at age four she witnessed her father brutally murder her mother, but harley didn't cry when it happened. all she could think was, would the yellow paint on the wall turn orange from her mother's blood? she fled the house, escaping her father, and was not found for almost a week. she survived on edible plants such as dandelions and never let go of her stuffed animal tigger (from winnie the pooh).
police found her. no family came to claim her, so she was placed into psychiatric care at laurel heights hospital in druid hills, georgia. she did not adjust well after her mother's death, and she still didn't cry about it. the images of her mother's murder recurred in the form of nightmares, flashbacks, new fears, and actions or play that reenacted the event. she couldn't recall positive memories of her mother and father.
she developed ptsd, which includes intrusive memories, self-destructive behavior, poor self-esteem, insomnia, withdrawal (she never knows what is going to set her off, so she withdraws to wherever she feels safest), anxiety (just about anything can cause a ptsd sufferer to feel anxious), lack of appetite, hallucinations, and flashbacks. she had difficulty expressing in words whether she felt afraid, overwhelmed, or helpless. she had difficulty regulating her behaviors and emotions. she became clingy and fearful of new situations, easily frightened, difficult to console, and/or aggressive and impulsive.
when she is in severe shock, has anxiety, or a panic attack, she mentally retreats to "the hundred acre wood" and will hallucinate the characters of winnie the pooh to help herself cope.
at laurel heights, harley endured profound neglect and abuse from her caregivers. it further disrupted her development and the formation of a sense of self. since these events occurred with caregivers, they interfered with her ability to form a secure attachment. many aspects of healthy physical and mental development rely on this primary source of safety and stability. because of this complex trauma, harley shrunk in on herself mentally - she retreated to a personality that was more happy and safe, thus explaining her childlike, bubbly behavior in her adult years.
as a teenager, harley was mistreated by one male caregiver for a period of time. she was an easy target because she had so much innocence. he convinced her that it was "treatment" and that it would help her "release stress and all the bad feelings." he also threatened to withhold her medications if she did not succumb to his demands. she believed him, and he told her not to tell anyone otherwise he wouldn't "treat" her anymore. she developed an increase in nightmares and sleeping difficulties, and an increase in withdrawn behavior. she survived this unthinkable abuse by lashing out, often starting fights with the other patients. not only would she lash out because of suppressed anxiety, hurt, and frustration, the tech / caregiver also gave her birth control without her consent. it messed with her moods and horomones.
she had her good days, and had a real affinity for flowers. one of the things she most liked to do was take a cab to town when all the staff was distracted making lunch, buy a bunch of flowers, take the cab back and waltz back into her suite carrying an insane (literally) amount of sunflowers, daisies, and more that were yellow colored. staff would be frantically looking for her, and suddenly an angry cabby would show up ranting about payment.
there was only one caregiver who gave a damn about harley's well being; dr. williams, the head of the hospital and her trauma therapist. after he had her confirm his suspicions, he immediately had the caregiver abusing her arrested and charged. he then paid out of pocket for harley to take defense classes. he treated her with the softness, respect, and patience she deserved. because of him, she was able to heal in some areas and learn self-care. while she trusted and appreciated him as a caregiver, she still didn't like talking about her trauma, even at 28 years old before the apocalypse came. she tolerated the sessions.
williams, on the other hand, was working on something else with her other than her trauma. he had been studying her for 24 years; observing her mannerisms, what enticed her, what she enjoyed but hid from others. she was enamored of ruin--death and violence. why? williams wasn't concerned. his thought was, might this grimmer side produce unexpected virtues? is this her true self that she is suppressing?
children can benefit from exposure to fictional violence because it makes them feel powerful in a "scary, uncontrollable world." harley's fascination with mayhem from childhood to adulthood has less to do with the fighting and more to do with how the action makes her feel. she likes to feel strong. those committing violence are strong. by pretending to be these violent figures (even if it's just her favorite looney tunes characters), she could take on their strength and with it negotiate daily dangers.
it is similar when she is in her adult years. her mental health depends on her shadow, that part of her psyche that harbors her darkest energies, such as melancholia and murderousness. the more she represses the morbid, the more it foments neuroses or psychoses. to achieve wholeness, she has to acknowledge her most demonic inclinations. yes, she takes pleasure in her enemy's tumble from grace. yes, she takes pleasure in killing the dead and alive. once she welcomes these unseemly resolves as integral portions of her being, the devils turn angels for her.
harley's addiction to killing and watching others be beaten or die makes her feel like there is finally something she can depend on to be OKAY. there is nourishment in darkness for her.
there is light in her more macabre moods. the morbidity of sorrow is often a productive sluggishness, a time when the soul slows down, too weary to go on, and takes stock of where it's been and where it's going. during these gloomy pauses, we often discover parts of ourselves we never knew we possessed, talents that, properly activated, enrich our lives.
williams believes that, "everyone must become who they're meant to be. a banker, a librarian, a biologist, a victim...a killer. If we don't, it disrupts the balance of nature. i know i've been trying to help you get over your mother's death, but i know you can't. you haven't been able to. i have you talk about it over and over, and each time i can see what you're trying to suppress. you might have little idea of what it is, but it's more of a feeling than a thought. why do you think i keep those gory paintings up in my office? i want you to look. i know you want to. i need you to look because who you are intended to be is crying out in your impulses."
williams knows that the world before did not suit her, and when the apocalypse came, he knew she would survive because the new, horrific world was meant for her. she could unearth who she had developed to be without consequence. all he wanted to do was prepare her for it. he knew that he could not help her because she did not have the means to rightly express herself.
when the apocalypse descended, williams got harley safely out of laurel heights. she clutched onto her stuffed tigger the entire time. even at the end of the world, she refuses to leave it behind. williams drove them outside of atlanta and close enough to the "safe zone", or refugee camp. some hours before midnight, he killed himself, and she was left on her own to find her way to the safe-zone until daryl and merle came upon her. close to midnight, the city was napalmed. harley, daryl, and merle found shane's group and established the quarry camp on the outskirts of atlanta.
43 days in, harley and daryl slowly established a foundation to their friendship. he taught her how to track and hunt while she got him to be a little more open with her about himself. in the beginning, daryl found her irksome due to her curious nature. she asked a lot of questions that mostly went unanswered or was vaguely answered. she eventually went easy on poking at his walls. she is not a person without understanding. she genuinely did not want to make him uncomfortable or overwhelm him. he interested her, and she felt as though she could get along with him despite their differences, whether it be personality-wise or background-wise.
at that time, daryl did not have an identity yet. he was still just part of the duo that contained him and his brother. he was nothing with his family. he realized harley was GENUINE and not MOCKING him in her interest in him (abusive parent + brother will make anyone insecure anytime you have something that's YOURS). he gained trust with how much he respected her and in her performance in things. he began to open up a little more and was willing to share things with her once those blockades were overcome. he began to call back to personal questions she asked (that he didn't answer) once he felt comfortable enough.
at first, harley wanted to learn to hunt because she wanted, or was rather desperate, to help the group however she could. she was terrified of ending up alone. she did whatever she could around the camp, even mundane chores such as washing clothes. dale became somewhat of a father figure to her. she enjoyed hearing his stories and conversing with him.
the day rick reunited with his family became an important stepping stone for harley. merle was left handcuffed to a rooftop in the city, and daryl, rick, and others were going to go get him. harley wanted to help, but daryl told her, "nah, you stay here. group needs a hunter." while the title made her happy and proud of herself, she worried for her friend's safety.
later that day by the lake, shane took action against ed's abusive behavior to carol and the other women. harley had noticed ed's abusiveness to carol and sophia, and she had wanted to protect carol (they grew to be acquaintances), but she was too intimidated (would she freeze up? would there be consequences to her actions? how would she go about it?). until shane unknowingly helped to influence her. he showed her how easy it could be to take action, especially in this new world where rules of society no longer applied. while he mercilessly beat ed, harley felt overly satisfied in watching. it was then that she believed she could finally have the ability to overpower abusers. she never felt strong as a child, or as she was growing up, but she could now.
while the group had a fish-fry that night, harley went to grab herself a blanket, but came across a walker. initially afraid, she came up with an idea that calmed her. she guided the walker over to ed's tent and watched as it killed ed. this was her first real experience of getting a high from watching a live death. it made her wonder, "is this why i didn't cry while my mom was being bludgeoned?" she returned to the fish-fry, only to see that the camp was being attacked by a throng of walkers. she proved herself in helping to protect everyone until rick and company arrived in time to save the rest of the group. she also strengthened her bond with carol by protecting her and sophia. daryl had sought out harley and made sure she was alright. she was trembling from adrenaline and excitement. killing the walkers attacking the campsite greatly impacted her psyche. they were not actual people, but she was still killing something dangerous. and she could kill however many she wanted without consequence.
the next day, harley helped to bury the quarry victims and burn the walkers. having believed she and the others would be safe (she had taken note of williams saying the undead were centralized in the city, and she had been counting the days without an incident), realized that they would be in danger anywhere they go. this gave her the stress and anxiety she wanted to avoid. in the morning the group left for the cdc.
while everyone was settling in at the cdc, harley refused to go into the room to sleep and sat out in the hallway. the facility halls and rooms vaguely reminded her of the institution. daryl, carrying a bottle of wine, found her and sat with her. she hadn't opened up much about her history at the institution, but she talked about the familiarity of the halls and rooms to him. she also mentioned about not feeling safe anymore, and asked if they ever will be. he offered his hard opinion, saying he didn't want to lie to her. he gave her some of the wine, and since she had never had alcohol, she was overwhelmed at first. the aftertaste caused her to make a funny face. daryl chuckled and offered to let her stay in his room if it would have made her feel better. their friendship strengthened.
the group awakened and jenner explained the virus. he told them the building will self-destruct. rick persuaded jenner to unlock the doors. once those doors came open, harley decided, "if I'm dyin', i wanna go with purpose. doc said my life started with the world endin', so i'm gonna make do and grow up." the group reduced their caravan from five cars to the rv, the station wagon, and daryl's motorcycle.
on a congested highway, harley and the group sought out supplies. she wandered around, but kept herself within eyesight. she and the others don't realize a herd is coming. while searching a car, she found a lollipop (she's an absolute hoe for candy) and wondered if it had been too baked in the sun to be good anymore. she missed the simple things, such as flavor. daryl started coming toward her, quick and low. "hey, you think this is still good?" harley asked him, twirling the sucker. "i mean it is watermelon." he suddenly locked an arm around her midriff. "whoa, what?!" she exclaimed. he pulled her to the ground and told her to get under the car before going to an injured t-dog. two walkers chased sophia away into the woods. harley tried to comfort carol.
dale and t-dog waited at the rv while the rest of the group, including harley, ventured into the woods to search for sophia. sophia's situation reminded harley of her traumatic childhood, and she sympathized with carol. harley didn't want any kid to experience what she did; being on their own in dangerous woodland. she opened up about her past with daryl and carol, strengthening her bond with them. later, maggie arrived on horseback to take lori to rick and instructed the others how to reach the farmhouse. the next morning, the survivors arrived at the farm, and once settled in, they had a funeral for otis.
harley helped out around the farm, and adored the cows and horses and often talked to them. she had never been around animals, but always loved them. while searching for sophia in the woods, daryl found her doll in a riverbed. he tumbled down a cliffside and was injured by one of his arrows. he hallucinated merle taunting him and telling him to get moving if he wanted to live. upon arriving at the farm, he was mistaken for a walker and shot by andrea. harley went off on andrea, and dale tried to calm harley down. she visited with daryl that night to express her fear of losing him.
glenn announced to the group that there were walkers in the barn. returning to the farm shane rallied the group and opened fire on the walkers in front of hershel. harley participated in killing the walkers and again found odd satisfaction from killing. a zombified sophia emerged and rick was the only one able to put her down. harley tried to reassure daryl that his search for sophia wasn't fruitless, because he tried. he was selfless enough to search for her. she told him carol will always appreciate it. "this world never took kindly to kids."
later a walker attacked dale, critically wounding him. daryl shot dale in the head as a mercy kill. daryl later tried to comfort harley from the trauma of losing dale. "i'm gonna lose everyone, aren't i?" the next morning, daryl took harley to a large patch of sunflowers, knowing that she adored them. he said, "was thinkin' this might cheer you up." she embraced him. although he hadn't been much of a hugger, he returned the embrace. the group held a funeral for dale that day.
in the night, a herd of walkers migrating through the woods was drawn to the farm by carl's gunshot after he killed shane. harley joined the others to fight for the farm. inevitably, the farm could not be saved. daryl sought her out on his motorbike and drove them away.
on day 300 in the spring, with the group scavenging from house to house, they discovered a prison complex and rick formulated a plan to "take the field by nightfall." the group was extremely successful and they celebrated with a campfire sing-along. rick told them tomorrow they would have to get inside the prison where there should be food and medicine, and maybe even a loaded armory. harley almost stifled her hope for a safe life in the prison, but daryl assured her it would be good for them.
rick, daryl, harley, t-dog, glenn, and maggie fought off walkers beyond the fence gates in an attempt to clear the prison and get inside. they found a secure cell block and the group moved in, resting for the night. harley moved on from her discomfort of being in a locked room like at the institution, and accepted the cells as a form of luxury. she realized she would possibly never have it as good as she did with a comfortable bed and her yellow walls. the gray walls of her cell were depressing to her, though. she spent as much time outside as she could to keep herself from getting depressed. she picked up the habit of working at the fences, killing walkers into the nights and mornings as her new form of "therapy." she was obsessed with keeping the prison and the group safe. daryl noticed how she obsessively kept at it, and tried to talk to her. he saw how blistered her hands were and how neglected her overall health was. carol tried to talk to her as well. harley eventually sat down and talked with rick. he was concerned for her. she openly told him about her past and why she stayed at the fences so much. having a better understanding, rick told her to go to hershel about her hands and to rest up for a few days.
rick's group attacked woodbury, which resulted in daryl disappearing, oscar's death, and glenn and maggie being rescued. daryl and merle separated from the group after merle was not welcome with the group. harley was distraught by daryl leaving. during his time away from the group, she bonded more with carol. merle and daryl didn't see eye to eye and after saving a family from walkers, daryl decided to return to the prison with a reluctant merle in tow. harley was beyond delighted by daryl's return.
day 493. bob stookey was found by daryl, harley, and glenn and inducted into their group after answering three questions. days later, harley fell terribly ill from the flu going around and was placed in A block for quarantine. daryl and carol visited with her, separated by bulletproof glass. she nearly died from the flu.
the next day, a sickly harley participated in the battle against the governor until the prison fell. she lost her stuffed tigger in the process, but daryl had recovered it before he left the prison. he held onto it the entire time up until their bitter reunion. she fled and was determined to survive on her own despite having been with a group since the beginning. she foraged wild, edible plants to eat to maintain strength during her time alone.
weeks later, she was found by negan.
= finished
= unfinished
