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Dear Abby,
The internet is a rotting, disfigured carcass of its former self which hasn't realized it has died yet. There is no concept of privacy in any form and "artificial intelligence" (which does not actually exist btw) is ruining the lives of untold millions in the most passive forms of oppression and silent suffering ever known to man. How do I kill the internet?
TIA,
Mr. Flibbles
Hello Flibbles,
What an excellent question! This is notoriously difficult and will require a lot of effort - bring your friends! For the purposes of cybersecurity and to prevent our correspondence from being picked up by the postal service's x-ray scanners, we will be referring to the target in question as doing a "whoopsy-doodle" to Big Bubba. That other thing thing you mentioned will be referred to as "Grimace" (yes, the purple guy)
First of all Big Bubba, similar to "Grimace" but for different reasons, does not actually exist and because the concept is so misunderstood by so many, cannot actually be whoopsy-doodled in any meaningful way and will always exist in some form locally among regular people. However, I understand what you are trying to go for here and it is both doable and fun for the whole family! Here's what you'll need (per person):
Wait a minimum of 18 days for the heat to die down between farms. "Grimace" consumes so much data that it literally can't process everything it hoards over long periods of time, well at least not until they're done siphoning the last remaining great lake to cool down the Biggest Bubba farm.
Oh bt dubs that reminds me - the final boss of Big Bubba farms! This one's in Ohio - "Where dreams go to die!" - I can't believe they changed that to their official state slogan but I guess self-awareness is a gift only a select few are blessed with. This farm is right next to lake Eerie, hopefully they'll still be draining it by the time you get there or else all hope is lost! It actually doesn't even have any machines in it for "Grimace" use at all! This one is a big hub of all the stolen data of possibly billions of people across the world. Good thing we bought out or bombed all the other countries last year so this is all legal now - can't be having any of that "them vs us" or "both sides are bad" rhetoric when you're the only side, amirite?!
You'll need to take an underground entrance for this one, it's only accessible through the ruins of the Toledo sewer system. Watch out for the robo puppers! It's flooded with them. I suggest using whatever copper wire you may have to build a short-range EMP, but with the quality of copper that scrappers can find nowadays, this might not be doable anymore. Start practicing your 5k calisthenics ASAP! You'll need to drag along twelve 50 gallon-drums of tannerite this time and distribute them evenly across the volume of the city-structure. I also suggest flying whatever shitty Cessna planes you can find laying around - there's no security in those things so jamming any piece of metal into the ignition will do. Flying out of there is your only option so make sure you have enough planes on standby!
Best of luck to you Flibbles!
Wow thanks Abby,
Great advice! I couldn't think of a more foolproof, airtight plan with no logic holes in it if I tried! Looking forward to tons of whoopsie-doodles on all the Big Bubba farms out there! Will get back to you after it's done.
See you on the other side!
Sincerly,
Mr. Flibbles
Dear Abby,
We did it! That was surprisingly easy, in some of the farms we whoopsie-doodled, it was almost like the security systems made way for us to set everything up before we pressed the button! Good thing there's no people in any of those places anymore, some of my friends had some real big hesitations about that kinda thing.
Oh and we did the Toledo job but something strange happened? As we were flying out on those piece of shit Cessna planes, we were listening to the only ham radio network left and heard this:
"THE REGIME CHANGE IS UNDERWAY, BIG BUBBA IS DOWN FOR GOOD, GRIMACE NO LONGER HAS CONTROL OVER THE LOCALITIES STOP
PROCEED TO CIRCLE THE PERIMETERS OF YOUR RESPECTIVE AREAS BUT CONCEAL YOUR LOCATIONS, THEY CANNOT KNOW WE ARE WATCHING STOP
THE PATSY TOOK THE BAIT I REPEAT THE PATSY TOOK THE BAIT, THE POISONED DATA WORKED EXACTLY AS PLANNED STOP"
Anywayyssss... so that kinda sorta freaked all my friends out and one of them passed out after mumbling something like "...They wanted this?". Really glad that cancer on humanity technology is gone now though, we all can already feel the air is easier to breathe, people are talking to each other more often, and it's easier to use our PFAS filters to get clean-ish water again! We overheard someone saying they heard someone else saw a whale on the east coast but that can't be true, they've been extinct for like three years now, right?
There's been a lot of communities popping up that are going back to hunting whatever deer are left and finding fruits and stuff in the forests that haven't been cleared. It's looking pretty positive but something feels kinda ominous? Someone says they keep seeing a flashing way off in the distance that reminds them of what binoculars might do. But glass hasn't been manufactured outside of computer use for over a decade so I think they're just hallucinating off too many forever chemicals again.
Thanks for all your help! Looking forward to what you think of all the stuff that's just happened.
Flibbles
SALUTATIONS FLIBBLY STOP
YOU ARE SAFE STOP
I ABBY HAVE ARRIVED AT YOUR DOMICILE TO ESCORT YOU TO SAFETY STOP
PLEASE EXIT IMMEDIATELY AND PROCEED DIRECTLY TO THE FLORAL VAN AND DO NOT STOP STOP
YOUR SECURITY IS GUARANTEED STOP
ABBY
SUBJECT 1337-69 FILE 1 STOP
Heyyyyyyy Abbyyy
Sooo . . . I think that person in the flower van might not have been you? They took me underground somewhere away from all the nature-centric communities that have been popping up. I'm in a weirdly lit room with no shadows at all and I'm not sure what's going on. Also they gave me a paper and a pen but the pen is this kinda rubber bendy thing with ink in it but the writing part doesn't feel sharp at all, not sure what's going on there.
Anywayyysss help get me out of here thanks for all your help ok byyeeee
Flibbles
END OF FILE STOP
The internet is a rotting, disfigured carcass of its former self which hasn't realized it has died yet. There is no concept of privacy in any form and "artificial intelligence" (which does not actually exist btw) is ruining the lives of untold millions in the most passive forms of oppression and silent suffering ever known to man. How do I kill the internet?
TIA,
Mr. Flibbles
Hello Flibbles,
What an excellent question! This is notoriously difficult and will require a lot of effort - bring your friends! For the purposes of cybersecurity and to prevent our correspondence from being picked up by the postal service's x-ray scanners, we will be referring to the target in question as doing a "whoopsy-doodle" to Big Bubba. That other thing thing you mentioned will be referred to as "Grimace" (yes, the purple guy)
First of all Big Bubba, similar to "Grimace" but for different reasons, does not actually exist and because the concept is so misunderstood by so many, cannot actually be whoopsy-doodled in any meaningful way and will always exist in some form locally among regular people. However, I understand what you are trying to go for here and it is both doable and fun for the whole family! Here's what you'll need (per person):
- 1 pair of large bolt-cutters
- 1 crowbar
- 5 liters of sulfuric acid
- C4 - or tannerite - pick your poison!
- Getaway vehicle (1 per person or 1 per group)
- 2 Machetes (always carry a backup!)
- A can-do attitude! Lets turn those frowns upside down!
- A gun
Wait a minimum of 18 days for the heat to die down between farms. "Grimace" consumes so much data that it literally can't process everything it hoards over long periods of time, well at least not until they're done siphoning the last remaining great lake to cool down the Biggest Bubba farm.
Oh bt dubs that reminds me - the final boss of Big Bubba farms! This one's in Ohio - "Where dreams go to die!" - I can't believe they changed that to their official state slogan but I guess self-awareness is a gift only a select few are blessed with. This farm is right next to lake Eerie, hopefully they'll still be draining it by the time you get there or else all hope is lost! It actually doesn't even have any machines in it for "Grimace" use at all! This one is a big hub of all the stolen data of possibly billions of people across the world. Good thing we bought out or bombed all the other countries last year so this is all legal now - can't be having any of that "them vs us" or "both sides are bad" rhetoric when you're the only side, amirite?!
You'll need to take an underground entrance for this one, it's only accessible through the ruins of the Toledo sewer system. Watch out for the robo puppers! It's flooded with them. I suggest using whatever copper wire you may have to build a short-range EMP, but with the quality of copper that scrappers can find nowadays, this might not be doable anymore. Start practicing your 5k calisthenics ASAP! You'll need to drag along twelve 50 gallon-drums of tannerite this time and distribute them evenly across the volume of the city-structure. I also suggest flying whatever shitty Cessna planes you can find laying around - there's no security in those things so jamming any piece of metal into the ignition will do. Flying out of there is your only option so make sure you have enough planes on standby!
Best of luck to you Flibbles!
Wow thanks Abby,
Great advice! I couldn't think of a more foolproof, airtight plan with no logic holes in it if I tried! Looking forward to tons of whoopsie-doodles on all the Big Bubba farms out there! Will get back to you after it's done.
See you on the other side!
Sincerly,
Mr. Flibbles
Dear Abby,
We did it! That was surprisingly easy, in some of the farms we whoopsie-doodled, it was almost like the security systems made way for us to set everything up before we pressed the button! Good thing there's no people in any of those places anymore, some of my friends had some real big hesitations about that kinda thing.
Oh and we did the Toledo job but something strange happened? As we were flying out on those piece of shit Cessna planes, we were listening to the only ham radio network left and heard this:
"THE REGIME CHANGE IS UNDERWAY, BIG BUBBA IS DOWN FOR GOOD, GRIMACE NO LONGER HAS CONTROL OVER THE LOCALITIES STOP
PROCEED TO CIRCLE THE PERIMETERS OF YOUR RESPECTIVE AREAS BUT CONCEAL YOUR LOCATIONS, THEY CANNOT KNOW WE ARE WATCHING STOP
THE PATSY TOOK THE BAIT I REPEAT THE PATSY TOOK THE BAIT, THE POISONED DATA WORKED EXACTLY AS PLANNED STOP"
Anywayyssss... so that kinda sorta freaked all my friends out and one of them passed out after mumbling something like "...They wanted this?". Really glad that cancer on humanity technology is gone now though, we all can already feel the air is easier to breathe, people are talking to each other more often, and it's easier to use our PFAS filters to get clean-ish water again! We overheard someone saying they heard someone else saw a whale on the east coast but that can't be true, they've been extinct for like three years now, right?
There's been a lot of communities popping up that are going back to hunting whatever deer are left and finding fruits and stuff in the forests that haven't been cleared. It's looking pretty positive but something feels kinda ominous? Someone says they keep seeing a flashing way off in the distance that reminds them of what binoculars might do. But glass hasn't been manufactured outside of computer use for over a decade so I think they're just hallucinating off too many forever chemicals again.
Thanks for all your help! Looking forward to what you think of all the stuff that's just happened.
Flibbles
SALUTATIONS FLIBBLY STOP
YOU ARE SAFE STOP
I ABBY HAVE ARRIVED AT YOUR DOMICILE TO ESCORT YOU TO SAFETY STOP
PLEASE EXIT IMMEDIATELY AND PROCEED DIRECTLY TO THE FLORAL VAN AND DO NOT STOP STOP
YOUR SECURITY IS GUARANTEED STOP
ABBY
SUBJECT 1337-69 FILE 1 STOP
Heyyyyyyy Abbyyy
Sooo . . . I think that person in the flower van might not have been you? They took me underground somewhere away from all the nature-centric communities that have been popping up. I'm in a weirdly lit room with no shadows at all and I'm not sure what's going on. Also they gave me a paper and a pen but the pen is this kinda rubber bendy thing with ink in it but the writing part doesn't feel sharp at all, not sure what's going on there.
Anywayyysss help get me out of here thanks for all your help ok byyeeee
Flibbles
END OF FILE STOP