Challenge Submission To the One I Should Love the Most... (Finished)

[ieri-fengari]

"To the one I should love the most,

I am sorry it has taken me a while to talk to you. Life has been busy, and I know that is no excuse. Life is busy for everyone, there's no reason why I shouldn't have been able to write you any letters... It's just that... I guess...

I need to be honest with you. It has been a long while since I have felt anything like this towards anyone. Since I was a kid, actually, and these kinds of feelings are hard for me to process.. almost as if they weren't real. Like you and I are a figment of my imagination, and this is just a dream I will wake up from, and I will be back where I was, awake in the nightmare that is this world. I have never been able to fully let go, and love unconditionally before, and it... it scares me.. I hope you can understand where I am coming from. It is so hard to learn to love like this again, when all my life I have been made to feel like I shouldn't. Like loving like this, who you are, who I am as we are, is something that I cannot obtain. I live with this massive black shadow over me, and have since I can remember. It follows me around, from day to day, hour to hour, for what feels like most of my life.. I can't remember the last time I felt love, especially not like this. I feel like I need to refuse it, shove it back down and bottle it up.. I don't want to lose you again..

To lose you again would mean losing myself, and everything that we have built together. It would mean falling back into the darkness that I have always known, and falling back into a world of self pity. I don't want that... I can't have that again... If that were to happen, I don't think I would make it back out of the darkness alive.. I am fully aware that to lose you again would cause my world to burn down, smoke and flames engulfing me again like it used to. I love you with ever fiber of my being, I just need to figure out how to show you that love without faltering, without fucking up.. again. This time I have been taking to find myself again, to find you, has been excruciating. Being away from you is like being without a heart, without a soul, without a sound mind. But I am not of sound mind, I feel insane. So many things wrong, so many things that can go wrong. I am in a constant battle, trying to find my way back out again. There are moments of happiness, moments of light, but they quickly get drowned out in the drop of a pin, fade away like they were never there to begin with... I cherish those moments as long as I can but without you it feels all for naught..

I hope you can forgive me, and understand why I have been so quiet. I hope that we can continue to build our relationship up again, and learn to love together once more. For you, I would burn down the world if it meant that I could learn to love you again.. I hope that you still feel the same, even after these months of us struggling together..
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With every ounce of love I can muster, ​

You know who I am."​

 

[ieri-fengari]

"To the one I do love the most,

Don't you ever apologize for being yourself, please. It pains me to see you this way, but I know that all of life has its ups and downs. I know that there cannot be light without darkness, that love sometimes cannot be without struggle. ​

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You are so near and dear to my heart, that I will always forgive you for anything that you do, for you are the one I love the most. You are the moon to my sun, the only one I will ever love as much as I do. Without you my dear, life with not be worth it. You are simply one of a kind, perfection, in all your flaws. You are beautiful, kind, caring, wonderful and without you in my life, I am not quite sure what I would do. I can promise you, from the bottom of my heart, that all this love I carry for you is real and true, and will always be. I hope that I able to show you that the next time we meet, to show you how much you mean to me. My one wish is to help you carry the stormy back cloud above you, so that you are not alone in this world. Truly, you are never alone and you have so many who love you for who you are. I love you for who you are, who we are together. We are like yin and yang, darkness and light together, forming one balanced bond that nothing can destroy. It may take time for you to learn to love like this again, but please know that every single day, I will be by your side to help show you the way, to help you understand that we are in this wild, whacky world together. You will never lose me, and have never lost me. I have always been here for you, in your corner, even if it has been silently cheering you on and pushing you forward as you go through life. ​

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I do not want you to fall back into the darkness again either, my love. I know that was a trying time for you, and always has been each time you have fallen in. But time after time I have pulled you up, have kept you from drowning. And I would gladly do it again and again if it meant a life with you in it. We are one, and I will always be the guiding like you need to get from the dark tunnel. You are right, things have gone wrong, and things will go wrong. That is the way of life and as much as we hate it, we have to endure and learn to live, to love, to be who we are without letting the world sit on our shoulders. We are human, bad things happen sometimes, and that is okay. You have never lost me, my dearest, and never will lose me, and I will repeat it as many times as you need me to, until the end of time itself if need be. ​

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You are the most perfect human being to me, no matter what darkness lies within your mind, and I will always feel the same. For you, I would go the the ends of the universe and back if it meant showing you how wonderful you truly are. Be brave, be true, and always take the time you need to be yourself again, my love. ​

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With so much love and care,​

Your ever guiding light."​

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[ieri-fengari]

"To the one I should, and do, love the most,

I know it has now been a few more weeks without any word from me. Life and work has been busy once again, but I have been able to relax now enough to send this last letter back to you. I have gone through so much turmoil, between not being able to speak to you and my life being as hectic as it can be. But with this letter, I can happily say that these weeks away have been helpful, albeit a little lonesome. ​

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It is within this letter to you that I can tell you I am in fact, coming back home to you. I am slowly learning that I can take time away from work and life to be with the one I love the most, you. It has come to my attention that I need to start putting ourselves first, fuck what anyone else thinks or says. I always tell my friends to put themselves first, to do what they need to do to get to their happy place, but I never take my own advice. I need to now, and I will. I am putting myself first, and that means putting you first as well. With putting both of us first, I think I can finally be fully happy once again. With you and I together, I know we can be happy and so full of love. ​

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I can finally be happy. You and I as one, all the ups, all the downs, throughout all of everything we have wrong and good, we can finally be happy. You and I are the same now, and within both of us we can be happy together once again. I am coming back home to you, to myself. I have learned throughout the last few months, of being quiet, of being miserable, of being secluded into my own head and beating myself up over the smallest of things, that it isn't without strife and loneliness that we finally find ourselves and can love ourselves once again. That within ourselves we are never truly alone, and that even if we have bad days, that we have others we can rely on to help bring us up when we are down, we don't have to do it all by ourselves.​

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I love me, all of me. All the mental illnesses, all the physical things I tend to dislike, all of my flaws and imperfections. I. Love. All. Of. Me. Because without any part of me, there wouldn't be a true me. I am a mess, a trainwreck sometimes, but that doesn't mean I deserve any less love than the next person. I love all of me, and I am coming back home to myself, after months and months of trying to stay away and hate myself as hard as I could. ​

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To the one I do love the most, through everything that has happened, I will try to not forget you again, I will try to continue to be here and learn more self love than I have before. ​

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With all of my love, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head​

Myself..." ​

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(This is when I turn to you, dear reader. Yes, you there. Its okay to lose yourself, to not love yourself, to not even speak o yourself for months or years at a time. I have been there myself, and still kind of am, if I am to be honest with you. But it is within the last month of writing those letters to myself that I kind have found myself again. And its okay if you lose yourself after finding yourself again. What is not okay is to give up. Because you have so much strength, so much love to give, so much of yourself to give, that if you give up we lose you fully, and we can't have that. :) You are loved, you are precious, you are perfection, even in all your flaws and imperfections. If you struggle to love yourself, remember that you can fall back on those around you, and if you need a place to vent, a shoulder to lean on, my DM's are open, always. I love you, all of you, for exactly who you are and how you are. Never forget that you are special, and good and ever part of you makes you special. Look for the light at the end of the tunnel, the brightness that can cut through your darkness, and allow you to be yourself fully and happily again.)