seen. All components of the larger organism whose efforts to take on a concrete appearance always collapsed into languid nihilism.

'T-t-that's a Praxisite!' The Carptub was alarmed. 'Don't eat me,' it baulked, 'I'm from the Atlantic. I cause depression!'

'Bummer,' the Praxicite responded in a surprisingly mellow tone.

'Sorry?' It was met with surprise.

'It's a bummer, man. Being depressed. I know,'

'You're depressed?' The Carptub's fear was slipping away.

The same was true of Julie, while the Sageball seemed nonchalant about the encounter.

'Anyone would be depressed if they had no courage.' The Praxicite observed.

'How does someone with no courage live in this terrifying forest?' Julie asked.

'It's actually perfect though, all the stuff I'm afraid of is typically too scared to come in here.'

'How come you don't have courage, though?' The Carptub weighed in.

'I don't know. I have no reason to be as maladjusted as I am.'

Julie appeared to have had an idea which was buoying up her mood.

'Why not come with us?' She enquired enthusiastically, 'we're going to the Blackboard City to see the Wisard. Tub here wants to ask for a brain, Sage for a heart, and I want to ask him to unban Ohio so I can go home. You could for some courage.'

'I went to Blackboard City once.' The Praxicite did not seem too optimistic, 'day trip. Saw the Hagfish ponds, and the Cheesecake factory. I remember some stuff. Still, though, me? Asking the Wisard for courage?'

'What have you got to lose?'

'It would be nice to see the sky again,' the creature observed, 'I'd even take a realistically painted sky at this point.'

'So we're off?' Julie seemed very pleased to have acquired a new travelling companion.

And so they were, all of them, off to see the Wisard, and the atmosphere had lightened now that they knew how empty the Praxicite's forest was. The four of them, with doggie in tow, set a jaunty pace and soon excitement occurred as they came to the edge of the forest, and saw the Blackboard City in the distance.

'We're almost there!' Julie called out happily.

She was correct. The line of the yellowish Breakfast Cracker road ran on out of the forest, and through a pleasant, grassy meadow to the the Blackboard City. Perhaps close enough that they could run the last stretch. Most of Julie's companions did not seem to be the jogging types though, and they continued at steady a walking pace.

'Well, we're out of the woods,' the Praxicite observed. 'We're out of the dark, and was there anything else bad we were stuck in?'

'I predict we'll be at the Blackboard City soon.' Sage declared.

'We can all see that already,' Tub responded, 'Why even predict something so obvious?'

''Cuz I do want I want.' one of these was included in the remark: (⌐■_■) 'And I predict that you will have to deal.'

'On second thought let's not go to Blackboard City,' the Praxicite stopped, ''tis a silly place.'

This sort of light banter continued as they walked along the last stretch, and the Blackboard City drew ever closer. Slowly sliding into the foreground, and occluding all else.

'Should we knock?' Julie asked.

'Yeah, I'll knock.' Sage volunteered.

There was a moment of expectant silence.

'I just knocked. In my imagination. Which is the only place I have hands. You weren't expecting me to knock in the real world were you?'

'I don't have hands and I could have knocked.' The Carptub responded smugly.

'Well, I'm not a telekinetic carp.' Sage responded.

'I'll knock,' Julie volunteered.

The back-and-forth ceased as the girl stepped closer to the large, barred doors, and wrapped her hands around a knocker. The reverberating clunk kept them company in the otherwise silent seconds that followed before a little door in the larger door was opened, and a head poked out.

'Why are these sussy ops always trying to get in the Blackboard City?' The door ward was evidently a Zoomlet, 'Bro, this server is full.'

For anyone who doesn't know a Zoomlet is a creature of near-human intelligence that looks like a large, bipedal rat as imagined by Sanrio. The Carptub, who already knew this, floated closer to the door.

'Don't worry, I speak the language.' It assured the others before inclining itself toward the open portal in the door, 'Is this kid serious, chat? Skull emoji. Can't you see how much aura we have? Look-' Tub gestured towards Julie, 'it's the actual Ohioan Sigma who sent the Wicked Authority of the East back to spawn Island with zero matts. Look at the Blue Badge. You don't get loot like that off bots. She wants to see the Wisard.'

'Oh deadass. Not this skibidi fish singing the song of my people.' The Zoomlet responded, 'respectfully though you looked like hobos or something, but I guess I lowkey fucked up, and should let you in.'

'Sure, but we're not here to mog on you little bro. Just put the fries in the bag and it's all good.'

'I got you, fam.'

The Zoomlet did in fact get them. Opening the doors, and inviting the group into the Blackboard City. Where it was quickly decided that they should allow their Praxicite friend to lead them about and give them a tour of the local attractions. They hadn't been about it very long though when the local Zoomlets became alarmed, and there was a hullabaloo. The source: the Wicked Authority atop its folding chair, flying in the skies above Blackboard City with a distant cackle. It left a trail in its wake that spelled out the words:

Give Me the Ohioan

With this Fait Accompli the locals were left faffing about fearfully, and soon an emissary of the Wisard was bustling the newcomers toward his tower at the centre of the city. Insisting they see him at once. They found themselves in a foreboding antechamber and moved into a brooding hall. All ominous.

'I predict that some of you are about to be scared,' Sage read as the group treaded on towards the Wisard's sanctum.

'About to be?' The Praxicite gulped.

'Who approaches the great and powerful Wisard?' A voice boomed amid an impressively pyrotechnical apparition

A fearsome, fiery face was formed which frowned at the four, and their little dog as well.

'I'm Julie from Ohio, Mister Wisard,' the young woman spoke up bravely, 'and I've come an awfully long way to ask-'

'Silence! The Wisard knows why you've come, you obdurate Ohioan, and would gladly do as you wish for any of his friends. You jerks have to pay though! You, you bothersomely bourgoise beast of the bathypelagic, daring to ask for a brain!'

The Carptub seemed almost pleased with this description. If only because one doesn't pay that much for a tub without wanting people to notice.

'And you, you insouciant, insufferably spherical and sarcastic Sage! Pretending not to want to ask for a heart.'

( ^o^)+ was all it got in response.

'And let's not forget the purposefully impertinent and pernickety, perpetually petrified Praxicite, here in need of some nerve!'

Prax came over conceited.

'I'm clearly favoured.' It said, 'I got six.'

'You all get nothing. Unless someone brings me the chair of the Wicked Authority of the West.'

'We'd have to pry it from its cold, dead hands.' The Carptub observed.

'Which is a metal as heck way to take stuff.' The Praxicite added.

'None of which is my concern. The Wisard has spoken. Now begone!'

Having in fact spoken a number of Zoomlets appeared insisting they would indeed have to be gone. Yeeted in fact. That they could only return to the city with the Wicked Authorities chair in-hand. They were outside the city gates where all seemed ready to venture off in the direction of the wicked one's castle when Julie suddenly bade everyone stop.

'I have to do this to get home.' She said. 'None of you need to come with me.'

I know, but I actually do want a brain,' Tub responded. 'Plus I don't have enough intelligent, chaotic neutral females in my life. So I'd go with you people either way.'

'I was only going to make sure you chumps don't get into too much trouble on your own, and since you all still seem like chumps to me I guess I'm stuck with you.' Sage read.

'I'm wary, but we might as well go meet the locals.' The Praxicite weighed in last, 'maybe get into wacky adventures. Hopefully we don't end up having to kill anyone, but business is business.'

Julie was overwhelmed by their responses.

'Oh, Tub, Sage, Prax, you're the best friends an Ohioan farm-girl ever had,' the young woman gushed.

So they set off together. The route being a walk down unremarkable roads. At least until they began to draw nearer to the Wicked Authorities castle. Their first clue something had gone wrong was the sound of Doggie whining. Not long after that they saw the ghosts. An entire armada of them floating along in the sky coming from the direction of the castle.

'I'm not sure I like the look of this,' the Praxicite observed warily.

That was when the group was descended upon. Tub's tub was tipped over, but thankfully the fish was spilled into a nearby pond. Julie called out an apology to Sage as she dropped the ball while fleeing. Only to be caught and swept off into the sky by a pair of ghosts. Doggie was next. Grabbed while jumping skyward and producing whiny barks. The Praxicite warded off a few ghosts by vomiting poorly laundered socks at them, and was left standing alone as they flew away.

'Bummer,' it intoned calmly.

'How come they left you alone?' the Carptub called grumpily from the pond as Prax retrieved their upturned tub.

'Probably just luck, you could go crazy trying to figure out the math.' With the Praxicite's help Tub was back on their proverbial feet in a moment or two.

The pair then set about looking for Sage who had rolled off somewhere.

'This is great,' it read when they found it, 'nobody pick me up or anything I'm getting to like it down here.'

'Well, there's no gaining your dignity back after that.' Tub declared. 'All we have now is revenge.'

'You ever had a day old Taco?' The Praxicite asked, it's voice determined. 'It's not even a taco anymore. I say we feed the Wicked Authority a day old taco.'

'I predict we will do worse than that,' Sage stated.

The trio set off.

It was a good thing they had as well. As things were looking bleak for Julie who was quickly carried back to the Wicked Authorities castle, and corraled into single, secure room in one of its towers. There at last she found herself aghast as the Goomy entered the gloomy room, flanked by ghosts, and glowered.

'I can't decide. Either I stab you, or I beat you with this chair.' It announced, while brandishing the chair, 'or you could give me my Blue Badge.'

'But the Good Authority said-' Julie began.

'I don't wanna hear it, bish.' The Wicked Authority cut her off.

'Why are you so awful?' The girl protested.

'Because I can be. Suffer.' It gestured back at a struggling sack held by its ghostly minions, 'now I'll have your ghastly little pet tossed in the moat and laugh about it.'

'Not doggie,' Julie whined.

'Or you can give me my badge.' The Wicked Authority's victim silently signed that it could take the badge. 'Ouch!' The Goomy gasped as a mystical force burnt its greedily grasping fingers.

Evidently the Blue Badge could not be taken so easily. The Wicked Authority squinted thoughtfully at its captive, while rubbing the tips of its burnt fingers together in frustration.

'I am a sweetheart, I swear. It's just that right now I'm really pissed off, and I'm going to take it out on you as soon as I-' It began.

The struggling guards grasping the shifting sack containing Doggie were now in a shemozzle centred on the squirming sackbound creature. Which soon slipped free of their fingers and leapt clear of the pair.

'-Grab it!' The Wicked Authority ordered as the dog darted away, 'seize it, you fools!'

A frantic chase ensued, and for a moment Julie was all but forgotten. Free to follow, and watch as her pet outpaced the guards and and fled.

'Useless minions,' her captor grumbled when it became clear the dog would escape. 'Go catch that creature if you value your sheets-!' It rounded on Julie with this, '-As for you, my dear, did you know humans are perfect for making into Taco salad? Dammit, now I gotta get the stuff for tacos.'

With that poor Julie was unceremoniously escorted back to the dour room in the tower to wait on her taco-y fate. So there isn't much to tell of her for now. Save that it was a good thing her friends were on the way.


Her friends were on the way at that.

'I tried to explain that this is all normal in late-stage Carpitalism, but you know nobody really wants to hear it.' Tub was concluding another of their celebrated anecdotes to pass the time as they walked.

'Their minds can't take in problems of that scale.' Prax seemed to sympathise.

The Praxicite had taken to carrying Sage in the folded hood of a black hoodie. It was the only one who had noticed the ominous nature of the eerie wood into which they were walking.

'Outlook not so good.' It read.

The trio had reached a rise over which the Wicked Authorities evil castle could be seen in the distance.

'I just realised,' the Praxicite spoke up, 'they probably have a dress code at the castle, and I didn't bring a hat.'

It was a quarter of the way through a shame-ridden turn when it felt its companions guilt-inducing gazes boring into it and turned back.

'Jeez, don't make me feel too awful.' It griped gently.

The trio trudged on. Until up ahead they saw two specks. One became doggie. The other a lone ghost in pursuit of the fleeing creature.

'That gives me an idea.' Tub intoned. 'Let's get off the road.'

Prax was unimpressed by the plan the Carptub proposed. Mainly because as the only creature there with limbs the execution of that plan fell entirely on its shoulders, and the Praxicite did not even have shoulders much of the time. There was no time to bicker about it though.


Some time later by a side-door that lead into the kitchens of the Wicked Authorities castle a new ghost was attempting to deliver some produce.

'Why is the fish alive?' One of the guards asked as both it, and its companion looked suspiciously at the large tub with its piscatory passenger.

'It's a carp,' the new ghost, who was actually the disguised Praxicite, told them. 'It's a tasty fish, I have nothing against it, but it's supposedly filled with impurities. So you buy them live.'

'Oh,' The two guards did not seem entirely convinced. 'I suppose there will be hell to pay if the boss wants fish, and doesn't get fish though.'

'I thought they were making Taco salad,' its colleague said. 'Maybe fish tacos?'

'Yeah,' the first guard had no arguments, 'I guess you should take it inside.'

It did not take them long to move through the busy kitchen and soon they were winding their way through the castle's corridors.

'Damn, are we that awesome?' the Sageball read as they looked for stairs, 'All signs point to yes.'

'I want to know who told you Carp are full of impurities.' Tub did not seem pleased with this apparent slander.

'Someone important,' the Praxicite responded vaguely, 'I think it was a general.'

It wasn't long before the trio found the tower where Julie was trapped, and for a brief time their relief at being four once more overwhelmed their caution. All was gushing, hugs and good cheer. Reality never spared them more than a minute however and how they ran when they remembered where they were. They scampered madly down the spiral stairwell, but had scarcely reached the bottom when it became clear the alarm had gone up. All they had left was to make a frantic dash and to hope for the best.

Unsurprisingly the frantic dash did not work, and Prax, Tub, Julie, Sage and Doggie all found themselves trapped. Cornered by the Wicked Authority's guards. Unable to do anything at all as the Goomy itself came to gloat.

'I've had it with you shits,' it grumbled, 'I swear to God you're all in for it. You, Carp, where did we leave off last time? Oh yes, Hagfish slime!'

Now just as it had before the Wicked Authority magically blasted a jet of slime into Tub's tub, and as before the fish's friends were frantically eager to assist. Julie even inadvertantly splashed the forgotten Goomy with saltwater as she attempted to bail the slime out of the tub.

This elicited an ear-piercing shriek.

'You cursed brat!' The Wicked Authority howled, looking down aghast at the spot where it had been splashed, 'look what you've done? I'm melting!'

And that was in fact what happened. It was messy, loud and traumatic enough that it may be best not to go into detail about the process though. They had no trouble with the Wicked Authority's guards either once their boss had melted away. The ghosts were glad to be rid of her, and were more than happy for Julie to take their former boss' chair back to the Wisard.

'Just as I predicted.' Sage read.

'Mhm, business is business.' The Praxicite added as Julie stepped into the mess to retrieve said chair.

'All's chair in love and war.' The Carptub had waited to go last.


With the Wicked Authority vanquished the journey back to the Blackboard City proved both safe, and swift. So soon once more it was their lot to pass foreboding doors and pace along the brooding halls that lead to the Wisard's sanctum. Where once more they faced the frightening apparition that appeared there.

'So you've returned.' It boomed.

'Yes, Mister Wisard, and I've brought the chair of the Wicked Authority of the West, just as you asked.'

'Excellent. So you've taken care of that ghastly Goomy.' It's voice had softened a little.

'And will you help us now?' Julie asked.

'The solution to such problems requires great thought. Go away for now. You will be summoned when the time is right.' The Wisard answered dismissively.

'Aw,' the girl whined, 'but I wanna go home now!'

'Yeah, send her home you jerk.' The Sageball weighed in.

'Silence!' The Wisard boomed back.

Amid the fuss of this back and forth Doggie was whining and pawing at a blue tarp stretched out across the floor. It caught a corner in its jaws and pulled.

'Halt that at once, meddling with the tarp is banned in the New Community!' The Wisard's voice was not as self-assured as it had been, 'Pay no attention to the creature in the hole in the ground!' There were two voices now as the tarp was drawn back.

All were watching as the true Wisard was revealed. It was a kind of room temperature snowman who sniffed far too frequently.

'Oh, lame,' it intoned, downcast, 'you can see? This is stupid. I hate it here.'

'You're a phony,' Tub declared.

'Yeah,' it conceded, 'a bit.'

'What about the things you promised my friends?' Sage read.

'Yeah, I don't know. Look-' it held out something like a watch. '-I just used this to do all the stuff I did. You want to try it? Knock yourselves out.' Julie took the watch.

It was passed about and inspected. The Carptub insisted they could get to the bottom of it, and everyone went quiet for a moment. A silence interupted by a loud, cheerful beep coming from the watch.

'I see,' Tub intoned comprehendingly, 'so your autonomy switches were all tripped somehow.'

More beeps.

'And the Wisard used you to stop people eating chicken. Among other things,'

'Sue me for wanting a better world,' the former-Wisard remarked shamelessly.

A single, sharper beep.

'Oh yes, I should introduce you to the others. Everyone, this is Soapy. An alien AI housed in a hyper-advanced Satellite currently orbiting the planet.'

'Wow,' Julie looked up, 'can you get me back to Ohio?'

There was an affirmative beep.

'Hold on, what about my friends?!' Sage read, 'Someone owes Tub some brains, and Prax some courage,'

Soapy beeped at Sage for a moment. If it were possible for a Sageball to appear flustered then it currently did.

'OK, fair point. I guess I do already have one. Just don't go telling everyone, OK?' It responded.

More beeps were directed at the Carptub.

'Yes,' it responded, 'perhaps viewing intelligence as a zero sum game was impractical. I suppose I am actually rather brilliant.'

The Praxicite was addressed next. A few beeps.

'That's reasonable. We do in fact live in a society.' It replied, 'and I suppose I am rather brave.'

Julie beamed at her friends before looking up once again.

'How can we ever thank you, Soapy?' She asked.

A few, slightly more rushed beeps responded.

'Wait, five seconds?!' Julie baulked before turning to the others, 'but I haven't even said goodbye to my friends!'

More rushed beeps. As if the satellite were encouraging her to do just that in the time she had left.

'Oh, goodbye, Tub!' The farm girl gushed. 'Prax, Sage, Soapy, everyone! I'll miss you all terribly!'

She would. None of them even got to respond. There are other worlds after all. Other places, but access to them is limited and traversal occurs in unpredictable ways. So it was possible Julie might return to Auz some day, and see her friends once more. It was also possible they might meet somewhere else entirely. Someday it will be written about. Need caffeine first though. So tired.