"Geez another interview with a va-.." (vamp grabs mic) "Enough already, This is an Interview BY a vampire! Fangs Krim with the Blooddependant here. Today, amidst this sea of fucking pasty ass sanguine freaks, i'm here to interview someone who is not a vampire".
The camera pans to show a little green skinned goblin sitting in a chair. A wild black mohawk tops his head. His eyes are yellow with red pupils and a big smile filled with tiny sharp teen fill his mouth.
He is wearing a red vest with many many pockets, a dark rad cloak and some brown breeches. His feet are bare save for a wrap that goes around part of them and his ankles and lower leg. He waves happily when he sees the camera pan to him even though he doesn't know what a camera is.
"Today folks we are talking to a goblin from a game called Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah the one your mom said would steal your soul and force you to make a pact with the devil. That's the one. Lets begin shall we? Hello there and welcome to Interviews BY a Vampire!! Can you state your name and tell us a little bit about yourself?"
"Hi My name is Pie! Pie Spiderfoot! I come from a fishy loggy village in a country that is mostly elfs but at the north end on a giant lake is where the Spiderfoot goblins live. Uhm, My dads name is Pook and my mom's name is Kayke. My dad always jokes that I was named so he could have his Kayke and Pie. I was supposed to be a loggy person, but I am really weak, and I was never good at sawing or hauling or cutting any of the loggy bits. "
The goblin shifts in the chair and adjusts his many pocketed vest. The vampire motions for him to go on.
"Anyway. Uh… I got tricked by a creature from the Fae Realm and had to be her slave for a hole year and a day. And a DAY! NEVER tell a fae THANK YOU! They will totally take your life away and make you carry their things, and do their laundry, and spy on the funny season elfs when they find out you understand elfs tongue. So uh after that I was helping this lady of dreams druid and a monster got stuck inside my head and it was going berserk for a long time. I got thrown into a loggy work prison camp and I met my friend Fitz, he's a kobold, and eventually I got out of there. Then I met someone who helped me get the monster under control, and now I'm training to be a wizard!"
The goblins toothy smile is sweet and wide and genuine.
"That's a wonderful story. Absolutely no erotic bites, compelled night walking, or tragic deaths. Way to go my little friend! Let's shift gears. What's your favorite food? I'm sure our listeners and readers are tired of hearing that one blood type tastes better than others, or the taste changes if you drink lots of pineapple juice."
"Oh, I like all kinds of things. Let's see .. Oh the Burbur berries are in season in the Fae Marches right now! Have you had those? No? Well they taste like a mix of strawberry and unicorns kisses. They grow in really thorny bushes and the unicorns really like them but can't quite get to them and drool all over them. It tastes really good on fresh bread when you make it into a jam. The tingle from the unicorns kisses is really fun."
"Do I remember you saying you were imprisoned? You don't really look like the kind to have done hard time. What was that all about?"
Pie squirms in his seat looking a little uncomfortable, but nods and begins to speak.
"Well the monster in my head would make me write things in my sleep. Magicy runes and things. One time I drew all over someone's wagon in my sleep and then they called the guard and they said I had to go work in their prisony loggy camp. I was only supposed to be there a week but I'm not very strong. So I didn't get the work done and had to stay longer and longer. Eventually another guy came in and he became my friend, Mister Fitz, He's a kobold. With his help I finally caught up on my work because he is a bard and his singing makes magic happen. And after 8 weeks we got out on the same day! Then we went to an inn and because of Mister Fitz, I told you he's a kobold right? Well he started a show there and now it's a permanent fixture that he does every day!"
"Well i would not have pegged you for a hardened criminal who's done time in the clink, that's for sure little guy! I heard that you joined this Mister Fi- Yes, Yes we are all quite aware he's a kobold, thank you. You joined him and provided some effects for his show, is that correct?"
Pie sits up and smoothes out his red pocketed vest, then turns his happy smile back to the camera which he still isn't quite sure what it does, but the people in the background keep pointing to it.
"Oh! Yes, I did! Well with the help of my friends. Wisps made lights for the show, and my Khorred friends, they are little dwarves tied to the earth and they dig a lot and have magical hair that can reach out and touch you, they helped make different setups on the stage, and the sylphs made wind ,and warmed up the air to make little dust devils that dance around Mister Fitz, because he's a kobold! Oh and if he needed to disappear I could invite the swamp nixie and she could pull him under the stage, and it was ok and safe cuz she says he's too small to make a good meal just like me. She calls me Tiny Bite and says I wouldn't be worth the pain to eat too! The pixies and the brownies help move stuff around and make it float and one time even a unicorn came when we had some burbur berry jam and got on stage and everybody was all surprised. And then Mister Fitz, have I told you that he's a ko-"
"And that's it folks! This interview is over and it was entirely devoid of all the usual boring vampire crap they were gonna try and feed you. And the Puns! I've seen those other interviews and the nerve of these reporters is just beyond the pale. Thats all for now, Fangs Krim with the Blooddependant signing of!"
The camera pans to show a little green skinned goblin sitting in a chair. A wild black mohawk tops his head. His eyes are yellow with red pupils and a big smile filled with tiny sharp teen fill his mouth.
He is wearing a red vest with many many pockets, a dark rad cloak and some brown breeches. His feet are bare save for a wrap that goes around part of them and his ankles and lower leg. He waves happily when he sees the camera pan to him even though he doesn't know what a camera is.
"Today folks we are talking to a goblin from a game called Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah the one your mom said would steal your soul and force you to make a pact with the devil. That's the one. Lets begin shall we? Hello there and welcome to Interviews BY a Vampire!! Can you state your name and tell us a little bit about yourself?"
"Hi My name is Pie! Pie Spiderfoot! I come from a fishy loggy village in a country that is mostly elfs but at the north end on a giant lake is where the Spiderfoot goblins live. Uhm, My dads name is Pook and my mom's name is Kayke. My dad always jokes that I was named so he could have his Kayke and Pie. I was supposed to be a loggy person, but I am really weak, and I was never good at sawing or hauling or cutting any of the loggy bits. "
The goblin shifts in the chair and adjusts his many pocketed vest. The vampire motions for him to go on.
"Anyway. Uh… I got tricked by a creature from the Fae Realm and had to be her slave for a hole year and a day. And a DAY! NEVER tell a fae THANK YOU! They will totally take your life away and make you carry their things, and do their laundry, and spy on the funny season elfs when they find out you understand elfs tongue. So uh after that I was helping this lady of dreams druid and a monster got stuck inside my head and it was going berserk for a long time. I got thrown into a loggy work prison camp and I met my friend Fitz, he's a kobold, and eventually I got out of there. Then I met someone who helped me get the monster under control, and now I'm training to be a wizard!"
The goblins toothy smile is sweet and wide and genuine.
"That's a wonderful story. Absolutely no erotic bites, compelled night walking, or tragic deaths. Way to go my little friend! Let's shift gears. What's your favorite food? I'm sure our listeners and readers are tired of hearing that one blood type tastes better than others, or the taste changes if you drink lots of pineapple juice."
"Oh, I like all kinds of things. Let's see .. Oh the Burbur berries are in season in the Fae Marches right now! Have you had those? No? Well they taste like a mix of strawberry and unicorns kisses. They grow in really thorny bushes and the unicorns really like them but can't quite get to them and drool all over them. It tastes really good on fresh bread when you make it into a jam. The tingle from the unicorns kisses is really fun."
"Do I remember you saying you were imprisoned? You don't really look like the kind to have done hard time. What was that all about?"
Pie squirms in his seat looking a little uncomfortable, but nods and begins to speak.
"Well the monster in my head would make me write things in my sleep. Magicy runes and things. One time I drew all over someone's wagon in my sleep and then they called the guard and they said I had to go work in their prisony loggy camp. I was only supposed to be there a week but I'm not very strong. So I didn't get the work done and had to stay longer and longer. Eventually another guy came in and he became my friend, Mister Fitz, He's a kobold. With his help I finally caught up on my work because he is a bard and his singing makes magic happen. And after 8 weeks we got out on the same day! Then we went to an inn and because of Mister Fitz, I told you he's a kobold right? Well he started a show there and now it's a permanent fixture that he does every day!"
"Well i would not have pegged you for a hardened criminal who's done time in the clink, that's for sure little guy! I heard that you joined this Mister Fi- Yes, Yes we are all quite aware he's a kobold, thank you. You joined him and provided some effects for his show, is that correct?"
Pie sits up and smoothes out his red pocketed vest, then turns his happy smile back to the camera which he still isn't quite sure what it does, but the people in the background keep pointing to it.
"Oh! Yes, I did! Well with the help of my friends. Wisps made lights for the show, and my Khorred friends, they are little dwarves tied to the earth and they dig a lot and have magical hair that can reach out and touch you, they helped make different setups on the stage, and the sylphs made wind ,and warmed up the air to make little dust devils that dance around Mister Fitz, because he's a kobold! Oh and if he needed to disappear I could invite the swamp nixie and she could pull him under the stage, and it was ok and safe cuz she says he's too small to make a good meal just like me. She calls me Tiny Bite and says I wouldn't be worth the pain to eat too! The pixies and the brownies help move stuff around and make it float and one time even a unicorn came when we had some burbur berry jam and got on stage and everybody was all surprised. And then Mister Fitz, have I told you that he's a ko-"
"And that's it folks! This interview is over and it was entirely devoid of all the usual boring vampire crap they were gonna try and feed you. And the Puns! I've seen those other interviews and the nerve of these reporters is just beyond the pale. Thats all for now, Fangs Krim with the Blooddependant signing of!"
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