Darko Cernovsek
Soul Of Vengeance
Late Evening...
"What's left in this world for me? Unfulfilled dreams, uninspired people weighing me down, unforgiving obligations to fulfill on a dead-end job, friendships broken, trust betrayed, so many times I've lost count. A wife who left me, a daughter who hates me... but both still leeching money from me, through the god damn alimony. What's the point? I'd have thought YOU, of all people, would understand! Why won't you do this for me?! Make me yours, give my life meaning again... please. I have nothing left to live for, but ever since meeting you, and knowing who... what you are... I've felt like I found what was missing in my life! Someone who understands what's it like, to be alone among many. Someone not shallow and materialistic, someone with attention span longer then that of a braindead fly. Someone... so magnificent, so... beyond life and it's disappointments! Beyond the petty bullshit and fits of jealousy and histrionics I've had to deal with, in the past. Beyond the soul-sucking complications of a posessive, toxic marriage.You're... you're a dream come true!"
He stood there, expectantly, a bouquet of red and white roses in hand, staring at her back, even as he swallowed ever-so-slightly, as the statuesque brunette standing next to the window looking out at the nighttime cityscape, hadn't so much as moved. It took him the better part of a month, ever since he stumbled upon the truth of who... what she was... to work up the courage to approach her with this admission. Howard was no fool, though. He knew better then to spread the word... the anonymous, self-erasing messages he got to his phone in the following days, were clear enough, on what would happen to him if he did. She must have known, that he was onto her. But even if he hadn't received them, he had no intention of doing so. On the contrary... it drew him even closer to her, and reaffirmed his desires. He tried a couple of times... over mail, over text messages, just to... feel her out... but the answer was always a 'no'.
But that 'no', had an air of... vagueness, to it. She never gave reasons, why not. She never explained it. It was always just a - no. One word. A marked contrast from the impression he got of her, before he knew - an outgoing, extroverted, talkative woman. Almost as if daring him, perhaps... to come here in person. A part of him was frankly, terrified. She... she was the same - a delicate, buxom, coordinated, perfectly-proportioned, soft spoken bombshell in a satin red blouse and snap-up leather pants, that sometimes would come by to have a meeting with his supervisor in the company, where they discussed something about a... shadow hand... whatever that was. A head-turner, for almost every man employed in the data-entry, not just him.
She was the same - yet - not the same. Standing in the same room with her now, knowing what she was... a nascent fear was bubbling beyond his attraction. For if he had misinterpreted... these could well be his last moments. Those anonymous messages were quite clear. It took over two weeks of... borderline stalkerish... behaviour, for him to find her place of residence. But now - against his better judgement, he had to admit, and certainly against his instincts for self-preservation... here he was. Because he had to know. He had to get a straight answer. Even if it killed him.
Standing less then five paces, from a vampire. The weird part was... she let him in, without even asking who it was, at the door. Almost as if... she knew he was coming.
Moments stretched, into a dozen, as Howard could feel a droplet of cold sweat sliding slowly down his temple. For some nameless reason - he had a feeling this whole scenario was - set, somehow. That nothing he had done in the past couple of weeks, ever since becoming aware of what she was, was any surprise to her.
***
"Is that what you're in love with, then?" - she finally asked, still not turning around, "That dream of yours, of a perfect woman? Or me? Because there's a difference, Howard."
He felt his knees go slightly weak... that soft-spoken, rich alto was enough to make him swoon. If only.... ONLY she'd turn around, and favour him with that bottomless onxy gaze of hers... his heart quickened just at the thought.
"I... maybe not the best analogy, ehm... Lexi... oh, sorry... miss Bekrios. F-first name basis is a little forward... But I really feel like th--" - before she cut in, smoothly.
"No more forward then you inviting yourself to my home, Howard!" - with a barest hint of amusement, "...but don't worry. Neither of those is my true name. Nor will you let anyone in on that fact. So Lexi will do, for now."
He nodded, almost to himself, a bit... put off... by the implied threat there, but forced himself to continue... "Lexi, in that case. I... I love you. I felt a connection, ever since I laid eyes on you for the first time. Before I knew who - what you are. And not because of your looks. Don't misunderstand! Let's be real here. I'm too old for juvenile crushes, being in my forties, and feeling a lot older. Or flights of fancy. Been there, done that. Got the scars. But with you... I feel it could be different. Being what you are, you... you must be as - alone among many - as I am."
At this, she turned, meeting his brown gaze with her onxy-black one, and motioned him to take a seat, at a comfortable-looking sofa in the living room, as she glided over to a liquor cabinet, pulling out a delicate bottle of gin, with two glasses. As she set one in front of him, and poured the crystalline liquid into both, she spoke.
"That's quite a presumption to make. You don't know anything about me." - she stated. There was no anger or irritation in her tone, just patient intensity of someone sounding like she has had variations on this conversation, more then once. With more then one man.
"What you think you know about me, is based on what your mind wants from me. An anchor. An escape from reality. A release from what you see as prison, of your current life." - she paused there, taking a sip.
Howard's eyes narrowed slightly at that.
"Well of course I want that! Is happiness so much to ask for? And honestly, whatever - kind of state - you exist in, being what you are - has to be better, then the kind of purgatory I live in, every single day! I look at you... and I see someone at peace with herself. And the world. Someone in control of her circumstances, and where they might take her! Someone who has things in order, and the way she wants them." - his voice elevating only slightly, before he scowled to himself.
"So yeah. I guess I do want an anchor. Because - look at me! Half the time, I feel like picking up a gun and blowing my brains out. The other half... I just go through every day like a bloody zombie, going through the motions without any purpose to them. I hate everything about my life. Literally."
The onyx in the woman's gaze momentarily gave way, to crimson-red, making him jump slightly.
"And you think by giving yourself over to me, and having me turn you into a zombie for real, you can escape those feelings? Because make no mistake, what I am, is a zombie. One who's good at projection and disguise, and who's made it a habit to invent new purposes to existence - but a zombie. You say you love me." - she paused there, reaching out to lightly lay a palm of her hand on top of his... making him stiffen slightly, at the icy coldness of that touch...
"But if I do what you're asking of me... you won't be capable of love, anymore. You won't have these feelings for me, anymore. Or your daughter, or anyone else." - gently, before she lifted her other hand slightly, forestalling a reflexive rebuttal, "...you may think you will, but you will not. Because you'll be dead. And once the reality of what you became, would set in, you'll HATE me for what I've done to you. And what your new nature would make you do, to other people. By the dozens... then hundreds.... then thousands."
Howard shook his head, gritting his teeth. But he didn't pull his hand away, instead gripping hers.
"But how can that be? You don't seem... dead... to me! Or... or a monster, or whatever else people usually associate vampires with! I mean you... you're being kind to me, right now. More so then anyone has been, for the past decade, at least! You care! I can see that in your eyes." - he insisted.
"I don't. I just act like it." - she shook her head, sadly, before she pulled her hand back. "I told you.... I'm good at projecting, and acting. Part of what I am, is being good at those things. I read your pheromones, I 'see' how you feel... and I latch onto it. But I don't care. And I can't. Not really." - she paused there, considering.
"I had someone once. Long before you were born... in another half-life. His name was George. Someone who was so close to me, that I actually convinced myself I 'loved' him. Like you, he knew what I was. The act became the fact, in my mind. I gave him a half-life of his own, I Turned him... not fully, not the way you want me to do to you - but I turned him enough that he could share a part of eternity with me. I took his life away, along with its troubles, saved him from ilness and death - for a couple of centuries, at least... and empowered him to be happy." - the woman's tone distant.
Howard's eyes lit up.
"And that's what I want! More then anything... to share a part of eternity with you!" - he exclaimed.
Her eyes met his again. The expression on her face turned hard.
"No."
"But why not?! I... need to understand. Please." - he pressed, desperation creeping slightly into his tone. At this, the vampiress's eyes lost their onyx aspect, turning fully crimson.
"Aside from the obvious, that I don't know you that well; because that wasn't love. Or affection, or me caring about him. It took until after his passing, before I finally understood, that what I did, wasn't for his benefit, in the end, but for my own. I did it because I WANTED someone to share eternity with. You said you could see me being alone among many? You're right about that. But right, on a level you can't begin to imagine. To be a vampire, is to be alone. Forever. I... needed... someone to keep me from going mad, in that void. So what I did, was play on his affection for me, and manipulated him into giving away his life, to be with me. I was the one who offered it, to him."
Howard frowned.
"But he clearly wanted to be with you... it was his choice to accept your offer. So what's wrong with that? He clearly loved you enough to give away his human life, or however that worked. I mean, from how it sounds like, he must have died happy, when his time finally came."
"He did. And that's the worst part." - the woman turned her reddish gaze away.
"How so?" - he asked, confused, reaching again for her cold hand. But she pulled it fully away, to grip her gin glass... which, to his surprise, suddenly shattered under the grip.
"Because he never caught on! Don't you understand?!" - she hissed, in understated self-recrimination... "He never realised, that I didn't love him in return. That I was USING him, to fill a void. He spent over two centuries, secure in the belief that his feelings were reciprocated! They NEVER WERE! I played him... I fed him a line, for two hundred years. I played the part. I made him happy. I convinced myself I was happy in return. But it was never real. I just convinced myself it was. Him and myself. I made an act, a reality. Just like every other act, every other theatre-play I ran with, ever since I became what I am." - she finished, then looked at him again.
He bit his lip, trying to form a response, but reluctantly sighed.
"I'm a vampire, Howard. I can't love. Love, is a province of the living, not the dead. Take my advice... go to your daughter. Make an effort to bridge whatever void is between you. Visit your wife. Try and get it all back together. However fucked-up you think your life is - you do NOT want, to be like me. You don't want me to make you 'mine'. And I won't to do that to you. Because while I may not be capable of love, or caring in a real sense... I do remember what it was like, being alive. And I won't take that from you. If I did - I'd be no better, then the one who Turned me. He did it, for the same reason I did what I did to George... and what a part of me is tempted, to do to you now." - she rose and paced back to the window.
"Go. If you want advice or a sounding board, call me. If you want to get together sometime..." - she turned briefly, flashing him a brilliant smile... "We'll see... there was a time I got a kick out of being a wife-stealer. And if she really is the kind of bitch not to realise what a catch she had... she'd have it coming!" - her smile then faded.
"But don't ask me for, what you asked me here tonight. Ever again." - turning back to the window.
"You make it sound so simple." - Howard growled, rising... "Try to get it all back together... like I didn't want to! You think it's easy?! When someone despises you, as much as she does me? I'd rather have an illusion of happiness, then what I have now!" - he snapped.
"No. I don't think it's easy. But I'm not a shrink, or a relationship counsillor. I'm just someone who's been observing people for half a millennia. I don't know what she'll say. I'm not her. What I do know though, is that there's always two sides to a coin, and that escaping into a half-life or undeath, isn't the answer. And believe it or not - you aren't the first man who asked me to do him a 'favour' like this. And for similar reasons."
"But again - if it don't work out, call me! We can get together sometime." - sultrily. "When it comes to diversions... there are other ways to forget about things, besides being Turned for no good reason."
His mouth worked soundlessly, but he just turned around, to get his coat by the door.
"Bitch..." - he muttered under his breath, as he passed through the doorway, and slammed the door shut.
***
Ixis pursed her lips, as of course, her Vampire hearing picked it up.
"No arguments here... but not as much of a bitch, as I'd be, if I took you up on it and Turned you."
THE END
"What's left in this world for me? Unfulfilled dreams, uninspired people weighing me down, unforgiving obligations to fulfill on a dead-end job, friendships broken, trust betrayed, so many times I've lost count. A wife who left me, a daughter who hates me... but both still leeching money from me, through the god damn alimony. What's the point? I'd have thought YOU, of all people, would understand! Why won't you do this for me?! Make me yours, give my life meaning again... please. I have nothing left to live for, but ever since meeting you, and knowing who... what you are... I've felt like I found what was missing in my life! Someone who understands what's it like, to be alone among many. Someone not shallow and materialistic, someone with attention span longer then that of a braindead fly. Someone... so magnificent, so... beyond life and it's disappointments! Beyond the petty bullshit and fits of jealousy and histrionics I've had to deal with, in the past. Beyond the soul-sucking complications of a posessive, toxic marriage.You're... you're a dream come true!"
He stood there, expectantly, a bouquet of red and white roses in hand, staring at her back, even as he swallowed ever-so-slightly, as the statuesque brunette standing next to the window looking out at the nighttime cityscape, hadn't so much as moved. It took him the better part of a month, ever since he stumbled upon the truth of who... what she was... to work up the courage to approach her with this admission. Howard was no fool, though. He knew better then to spread the word... the anonymous, self-erasing messages he got to his phone in the following days, were clear enough, on what would happen to him if he did. She must have known, that he was onto her. But even if he hadn't received them, he had no intention of doing so. On the contrary... it drew him even closer to her, and reaffirmed his desires. He tried a couple of times... over mail, over text messages, just to... feel her out... but the answer was always a 'no'.
But that 'no', had an air of... vagueness, to it. She never gave reasons, why not. She never explained it. It was always just a - no. One word. A marked contrast from the impression he got of her, before he knew - an outgoing, extroverted, talkative woman. Almost as if daring him, perhaps... to come here in person. A part of him was frankly, terrified. She... she was the same - a delicate, buxom, coordinated, perfectly-proportioned, soft spoken bombshell in a satin red blouse and snap-up leather pants, that sometimes would come by to have a meeting with his supervisor in the company, where they discussed something about a... shadow hand... whatever that was. A head-turner, for almost every man employed in the data-entry, not just him.
She was the same - yet - not the same. Standing in the same room with her now, knowing what she was... a nascent fear was bubbling beyond his attraction. For if he had misinterpreted... these could well be his last moments. Those anonymous messages were quite clear. It took over two weeks of... borderline stalkerish... behaviour, for him to find her place of residence. But now - against his better judgement, he had to admit, and certainly against his instincts for self-preservation... here he was. Because he had to know. He had to get a straight answer. Even if it killed him.
Standing less then five paces, from a vampire. The weird part was... she let him in, without even asking who it was, at the door. Almost as if... she knew he was coming.
Moments stretched, into a dozen, as Howard could feel a droplet of cold sweat sliding slowly down his temple. For some nameless reason - he had a feeling this whole scenario was - set, somehow. That nothing he had done in the past couple of weeks, ever since becoming aware of what she was, was any surprise to her.
***
"Is that what you're in love with, then?" - she finally asked, still not turning around, "That dream of yours, of a perfect woman? Or me? Because there's a difference, Howard."
He felt his knees go slightly weak... that soft-spoken, rich alto was enough to make him swoon. If only.... ONLY she'd turn around, and favour him with that bottomless onxy gaze of hers... his heart quickened just at the thought.
"I... maybe not the best analogy, ehm... Lexi... oh, sorry... miss Bekrios. F-first name basis is a little forward... But I really feel like th--" - before she cut in, smoothly.
"No more forward then you inviting yourself to my home, Howard!" - with a barest hint of amusement, "...but don't worry. Neither of those is my true name. Nor will you let anyone in on that fact. So Lexi will do, for now."
He nodded, almost to himself, a bit... put off... by the implied threat there, but forced himself to continue... "Lexi, in that case. I... I love you. I felt a connection, ever since I laid eyes on you for the first time. Before I knew who - what you are. And not because of your looks. Don't misunderstand! Let's be real here. I'm too old for juvenile crushes, being in my forties, and feeling a lot older. Or flights of fancy. Been there, done that. Got the scars. But with you... I feel it could be different. Being what you are, you... you must be as - alone among many - as I am."
At this, she turned, meeting his brown gaze with her onxy-black one, and motioned him to take a seat, at a comfortable-looking sofa in the living room, as she glided over to a liquor cabinet, pulling out a delicate bottle of gin, with two glasses. As she set one in front of him, and poured the crystalline liquid into both, she spoke.
"That's quite a presumption to make. You don't know anything about me." - she stated. There was no anger or irritation in her tone, just patient intensity of someone sounding like she has had variations on this conversation, more then once. With more then one man.
"What you think you know about me, is based on what your mind wants from me. An anchor. An escape from reality. A release from what you see as prison, of your current life." - she paused there, taking a sip.
Howard's eyes narrowed slightly at that.
"Well of course I want that! Is happiness so much to ask for? And honestly, whatever - kind of state - you exist in, being what you are - has to be better, then the kind of purgatory I live in, every single day! I look at you... and I see someone at peace with herself. And the world. Someone in control of her circumstances, and where they might take her! Someone who has things in order, and the way she wants them." - his voice elevating only slightly, before he scowled to himself.
"So yeah. I guess I do want an anchor. Because - look at me! Half the time, I feel like picking up a gun and blowing my brains out. The other half... I just go through every day like a bloody zombie, going through the motions without any purpose to them. I hate everything about my life. Literally."
The onyx in the woman's gaze momentarily gave way, to crimson-red, making him jump slightly.
"And you think by giving yourself over to me, and having me turn you into a zombie for real, you can escape those feelings? Because make no mistake, what I am, is a zombie. One who's good at projection and disguise, and who's made it a habit to invent new purposes to existence - but a zombie. You say you love me." - she paused there, reaching out to lightly lay a palm of her hand on top of his... making him stiffen slightly, at the icy coldness of that touch...
"But if I do what you're asking of me... you won't be capable of love, anymore. You won't have these feelings for me, anymore. Or your daughter, or anyone else." - gently, before she lifted her other hand slightly, forestalling a reflexive rebuttal, "...you may think you will, but you will not. Because you'll be dead. And once the reality of what you became, would set in, you'll HATE me for what I've done to you. And what your new nature would make you do, to other people. By the dozens... then hundreds.... then thousands."
Howard shook his head, gritting his teeth. But he didn't pull his hand away, instead gripping hers.
"But how can that be? You don't seem... dead... to me! Or... or a monster, or whatever else people usually associate vampires with! I mean you... you're being kind to me, right now. More so then anyone has been, for the past decade, at least! You care! I can see that in your eyes." - he insisted.
"I don't. I just act like it." - she shook her head, sadly, before she pulled her hand back. "I told you.... I'm good at projecting, and acting. Part of what I am, is being good at those things. I read your pheromones, I 'see' how you feel... and I latch onto it. But I don't care. And I can't. Not really." - she paused there, considering.
"I had someone once. Long before you were born... in another half-life. His name was George. Someone who was so close to me, that I actually convinced myself I 'loved' him. Like you, he knew what I was. The act became the fact, in my mind. I gave him a half-life of his own, I Turned him... not fully, not the way you want me to do to you - but I turned him enough that he could share a part of eternity with me. I took his life away, along with its troubles, saved him from ilness and death - for a couple of centuries, at least... and empowered him to be happy." - the woman's tone distant.
Howard's eyes lit up.
"And that's what I want! More then anything... to share a part of eternity with you!" - he exclaimed.
Her eyes met his again. The expression on her face turned hard.
"No."
"But why not?! I... need to understand. Please." - he pressed, desperation creeping slightly into his tone. At this, the vampiress's eyes lost their onyx aspect, turning fully crimson.
"Aside from the obvious, that I don't know you that well; because that wasn't love. Or affection, or me caring about him. It took until after his passing, before I finally understood, that what I did, wasn't for his benefit, in the end, but for my own. I did it because I WANTED someone to share eternity with. You said you could see me being alone among many? You're right about that. But right, on a level you can't begin to imagine. To be a vampire, is to be alone. Forever. I... needed... someone to keep me from going mad, in that void. So what I did, was play on his affection for me, and manipulated him into giving away his life, to be with me. I was the one who offered it, to him."
Howard frowned.
"But he clearly wanted to be with you... it was his choice to accept your offer. So what's wrong with that? He clearly loved you enough to give away his human life, or however that worked. I mean, from how it sounds like, he must have died happy, when his time finally came."
"He did. And that's the worst part." - the woman turned her reddish gaze away.
"How so?" - he asked, confused, reaching again for her cold hand. But she pulled it fully away, to grip her gin glass... which, to his surprise, suddenly shattered under the grip.
"Because he never caught on! Don't you understand?!" - she hissed, in understated self-recrimination... "He never realised, that I didn't love him in return. That I was USING him, to fill a void. He spent over two centuries, secure in the belief that his feelings were reciprocated! They NEVER WERE! I played him... I fed him a line, for two hundred years. I played the part. I made him happy. I convinced myself I was happy in return. But it was never real. I just convinced myself it was. Him and myself. I made an act, a reality. Just like every other act, every other theatre-play I ran with, ever since I became what I am." - she finished, then looked at him again.
He bit his lip, trying to form a response, but reluctantly sighed.
"I'm a vampire, Howard. I can't love. Love, is a province of the living, not the dead. Take my advice... go to your daughter. Make an effort to bridge whatever void is between you. Visit your wife. Try and get it all back together. However fucked-up you think your life is - you do NOT want, to be like me. You don't want me to make you 'mine'. And I won't to do that to you. Because while I may not be capable of love, or caring in a real sense... I do remember what it was like, being alive. And I won't take that from you. If I did - I'd be no better, then the one who Turned me. He did it, for the same reason I did what I did to George... and what a part of me is tempted, to do to you now." - she rose and paced back to the window.
"Go. If you want advice or a sounding board, call me. If you want to get together sometime..." - she turned briefly, flashing him a brilliant smile... "We'll see... there was a time I got a kick out of being a wife-stealer. And if she really is the kind of bitch not to realise what a catch she had... she'd have it coming!" - her smile then faded.
"But don't ask me for, what you asked me here tonight. Ever again." - turning back to the window.
"You make it sound so simple." - Howard growled, rising... "Try to get it all back together... like I didn't want to! You think it's easy?! When someone despises you, as much as she does me? I'd rather have an illusion of happiness, then what I have now!" - he snapped.
"No. I don't think it's easy. But I'm not a shrink, or a relationship counsillor. I'm just someone who's been observing people for half a millennia. I don't know what she'll say. I'm not her. What I do know though, is that there's always two sides to a coin, and that escaping into a half-life or undeath, isn't the answer. And believe it or not - you aren't the first man who asked me to do him a 'favour' like this. And for similar reasons."
"But again - if it don't work out, call me! We can get together sometime." - sultrily. "When it comes to diversions... there are other ways to forget about things, besides being Turned for no good reason."
His mouth worked soundlessly, but he just turned around, to get his coat by the door.
"Bitch..." - he muttered under his breath, as he passed through the doorway, and slammed the door shut.
***
Ixis pursed her lips, as of course, her Vampire hearing picked it up.
"No arguments here... but not as much of a bitch, as I'd be, if I took you up on it and Turned you."
THE END